One link at a time

[BeingMe]

Yeah, I also like to live each day to it's fullest, if I'm in the right frame of mind. Nowadays, I am usually in a reflective mood, and pondering on things (this, after my mild freak session last week, and working up to it in the preceding weeks, and finally finding that detached calmness again, and self control).

I am just trying to figure out what I should do with the rest of my life. Maybe, it's because I am turning 50 this year, and it's made me realise that I am probably more than two thirds of the way through my life (a lot less, if I follow my parents, but spot on if I live to my grandmother's age, and I am aiming for the latter, of course). I am considering what legacy I want to leave my children? What do I want them to remember about me?

So, have been writing down some goals, and things I want to learn, and achieve while still physically able to. This is why I have applied for the 6 month civilian post in Afghanistan (assisting the military as admin assistant). I feel I need to prove that I can still do a job like that, and able to be independent and away from my family (particularly my H) and still thrive. Could this be a MLC? More a mid-life transition, I think. I want to transition as smoothly as possible from one aspect of my life to the next. I probably won't get the job, but I feel the need to assert my independence (not necessarily, by divorcing my H, which I don't want) by being able to do things for myself. Grief! Even my D14 takes things away from me and does it for me, 'cause she thinks I'm so frail (like opening a jar or whatever, although maybe it's just her showing that she is strong and dependable). So confusing! My S20 and my H won't show me how to use the lawnmower 'cause they will do it ... I have never mowed or whacked a lawn in my whole life (when I garden, I use manual tools, then leave the lawn to my H, S20 or a contractor - utterly ridiculous when I think how independent and self-reliant I was before meeting my H). This is not acceptable anymore. It was fine when I had no time, and was busy with a full-time job, housework, and the children, but I have plenty of time now. My H is even uncomfortable with my using his tools, like his drill, 'cause he thinks I will mess the job, or break the tool (he doesn't say so in so many words, but he is fast to do the job, when I say I will do it).

Lots of goals to write down, and ponder on, and achieving. So, I will take a breath and just jump in!

[Phoenix_spark]

Wow, that's a huge step to be taking at this time. Your the only person that can make that decision, pray about it. As I say to all the young men my D16 know that ask me about going in the military, "you realize when they teach you to shout a gun and use real bullets, there's a reason". "Don't forget the main mission of why we are there". It's not a social call.

Don't think I'm anti military, I just hate when you get these crying moms that say their sons didn't expect to fight, they were just in it for the scholarships. There is no free lunch and army has to do with war and bullets. That means when you sign up for the military, it's not a desk job.

Now if your up to speed with that, your a big girl and can make that decision. For me I don't think I could make it through basic, however the target practice part would be great. Give it some thought and take care.

[BeingMe]

Yeah, I get what you're saying, Phoenix! I do know what the military is all about, however. I started out my working life in the army, in my birth country, and we were at war constantly (terrorist type war), so I know how to shoot a gun, etc. I think I know what I'm getting myself into, and as a civilian, won't be expected to be in any fighting, thank goodness. Anyway, I probably won't get in, so won't lose any sleep over it yet.

[ACJ]

won't be expected to be in any fighting

That doesn't mean you won't get caught up with it. Are you really prepared to put your family at risk of losing you?

[Phoenix_spark]

I do understand what you mean, I really have thought how a good job away from home would be. Unfortunately, I think the same problem would be here when I got back, or at least the messy aftermath. Plus any problems in between would be difficult to deal with where I would be at. For now I'm going to stand and fight it out. I guess I have better results with damage control then with clean-up.

[BeingMe]

Talking about jobs ... H has been offered a job, but we have to move to either Oregon, or WA (Spokane or Olympia). I do not want to take my D14 out of her school until she graduates in 3 years, so it looks like we will be running two households. Yikes! I hope they're offering him a really good salary. We will discuss it with the family, but I know my S20 will not want to move to the USA (not even if it were closer to his sister in St. Louis), so perhaps he can stay with D14. I wish H could find a job closer to home, for pete's sake, but maybe there is a reason for this, and I will have to give it some thought before discussing it with him this weekend. This year is sure turning out to be one huge upheaval to another. Guess I just have to go with the flow. Although, I do like rocking the boat, so we'll see what happens.

Thoughts? Anyone? Phoenix ... I need your input here, please. Anyone know what either area is like to live?

[whatisis]

Being Me, I can't imagine how your M can grpw and become healthy again if you are both in different cities! IMHO (which is off the cuff at this moment)it's the kiss of death. Maybe sit down with H and discuss this in terms of how it will effect your M as well as his career. There's alot at stake here. This may be the issue that pushes your M either way. Tough decision to make. It doesn't get any easier, does it!
Did I read you want to go to Afghanistan? WTH, isn't there a Tim Horton's near you, be independent there!

[BeingMe]

Possibly, Wii! However, he is utterly miserable with the company he is in now, and I only see him (on average) every second weekend. That is not so good, either. This company is one of them Fortune 500 organizations (so, an opportunity of a lifetime where he can work up to retirement) and they have offices in the USA near our city of residence. So, we might be able to work it that I am in the USA one week and in Canada the next, and the kids can visit on weekends, as can my H, in the reverse. Okay, my head is spinning! Welcome to my life! Nothing is ever easy with us ... we have these brilliant opportunities, but seldom quite in the city we want (or, even the country we want), or there is some other dilemma involved. Ugh! I guess that can be said for anyone's life, huh! This arrangement would be just until my D14 graduates high school, and then we can sell our house and buy an apartment near wherever she decides to go to university (hopefully, where her brother will be going in two years).

I wish my friend in our country of birth were here now ... she is so good at brainstorming things with me. She is one of the reasons my H and I are still together. If it weren't for her wisdom (and those on the BB here too), I would've bailed out ages ago. Oh well, I guess I can bounce this around here on the forum. Just a little harder than having someone on the phone or face to face. I will be emailing my best friend though, so will still get some good feedback here and from her.

Thanks for posting, Wii ... you have good instincts and insights. So, I do understand what you're saying about the risk to our M, but (as stated above), we are already apart quite a lot, and this might make it easier to spend more time together. Also, my H has had 2 years before he started travelling, to figure out what he wants to do. Maybe, this will help him see things more objectively. I dunno! I am willing to try anything at this point.

Yes, I do want to go to Afghanistan! I would be a civilian with the Canadian Forces Personnel Support Agency, so not in uniform or going off to the frontlines (ACJ - very small risk, and I would have to first hear what they have to say in that regard. I sure don't want to make my children motherless). And, we have more than enough Tim Horton's around here, Mr. Dumpling (I have never seen so many in such a small city, actually).

And, NO, it doesn't get any f*ing easier (excuse muh French) . Just got to get my attitude adjusted so that I can think clearly and objectively about what we should do. In the end, it may be as simple as, he has a job, or he does not have a job. In his field, all the good jobs are in the USA with the salary to go with it, very few in the nearest large city, and none in the small city we live in. The bottom line is I don't want to take my D14 out of the school she's in now. She is very happy here, has friends, is in the Air Force cadets and loves that, and is very patriotic and does not want to leave Canada. I don't blame her or her brother ... they've had enough changes in their lives, that they need some stability right now as far as where they live and go to school. We parents, at this age, are really just incidental, and the source of money, and the odd bit of advice (rarely).

Anyway, I'm going on a bit now, so I'll just leave it there for now. If you've read the rant this far, thanks. I value all your opinions.

[Aud31]

I understand the reasons for thinking about maintaining two households...but my initial reaction is that family is everything--is it really a good idea to have everyone living separately? Isn't true stability a together family? Regarding part time residence w/H and S & D...teens need full time parents. Even good ones.

In my experience, GAL is 20% physical, 80% mental. But that's just me. I can't see that a tour of duty in Afghanistan is preferable to joining a club or taking a class for yourself. Back to D14--she needs her mother present in her life. Especially if things are rocky in the M. If she were 18 and on her own--entirely different scenario.

You know your sitch much better than I. It all just seems like a perfect opportunity for you-know-who to creep the door open a few notches and split y'all up.

(I'm really not trying to beat up on your brainstorm--just sharing first impressions--say the word and I'll take it easier on you next time. )

[BeingMe]

Thanks for your honesty, Aud, and I do prefer people to be direct. Don't soften it for me!

I'm kinda between a rock and a hard place, right now. My H has to have a job, wherever it may be, but I also want to make sure my D14 is happy too. It's not just school, but if she moves to the USA, she won't even be able to have a part-time job on the visa we will have. I guess we're going to have to wait and see how things work out, and figure it all out when we cross the bridge.

My S20 moved all this way to be with us while he goes to school, so how can we desert him now, if we leave with D14?

I will pray about this most fervently.