Don't ask questions unless you know and like the answer. You can vent all you want (here) but you don't want it to be over and it isn't. Don't force his hand. I know it sucks, but I think time is on your side.
so ask if a "yes I want it to be over" is the answer you are prepared to hear. You ask why prolong it? Becuase you want it to get better and it will only do that on his time table.
You can't talk him or guilt him into returning.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I want you to win!!
but see, I feel like I'm just sitting here waiting for a bomb to drop. we have no real conversations anymore, we only talk about the kids, at least for the most part. nothing about us. there is this big giant elephant in the room (her, the fact that he is back with her) that we don't talk about, because i am db-ing like crazy and doing my 180s and not bringing up our R or anything that might lead to a D conversation. and sitting here waiting, twiddling my thumbs, staring but not talking about that damned elephant, is driving me crazy. yes, I'm doing some things for me in the meantime...continuing my therapy, GAL, figuring out what I want to do career wise, enjoying my time as a SAHM, but its not going to change things between us.
I really think he's gone...I think I really need to let go of the goal of getting him back. and honestly, the way he has been the last 4 months, I don't even want him. and it just seems like the old H is GONE. that's why I don't see how the longer it takes the better. why does prolonging it help?
its weird, but he is a very monogomous person. he is. and he is fully commited to her...I've felt it for a while, but I really just know it now. I do. I am gone, so far gone from his mind, definitely from his heart. maybe if I had found this site/book when this first came out, maybe then I would feel there was still a chance. as it is, I've seen those chances come and go, and did so much wrong, that I think the last chance is long over.
I just talked to one of my best friends (a therapist). she is making me hold off until tomorrow, and gave me an assignment...3 questions I need to journal about tonight (pro/con list of waiting vs now, what is the trigger, what has kept me holding on for the last 4 months), and under strict orders not to talk to him tonight. I will do it, but I think I already know the answers. still, will journal and see where it leads me.
I am just tired of the farce.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
jack, I think winning is me finally accepting things and moving on. I think I'm one of those who won't get the saved marriage by following db, I'll get the consolation prize, the saved divorce.
do I want to hear that my h no longer loves me, that he loves her, and that it is over? no. not really. but part of me does, because it is what will finally set me free. it will be what finally allows me to start to not love him. he asked what it would take for me to stop loving him, I think its going to take this. and at least it will be on my time table, not his. assuming he's honest. which, if I approach him calmly, rationally, non-emotionally, I hope he will be.
it really pisses me off, actually, that he has so little regard for me that he is doing this. not just the affair, or how he's conducted himself since it, but how he is conducting our inevitable divorce. instead of sitting down with me and going over the logistics, which would make me more secure, or going over what we need to do to sell the house (will have to if divorced), even getting it on the market now (and oh what a crappy market it is). I've asked him to do all of those things, and he hasn't wanted to. maybe if this is all out in the open, and I'm okay with it all, he'll finally give me what I need. no, not him, but this. the logistics answered, agreed to, or at the very least discussed.
Last edited by morgan; 07/31/0710:16 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
just watching or actually going? either way, enjoy the game, jack. h promised me tix and I still have yet to get to a game this summer...grrr. oh well. at least they are on tv, right?
thanks for the support. obviously I'm in a mood right now. will see how I feel tomorrow. its just frustrating. I am hurt, offended, and ready to stop caring. but the thing is, there is no switch to flick that allows the caring to stop. I'm just looking for a solution to stop the hurt. and to find some control in a situation I have so little control over. and I hope someday he does regret what he has done.
I hope someday he realizes he traded in a wife who loves him fully, who is fairly low maintanence and fun, who has a sense of adventure and an open mind, for someone who is needy, co-dependent, and very high maintenance, who has so many of her own problems that her last 3 relationships have been with men who are unattainable (attached elsewhere, not nec. married) so what that she has legs that go on for miles. at least my hair is real. (ouch, okay, that was a wee bit catty).
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
big proud, he just called to tell me the results of the meeting he had re: the new possible job. he was very chatty, actually, and I sounded normal. nope, didn't confront him yet, will follow my friend's advice tonight. will see what tomorrow brings.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Morgan, if you ask and get the answers that you think (and most likely) will get, it will not set you free. So my advice is not to ask. Also we are supposed to believe NOTHING they say and only half of what they do so even if he said he is done, you can't believe him. Same as if he says he is not done... It really is just better not to ask.
Plese forgive me if that did not make any sense. I just enjoyed a nice glass of wine with my wonderful neighbors and i am usually so not a a drinker... got a little buzz going.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
okay, so you really don't think the answers will set me free? I wonder. wish I had that crystal ball. never thought of not believing him when he says he is done (which he hasn't done yet). hmmm. the bad stuff is so much easier to believe straight out for me sometimes. okay, you have me thinking. damn that glimmer of hope. trying to squelch it is so hard. okay, will do my journaling, and look into myself some more before confronting him.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Morgan, I know how you feel. I truly think my H feels like being with me is cheating on someone else. He feels guilty about being happy with me. I know this is not DBing but I told him that no good person would go out with a married man with children. Only skanky people flirt with married people even if they are having marital problems.
I do not even know what he is up to, if he is just dating or kissing or in love or having kinky sex!. The infidelity bomb just dropped so that is enough for me. I do know that he gave up meat for her because she is a vegetarian. Sick.
So I went out to dinner tonight and ordered a big expensive rib eye! Delish!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
