Still packing the rest of our apt up tonight. Either I am the biggest sap in the world, completely codependent, or still very much in love with my W, and for the right reasons. I can't help but feeling like I pushed her into this with my intolerance of her issues. I mean, yea, she has them, but so do I, and isn't marriage about accepting each other as is, and employing patience as we allow each other room to grow and learn from mistakes? I want to call her so badly and tell her how I miss her, and about all of the good times that I can't erase from my mind. I want to tell her that the world is a darker place without her love and to let her know that she is not alone, despite how she is pushing those who love her so far away. We are NOT mismatched d$%# it, and I know with counseling and forgiveness and a little time we will be better and stronger than ever. I know that most people could take a little angry heat of the moment, "I want a D" kind of thing and let it go, but she is not so confident and I know I pushed her out the door and now she is alone like me and I can't even call her? Yea, she's angry, and hurt and mean right now, but there were ten other ways I could have handled the issues she was dealing with before this all blew up. It's not my fault for our problems, but it is my fault for telling her it's over, and now here I am wishing I could turn back the clock by 5 weeks and do it all differently, as I do DBing to try to get back the love I pushed out the door. Yea, she's immature, unforgiving, self-destructive and a pain in the a%& sometimes, but I love that woman, warts n' all. She is the only woman who has truly been both my best friend and my lover and totally faithful through it all. Some couples have nothing in common, and not even a song they can call there own. We have an entire library of songs, books, movies, restaurants, phrases, foods, jokes, that were "ours". We enjoy the same activities, travel, shared dreams for our future and similar career interests. I would do anything for her-not because I am being controlled, but because I want the best for her, and I am committed to bringing out the best in her, even when she doesn't see it. Now she is feeling lost, and self-medicating the hurt of the life she left behind with me, and I know it's only because she is convinced that she failed and isn't fit for marriage-and the only reason she isn't , is not due to her age, or her selfishness, or any other reason than she has always been scared of failing so much that she brings on the very problems she is trying to avoid. She never wanted this separation, though she was as sick of fighting as I was, but are two people so unfit for M, just because they haven't learned to deal with their own baggage? Is this "no contact" thing the only route I have left to pursue?
