There and Back

[SallyM]

but see, I feel like I'm just sitting here waiting for a bomb to drop. we have no real conversations anymore, we only talk about the kids, at least for the most part. nothing about us. there is this big giant elephant in the room (her, the fact that he is back with her) that we don't talk about, because i am db-ing like crazy and doing my 180s and not bringing up our R or anything that might lead to a D conversation. and sitting here waiting, twiddling my thumbs, staring but not talking about that damned elephant, is driving me crazy. yes, I'm doing some things for me in the meantime...continuing my therapy, GAL, figuring out what I want to do career wise, enjoying my time as a SAHM, but its not going to change things between us.

I really think he's gone...I think I really need to let go of the goal of getting him back. and honestly, the way he has been the last 4 months, I don't even want him. and it just seems like the old H is GONE. that's why I don't see how the longer it takes the better. why does prolonging it help?

its weird, but he is a very monogomous person. he is. and he is fully commited to her...I've felt it for a while, but I really just know it now. I do. I am gone, so far gone from his mind, definitely from his heart. maybe if I had found this site/book when this first came out, maybe then I would feel there was still a chance. as it is, I've seen those chances come and go, and did so much wrong, that I think the last chance is long over.

I just talked to one of my best friends (a therapist). she is making me hold off until tomorrow, and gave me an assignment...3 questions I need to journal about tonight (pro/con list of waiting vs now, what is the trigger, what has kept me holding on for the last 4 months), and under strict orders not to talk to him tonight. I will do it, but I think I already know the answers. still, will journal and see where it leads me.

I am just tired of the farce.