Newcomer in Pain

[Nomopo]

Hi Larry. I am very sorry about the pain. We can all relate. Trust me that it will ease, but it takes time. Just accept it, and know that it gets better.

I am in more pain than ever, contemplating W's upcoming romantic weekend with om while I take our children to Seaworld. This is after she took my D for a day out with om on Sunday.

I know this is hard, but you have to try not to think about it. Just accept that you cannot control your W, she is going to make whatever decisions she is going to make, and take whatever actions she is going to take, so try not to worry about it. It is VERY HARD, but over time you will be able to detach from the sitch more. You have to let her go, meaning accept that you cannot control her. It is what it is, and all you can focus on is you, your kids, what you do and how you react to her (and everything).

At the same time, she is pushing me hard to get the paperwork done for our divorce.

If I were you, given that you don't want a D, I would not take one step to advance a D or a S. You can tell her that you do not want a D, but you will not stand in her way if she wants to proceed. And leave it at that. Don't push her to do it either, but just politely and calmly state that this is not what you want (and then don't do anything).

Are you currently doing anything to make a D happen? What sepcific things has she asked you to do? Have you agreed to anything? Even if you have, there is a graceful way to retract such agreements. I did (with advice from others here).

It's like I don't know her anymore.

Yes, we all feel that way at some point. That is why we refer to aliens. It's like an alien abducted her. You have to realize that there is hope, but it will likely take a long long time. This is especially true where there are OPs, and there is no guarantee she will ever come back. But for now, try to wrap your mind around the fact that this will likely be months as opposed to weeks or days. Doing that has helped me be more patient, which is KEY.

I'm scared because I am starting to actively hate her, and that can't be good.

No, but it's normal. Look, you can't control her, but you can control yourself and how you react to her. Ask yourself how you want to handle this situation, given all the sad facts. Do you want to hate her? Do you want to be bitter and hold a grudge? These are tough things to answer given how fresh it is, but in time I suspect you will decide what kind of person you want to be given the circumstances, and that will be your roadmap. Also, check out Michele's article on the home page on Forgiveness. It's early, but it wouldn't hurt to start thinking about it. Forgiveness is for you.

So far, I've maintained a positive DB facade in all my contacts with her, but I don't know how long I can keep it up.

Facade is ok. There's a saying around here - fake it untit you make it. Eventually, you really will feel more positive despite this crap storm. Just hang in there. You can do it, and keep posting.

What DR and others have said seems to be true. A person in an affair is just like a drug addict. It seems for her, that nothing, not family, friends, self esteem, or core values are as important as that next fix.

Yes. And statistics show that the As usually don't last. Time is on your side. You need to wait this out, and don't do anything to help her fast track the D. Just sit back and wait. Again, time is your greatest asset/ally now.

Larry, I really think the key for you right now is the same as your WAW. Time and space. You also need time to focus on you and what you can control. And you need space away form the toxic sitch to get your emotions under control and to let her strong emotions subside. What can you do for you and/or your kids to get your mind off of things? Exercise? Bike rides? Movies? Anything to GAL. GAL helps so much with the patience.

Hang in friend,
Nomo