Ok, my H had an PA with a woman after we separated. I believe it was EA before that, but he wont admit it. He has been back and forth between us for 8 months now. He is trying to make it work with us, but his one question that get asked often is, if she (ow) is the one, how do I get over it not feeling that way?
What can I say to him? I know that because they communicate each day, that is a problem....of course, she is just his friend. What ever? Does anyone have advice on what to say to him?
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
There's nothing you can really say to him that will convince him.
He's addicted to her.
They get over the OW by breaking off complete contact. They will grieve, hurt and be upset.
The key however, is that if he ends the affair and you go "back to the way things were" he'll end up having another affair. Generally affairs are symptoms that something's wrong.
There's nothing you can do to change him.
You, can, however, change yourself, which will change the dynamic of the marriage, and it might attract him back.
Get a life, enjoy yourself, pay attention to your own needs. Being a joyful, mysterious interesting person is attractive.
I agree with Theo. It's obvious by the back and forth behavior of your H that he's addicted to this ow. My H has been on the fence, too. It's so hard. Listen to Theo. My IC says the same thing - change yourself and your R will change.
I second what Olive said. All you can do right now is respect yourself. He's going to do what he wants and you can't control him. All you can do is set your boundaries and live life for you. As long as he is communicating with OW, he will continue on like this...he is the one that has to find the strength to end it with OW until then your relationship has no hope. You decide how long you want to wait. In the meantime, my suggestion is to GAL (get a life) and work on being the best person you can.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
You don't exactly get over the OW/OM; the "relationship" dies. I know, I spent a year making myself and my husband miserable with my OM. It's a fantasy, a stage show. And it's a fake world that's easy to live in...for awhile. But reality intrudes and you begin to realize that the affair is not the fairytale it appears. The OM/OW loses their luster and one day you finally look at that person and think, "What the devil was I thinking? I don't love him/her." It may take time, but the illusion does die.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
how do they get over when supposedly the OW is soooo great. They dont have the shared bills but he is living w/ her. OW has $ so they get to go to exotic places & do what they want. H biggest worry is $. She pays for everything. She si alawyer student & so H is seeing $ signs. H is a big material man.
In looks she is my opposite, tall supposedly beautiful.......UGH
My H's ex OW is just like him. Works for a living at EMS/Fire building. That is his life. She likes to smoke, drink, party, all the things I dont do. Never have. He is in MLC. She was in need of rescuing when he left me, because she left her own H. Once the rescue high for both of them wear off, it will probably make them both open their eyes. I say ExOW right now, because he is home with me and she is dating other men. But if he leaves again, I know he will ask her back out.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Even if your husband broke it off, he is probably still dealing with the afterglow. As stupid and hard as it sounds, if he wants to talk to/see her, try not to stop him. Reality is the best medicine; every time he sees her as she really is it will kill whatever feelings he may still harbor a little more. After I physically ended it with my OM I still had an emotional attachment. But every time he called or tried to see me and tell me how his life is, I saw more of what he really is, and I felt a little less. One day you finally just don't care at all anymore.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
As stupid and hard as it sounds, if he wants to talk to/see her, try not to stop him. Reality is the best medicine; every time he sees her as she really is it will kill whatever feelings he may still harbor a little more. After I physically ended it with my OM I still had an emotional attachment. But every time he called or tried to see me and tell me how his life is, I saw more of what he really is, and I felt a little less. One day you finally just don't care at all anymore.