Trudging up hill

[ediemarie]

We found out yesterday that my H's car (it was actually in my name and I owned it, but it was the one that he used all the time) is officially dead. The engine blew and there's no point in fixing it. I've had for over 10 years and it has close to 300,000 miles on it. We don't have the money to replace it right now so we're down to one car - good thing neither of us are working right now...(or is it?)

Anyway, today we had to go clean the car out and turn in the plates etc. H was really hesitant to do so today when I asked him, but after a little while he relented and we went to go take care of it.

We get to the station and right before he opens the trunk to begin cleaning out the car the following exchange occurs:
H: You should know that I took the letters that OW gave me and I put them in my car
(I found letters a year ago that OW gave to him, little notes and poems, etc about her feelings for him. I was keeping them in the glove compartment of the car I drive - I don't know why I kept them there, but I did. H came across them about 1 month ago and took them - I saw him do it from our kitchen window and he did not know I saw him - but he ended up keeping them in his car. I kept them in a small paper bag that she had given to them. He took the cards/letters and left the bag)
M: Why would you do that?
H: Because I wanted them.
M: Well we should throw them away. Actually we should burn them.
H: I'll let you throw them away or burn them.
M: Me? Why should I do that?
H: Because I want them. And I would never burn them.
M: Well therein lies the problem in our marriage. You want to hang onto letters from your adulterous affair. (then something clicked in my head) You know what? Those letters are your letters. They aren't mine. The reasons why you hang onto them are yours. They have nothing to do with me. That A was your mess and it's your decision what you do with the memories of that relationship.
I then walked back to the good car and checked the glove compartment and noticed that the paper bag was still in there. I walked back to the "dead" car
M: So I noticed you left the bag they are in. So not only did you take the letters, but you did it quite deceitfully.
H: Yes, I did.
Me: well, I can't make you want to be trustworthy but I would think that would be a quality you would want for yourself.
H; I'm sorry I did it.
M: Well, it's your problem, not mine. I can't make you want to be in this marriage.

We proceed to clean out the car and as angry as I was I didn't yell at him or get angry or even have an argument with him. I think sometimes he picks arguments with me because he feels badly about what he is doing or had done. I would not let that happen. On the way home, he tried a couple of times to apologize but I told him that if he wasn't planning on changing his behavior there really wasn't a need to apologize. Apologizing suggests "wrongness" of behavior. If he wasn't willing to change his behavior then there was no need for an apology...and I said it all calmly and matter of factly and then proceeded to chat about the scenery that we were driving by.

I just wanted to post quickly...I'm going out for a walk - I don't know if i did right thing. It felt good, not sure of the out come it will have...time will tell.