Interesting description of your ex-H Corri. My ex-H had plenty of preferences, I was just supposed to be the one who would take the steps to execute HIS preferences. That doesn't work too well either.
I recognized myself of late in your description of your ex-H. I have been passive to the nth degree in this R lately (the agression factor isn't there though). I have been loathe to step up the plate. My H has made a few "attempts" - occasionally he comments that he "looks forward" to resuming our physical R (WTF??? He doesn't touch me or follow up on this in any way. I guess he wasn't listening the million times I said - just grab me and..... I KNOW the baby is always there. I understand he is in our bed 1/2way through the night every night but guess what - if H went to bed with ME when the baby first goes down we could easily "resume"). Until H leads I can't follow but I acknowledge that haven't been someone that looks easy to lead lately. My point? Each person needs to own their part of the R. If you don't care what you eat or where - fine but sometimes you need to take the responsibility anyway. If the circus sounds fun - go. If you are morally opposed to circuses - say so. I guess I will be needing to step up my end of things.
You are right on that. Recently I mentioned that the kitchen floor needs re-done (it was done incorrectly after the fire and H and I agreed to wait and do a larger area all at once instead of fighting with the guy who screwed up)and H proceeded to get a sample of the exact same thing that is in there already and get pricing on it. He ignored all of my comments that I was concerned that our family might be too hard on a wood floor in a kitchen and that we should probably look at some Pergo type products, tile and maybe even bamboo flooring (I wasn't sold on anything in particular, wanted to do more research for the most durable product). He got really pissed because he felt that my one comment (he acknowledged I only mentioned it once but said that he knew that meant I had been thinking about it for months) was in essence my way of asking him to take care of it ASAP and here I was questioning him when I hadn't done one thing to research anything. So, I researched and although I still think we will beat the h*ll out of a beautiful wood floor in no time I saw no good reason not to go with the product that he chose. The thing is that I inadvertantly "questioned" his leadership when I wasn't aware that I had even asked him to lead.
we should probably look at some Pergo type products Tip from my flooring friend Pergo brand flooring is trouble. He quit installing that brand and will install Manning ????? if someone insists.
My ex-H had plenty of preferences, I was just supposed to be the one who would take the steps to execute HIS preferences. That doesn't work too well either.
Ah, yes, well, the complaining came when I didn't anticipate correctly. And to give him his due, this didn't happen all the time. He 98% of the time loved what I cooked and appreciated it. It's just that 'what are we eating and at what time,' was dam near impossible for him to utter.
If we went out... and he told me this point blank, so I am NOT paraphrasing... "if you decide to have fun, we have fun. If you decide not to have fun, we don't have fun."
So I aways felt this stupid pressure to make sure I was 'having fun,' and then, that just pissed me right off, and I stopped worrying about it. So he'd sulk...
Oh, good God, I'm going to stop talking about this... it's just reliving the madness...
Anyway, I've kind of got the opposite deal with the guy I'm dating. Instead of "What do you want...?", I'm getting "We will...". Okay, I know you guys didn't think the pubic hair thing was territorial but you gotta give it up on the "We will...", right? I'm kind of annoyed. I feel it's rather presumptuous and/or cavalier.
"... and the lady will have the fish ....."
I hate to even throw my cold water after you've apparently come to terms with this ... but ....
I'm no Andrea Dworkin, but this would raise the hackles on my neck in about 2 nanoseconds. *Unless* you asked him to set something up for the both of you, or that was the tacit arrangement for your dates .... "We will go to the circus" is tantamount to ordering your date's dinner. Didn't that (for good reason) go out with the dinosaurs?
I don't care if he has the most intimate understanding of your taste of any man ever .... presenting your plans as a fait accompli like that *does* seem pretty presumptuous. He ain't your daddy.
It's all about semantics, really (and I do tend to be sensitive to same). If he'd said, "Do you want to go to the circus" or "I thought we might go to the circus" or even "Let's go to the circus" ... no probs.
"We will" seems to imply that he is arrogating to himself power over you to which he is not entitled. My gut (possibly over)reaction would have been to snatch it back.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
"We will" seems to imply that he is arrogating to himself power over you to which he is not entitled. My gut (possibly over)reaction would have been to snatch it back.
I don't think I explained the vibe of what he said quite right. I wasn't annoying for "and the lady will have the fish" reasons. It was more like "We will go to the circus as soon as I do x,y and z" so it annoyed me because the implication is that I conveyed something like "Can we go to the circus Daddy? Please! When can we go to the circus?" like I'm some sort of dopamine ruled toddler. Of course, I basically am like a dopamine ruled toddler and apparently I am doing a lame job of disguising that fact. It was funny because the last time we got together we had an evening of fun activities planned but we just ended up having a lot of sex instead so he apologized to me for not providing me with enough fun.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Usually if a guy says this, he says it after he has ascertained that the lady WANTS the fish. He's not dictating her dinner choice, simply conveying it to the waiter.
I have a friend who's QUITE elderly, and when I go to a restaurant with him, he does this, and I kind of like it. VERY old-fashioned manners. He also stands when you leave the table to go to the ladies room and stands when you come back.
I'm no Andrea Dworkin http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrea_Dworkin Andrea Rita Dworkin (September 26, 1946 – April 9, 2005) was an American radical feminist and writer best known for her criticism of pornography, which she linked with rape and other forms of violence against women.
Welp, when I show up at my bf's place... he has things planned for us... He will say things like... "I have to work from x to x. Then I thought we would do a, b and c. Or we could do f instead of a, if you'd like. How does that sound to you?"
He has said things to me like, "I thought I'd take you to x place tonight." If I have a problem with that, I'm a big girl, I can speak up.
When he comes to my place, things are much more relaxed, as I don't live in a metropolitan type town. Not as much to do. But he loves it when I cook, we hang out on my deck, do stuff around my house... that is different and fun for him. But, if I plan stuff, he's okay with that, too. If he wants to do something, he'll speak up. He'll even ask me, "do you have anything planned for us today?" But in a way where he wants to know, not that he is expecting anything...
But he IS the type of guy who generally likes to have some kind of plan, even if the plan is to do 'nothing.' That's just him. As I am NOT a great planner of activities... I am most relieved when he does so. I'm GREAT at showing up and having fun. But I will also speak up if he overloads the day... which he has done before.
I have no problem deciding on dinners I'll make... sometimes I give him a choice... I got so nervous cooking for him a few times, I burned a dish once, I undercooked something once and it gave him food poisoning... (first time in my life that's ever happened...) I seem to have regained my culinary cool...
Dunno. He has some PA tendencies... I suppose we all do, or can... but we pretty much call one another on it...
THAT, CeMar, keeps me passionate... among other things. And they are generally subtle things... but he in NO WAY feels like a father... he CAN dote, and I can only tolerate so much of that. Just as he can only tolerate so much of me 'mothering' him.
Grrrrrrr ... just lost my post. Ok, let's try this again ...
MJ, I totally read it wrong; my bad. I must say that the Lance-man sounds spectacular overall, so why nitpick?
.... did you tell him he provided *plenty* of fun? ....
Lillie, I'm sure most men who still adhere to that tradition don't mean *anything* negative by it. Strictly speaking for myself, however, I have trouble overlooking the "It's appropriate for the man to speak for the woman" subtext. I adore men, but I can speak for myself.
Corri, you and your bf seem to have it worked out really well. As long as you're both happy with the division of labor when it comes to being the "social secretary", that's all that matters, innit?
We have had some ludicrously drawn-out "What do you want for dinner?" conversations in my house. Not sure that has anything to do with PA, more like the state of terminal indecision induced by poor planning, hunger, and exhaustion.
Usually, if there's nothing already planned, we trade off deciding. Not in any formalized way, more like, "Ok, I picked last time ... your turn." Or, "I have no strong opinion, so if you do, it's your choice." Or, "I'll go get it if you choose/cook it." Seems to work pretty well ....
Lately, for the first time in our 17-year marriage, we've been cooking together on Thursday nights. Picking a menu, shopping, and cooking together. Neither one of us are gourmet chefs, but we are drinking lots of wine and having lots of fun ...
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
