I have been lurking for the past three weeks and following everyones stories and am finally ready to post my story and get some help. I am on the fence of db'ing or not. So far been doing it, although not perfect, so any help will be appreciated.
M-34 H-35 S-12 S-10 D-5 S-15 months and a foster S-14
H and I have been together for over 12 1/2 years, we met and a few months later I was pregnant with my first son, we did not get married until 2000 after the first two boys were born, mostly because of me. We have never had a super great relationship, but it was not awful. H has always had a problem with drinking, not enough to call him an alcoholic but enough for both of us to be concerned. He keeps it to night only and just basically drinks and goes to bed. This has been a big issue in our M for a long time.
Ok my story, I will keep it short and sweet (I will try)
July 06 I found an instant message that he had with someone that was not sexual, but you could tell there was sexual tension and they were discussing when they would, etc. I did some snooping and found out it was a co-worker. We all work at the same place. This is the same co-worker I knew he was texting but was told that they are just all friends, they are both supervisors. I even told him I was not concerned. Dummy me, huh? I confronted him, he did not deny, we went back and forth and decided to work on the relationship. I did everything I thought he wanted, more attention, less yelling (i tend to be a type a stressed out person), everything he always complained about I did a 180 and this was before I even read about DB'ing. He never stopped talking to her, and would not, to this day still swears that nothing ever was going on between them, but my snooping told me different. I fought hard and did the best I could, and somewhere along the line I gave up. We fell into old patterns and he never mentioned he was unhappy until about four months ago. He told me he was going to leave me so that he could get sober and with me around he would never get better. Nothing ever came of it, i considered it an idle threat and i realized he was not contacting her anymore, she was in the middle of some family issues (her dad passed away then her mom had a stroke). Then about 2 1/2 months ago, she came back to work, and the contact started again, I decided not to mention it, we were doing pretty good, getting along, no fights, intimate, etc.
June 10th he calls me from work and tells me to read something from the computer, I look it up and he says call me when you are done. I knew in my heart what it was. Sure enough it was a five page letter telling me he did not want to be with me anymore, and gave all his reasons. I the things I have ever wronged him, etc. I reacted the normal way, I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I asked if it had anything to do with her, he said it didn't. I believed that he wanted to get sober and figure things out, so I helped him get our finances in order and find a place, etc. I was such a dummy.
Not two days after he moved out June 29th, I could see the increase in the phone calls to and from her, and about a week later he admitted she was around but she was not the reason he left, he had been unhappy for 6 years.
It is now a month later, she pretty much stays with him every night (mostly because her ex that she broke up with at the same time will not move out of their house until August 7th). So my kids can not stay the night with their dad because I don't want her there. From the very first time my kids were at dads house she was around, she is making him and my kids dinner. Doing his shopping, buying him clothes etc. I am finding out from work that she has a drinking problem too, so that is the perfect match, because she will never judge him. She has two kids, her daughter is close to my daughters age and they play together so I have to hear about it all the time.
Like I said we all work together, recently I went back to work and told a few close friends about what is happening, they all knew things were rocky. Well where we work is like high school and the word spread quickly. Friday I got threatening text messages from him tell me to shut the f up, and stop talking at work, and that people were telling him that I spent my entire time there walking around telling everyone. So not true. We got into a huge fight and at that point I was done.
I made a mistake of the next day calling, crying, acting needy, and trying to tell him how he screwed me over. Well he didn't like that and hung up. I called back and apologized (I have always been the first to apologize) and then basically told him I am just as upset about work, because what he is hearing is not true, etc, etc.
I decided to pick up DR again and start reading more, just to see if there was any hope at all. I decided to read the MLC chapter and saw everything so much clearer. I seriously think he has been in a MLC for at least a year if not longer because before this girl, there was one other close call I found out about. He is doing all the typical stuff, nothing about our marriage was good, he needs to get away from me, anger if i mention anything about the R at all.
At this point I decided to continue with LRT and just to go dark. I did not call or speak with him all day Sunday. Monday he texted me and I did not respond, he called several times back to back to both cell and home and I called him back after ten or so minutes. Said very little on the phone and he told me he wanted to get the kids Tuesday. This morning he texted me that I am being very quiet, after about half an hour I texted back, that there is just nothing to talk about. So not sure if what I am doing is working, but for now it is making me feel much better.
Sorry, I said I would make it short, but I felt all that info I gave was relevant to my sitch. So any help or suggestions would be great.
