I'm starting the journey home!

[Not Much Left]

Atlas
First step my friend. THink long-term steps to making this better. Dont ever forget where you have been.

Very happy to hear this stuff.

CVA

[SDFoundGirl]

Congrats!

The best advice I can give you about piecing is to stay detached. DBing is a *life* strategy, something you'll need to do for the rest of your life. It's also going to take some time until it's your turn to bring up your issues...be aware that your own anger will creep up on you when things are more solid. You may feel like the alien at some point too.

This is normal and natural. You just keep doing what you were doing to get to this place, and *you* will be okay.

SD

[Atlas]

Thanks everyone for the advice,

I'm defiently going to keep the baby steps going. One thing at a time, and right now I'm really worried about her. However, i dropped son of this morning, got her breakfast. No serious talk, just pleasent interactions. Hugs before work.

She called later on, she wants me to handle the lease and get her home. Not sure her time frame, but seriously this like my 6th move in a year and half. I'm so good at it now, but I hate it. Then she says, I don't care how small but I want a vacation with just you and I, even if its an hour away, just something together.

Hard not to go head over heels, what helps and isn't good, is I'm really worried about her mental state. I don't want to go behind her back, but I thought of calling a particular co-worker and getting her opinion. If she found out though, I think I would be in major trouble, but not too sure I care about that, more for her. I guess I go that route if she won't seek help, which she said she would.

Bless you all for the encouragement, hopefully I can post more this evening.

[Gone Dancin']

I don't want to go behind her back, but I thought of calling a particular co-worker and getting her opinion. If she found out though, I think I would be in major trouble, but not too sure I care about that, more for her.

Not sure if this is a wise decision. Have you been a pretty controlling person in the past? Taking initiative in this regard, though helpful and thoughtful from your POV, may not be looked upon favorably by W. Work on this together, and if she doesn't get any better or work any harder as time goes on and you continue to piece your M back together, maybe you can take more of a firm stance (because as SDFoundGirl said, by then you can likely express some of your needs, concerns, etc). Just really be cautious, Atlas. You and I and everyone else here knows she needs some help, but take it easy on getting her there.

Everything else sounds great! Vacation for just the two of you coming from her mouth. You must be doing some serious heel-clicking to that! (I'm so jealous!!! )

GD

[Nomopo]

I knew you'd be piecing soon. I'm sooooo jealous (and happy for you).

Nomo

PS - Now the hard work begins. (So I'm told.)

[Atlas]

Well the pull back has happened. I guess it up to me how it handled on whether it is a pull back, so the 48 hour rule is in effect for sure.

W went bought her car. She actually did pretty well on it, she has always been a good car buyer. But financially, I'm not sure how this is going to happen. I know if she comes home right away I can make payments, but if she wants to wait things out in her apartment then I can't keep paying everything. Hmmmm, well she is happy over this for sure, I don't know how long that will last though and that scares me.

Ugh!

[stewart10]

Atlas:

I am sorry about what I am going to write here, but being an observer from the outside, I don't want to see you get blindsided.

Not trying to bring you down (and I am sorry that my cynical self is showing), but could she be trying to butter you up to get what she wants. It appears at this point (and correct me if I am wrong) that she does not have the financial means to make things on her own. And she always seems to be extra caring when she is at a real low financially. I would just caution to be careful not to go too far with this. I would try and pay very close attention to her attitude over the next week or so and see what occurs. Just thinking out loud and if I were in your shoes, this is what I would be concerned about. I always hope for the best, but get ready and be prepared for the worst.

That being said, you are lightyears ahead of me and most others on this board. Congrats and keep up the good DB'ing.

And again I apologize. The last thing I would want if I were in your shoes is someone coming in to ruin my mood, and I hope I don't do that, just my cynical untrained eye coming through.

And I don't know what you meant by the pullback. The purchase of the car? Am I correct in assuming that you are footing the bill for it?

[Atlas]

Stewart,

What i meant by the pullback is that with her "plans" to come home, she goes out and stradles "us" with another car payment. She hasn't pulled back emotionally or anything, and she is riding cloud 9, we all know how we feel when we get a car. When she dropped S off we talked about her vacation idea. So she is still in the boat.

I have to say it looks nice, it will be a real fun car for her. But I shouldn't over react, while she bought it in her name, she just got a raise and is working more hours as well. She told me that she is going to pay for it, and it isn't my responsibility. I just have a hard time swallowing that though, we have always shared the money and responsibilities. I grew up in a family, where it was all family, she grew up in a house where it was each to his own.

Also, running the numbers, I can make it work. I don't like it, but I can make it work. IF and big IF, she comes home and continues to contribute with her pay. If she doesn't come home after all, I won't be giving her any more money without a court order. Hate to go that far, but that will be my unspoken word. I'll just put it off as long as I can until she confronts me, and then I'll hit her up for her half of the mortgage payment.

Not really sure what to think, natural reaction of the old me would have been to stop that at all costs, I would like to say she is testing me, but that is one hell of a big test. But honestly, I'm not mad, I'm happy for her. Either way I'll be fine, she moves back and the number work fine. She doesn't, well no court is going to make me deal with that payment when she had a perfectly good, mechanically sound, paid for car and did this while still seperated. At least I would think not, but we have seen worse. Even if they did, I could pay it down by next summer, it would be rough, but I'm the most debt adverse person I know, and right now with student loans I am swimming in it.

I always pay my debts, I always make my bills, so I really shouldn't care. What it comes down to, is that I think it isn't the best financial decision, and while it isn't, it isn't horrible either. So I guess I'm continuing to learn to let go of control, even when its BIG! Dang, I hate letting go of control, but it has made my life so much easier, at home, work and play.

[Heimlich]

Atlas,

I think you hit the nail on the head at the end of your post. She's felt controlled. You're letting go. Maybe it was a test. If so, you passed. Good job. Hell, maybe she just wanted a new car. Doesn't make sense, but who knows.

At any rate, if she's still on board for a trip and still emotionally present, things are trending up. I must admit to the same thought as Stew, but you "sound" different this time, if that makes sense. I'd keep an BS meter up, but this sounds for real to me (and to you, it looks like).

BD

[Atlas]

Heimlich,

Thanks. I guess I'm not sure what is pulling at me about this, that the decision wasn't made together. Sort of a big thing in our house, but then again I guess she isn't really in house yet, so that would make it none of my business.

OR

Is this what if feels like when you just let go of the control? I'm not upset, I'm not really anything, but sort of felt left out. She did say she needed to something big by herself, so I guess as much as it is therapy for me, it is for her.

Well, I'm not going to say crap about the decision, unless she asks, then I'm going to be honest but talk supportively. She said I'm bs'ing her honesty right now and trying too hard, she wants it down a notch. Validating can be rough at times, and just uh-huh gets you in trouble sometimes as well.

So if she asks, I'll say, I'm not s a car payment is what you needed right now, but if a new ride outweighed that, then you made a good decision. Enjoy! Nothing more, she will know all said in that short answer.