Nikki - If he's really insistent on going alone, then let him. I'm guessing he has something he wants to "confess" to the MC in private. Not sure if that's good or not, but I'm guessing you won't make progress together if he's holding back something he needs to say to the MC.
Thanks Ellie - that was my gut feeling too. Just wanted to be sure I wasn't totally off base (since we know how un-trustworthy those gut feelings can be sometimes!). That's my guess too - either something to confess, or a complaint about me/the M that he doesn't want me to hear. Either way I agree we probably can't move forward until he's had a chance to talk to her about it.
Must say I am REALLY glad he likes and trusts her so much. To go from "fine if you're dragging me along I'll go" last year to wanting very much to 1. go and 2. go by himself (i.e. not just dragged along by me) is pretty good, I think.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
You've posted on a few of my threads, and I appreciate the feedback. I hope you will take what I'm about to say well.....
You and your H are locked in a power struggle. The more you push against him hanging out/talking to PW, the more he's going to cling to her. It sucks, but it's a simple law of physics. (Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.)
In the early days when I found out about LW, I pushed HARD against her. H clung to her like she was Jesus himself. When I let go...when I stopped pushing...when I detached and focused on ME, that's when he started to let go of her.
We went from, "She's a great person and a great friend and I won't give her up," to "I don't want to give up my M to maintain my friendship with her." It was HARD. BAD. I had to fight myself constantly.
As long as you are locked in a power struggle, you are giving away your power. Because really, he could comply overtly with everything you ask and still be sneaky and pining for her. He could go sleep with her or any other woman at any time. I'm not saying this to be hurtful, but to emphasize the need to love yourself, rely on yourself, and detach. You PREFER him to be in your life, you CHOOSE to love him, but if for whatever reason he left/you couldn't accept his behavior, you'd be just fine without him or any other man.
I'm not saying this is easy. I'm not all the way there yet myself. I still have days where I'm filled with anger for her...but then I choose to refocus my attention on all the good things I learned from this process. I choose to focus on what my H is doing right. I determine how I feel, I determine what I focus on, I decide to love myself first. If I focus on me and take care of me, only then can I do the rest.
Write a love letter to yourself. Outline all the amazing, strong, wonderful things about YOU. Keep it on you at all times, take it out and read it, especially when you're feeling disrespected and powerless.
And remind yourself that YOU CHOOSE. You have the power to leave any time. You have no control over H...frustrating, yes, but true.
Set your boundaries. I'd tell H, "I feel disrespected when you text or talk to PW around me. I'd prefer it if you'd do that elsewhere or at another time out of respect for me. I can't control what you do, but I would appreciate it if you'd respect my needs."
And then let it go. If H asks, "Is it okay if I text her back?" respond with, "I'd prefer it if you'd not mention PW to me or ask my permission. You choose your actions, you know how I feel, and you are responsible for what you choose to do."
Don't know if you read it, but at my last MC session I actually told H I felt lonely and second-rate because he didn't put the same energy into what I was asking for in the R that he did everything else, that I realized the pressures on him, etc., but that I'd stepped up and respected what he'd asked and worked my @ss off. I told him I realized this was either something he'd choose to do or not do, but that at some point if my needs weren't being met, I may have to make a different choice. We seem to be further along than you and your H, but this seemed to sink in to him. He's been all sorts of committed and showing me affection in the ways that I need since then. It's important to note that it wasn't about power or manipulation, just a genuine realization that I had regarding what I wanted from a R.
Good luck to you. Don't worry about him seeing the MC alone; any MC worth anything will take that information with a grain of salt. What if you choose to look at it as a positive? The fact that he's willing to go is HUGE. I credit MC along with DBing for the fairly quick turnaround of my M--6 months.
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Reach for the thought that gives you the better feeling. Don't create stories in your head. Let go and focus on YOU. Detaching is for life, not just for DBing. I love my H madly, but I'm detaching from his actions. It's not always about me....
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I'm not really sure what I would do on the MC. I guess you could tell him that your wanting to go to MC to help you too. Your also struggling. Maybe ask, if he would like to go together next time that you'd be okay with him going alone this week if it is that important to him.
I am glad that your MC is solution based. This actually happened with me. When H finally told me he wanted D, I said, well if this is what you really want than we have to go to C. He said okay, and eventually when I set it up he wanted to go alone first. Well, that's the only time he went, and actually, I was glad. in the time of our sitch I believed it to be detrimental for my H to go to a C. I hadn't yet read the DR book and I believe the biggest power is thru ourselves, not thru a C who usually just tries to figure out the past and not necessarily focused on saving the M.
If you have him go first, I would talk to her again. Tell her that you have a feeling he has something to confide in her but that you want her to know that he has shown many changes that you are certain he is not done with the M. You know he is still struggling, but you can see that with help, your M can definitely be saved because of his actions in the last 3 months (or however long it's been since he came back. I guess I just want to protect you because your C had said no more session for you guys since you both didn't want the same things and there wasn't any purpose going forward. I really don't think it's going to be about H wanting to end it again, but I think it's just something he's feeling guilty from or his "addiction" to her, or his depression.
Maybe if you don't go this thursday, it will at least give you a little relief and less anxiety?
Very glad to hear H wanting to go to dad's bday! that's really cool!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
SD WOW, your post really hit home. Thank you so much. I've been coming to some of that realization about the power struggle (EVER so slowly)... but it helps to read your thoughts on it. Yes, it's going to be an ongoing fight, I can sure see that.
I caught a glimpse of what it was like to prefer, to choose, but not be so attached - just didn't get enough of it to truly get there all the way, and I need to strive for it again.
That's an awesome love letter idea, thanks!! Actually it's funny you suggested that. Tonight I was feeling that anger and anxiety welling up again and I decided to try a new "as if." I don't know if this will make sense but it might - I'm trying to act "as if" I have an OM (but really the "OP" is me... told you this might not make sense). Anyway as if, I'm getting all the validation I need, hearing all the compliments, someone sees the good in me [and maybe a little blind to the bad stuff]. NOT AT ALL talking about actually finding an OM, but finding the feeling that comes from all those things.
I missed your last MC session info, I will go look at that. You are definitely further along than we are, and I often follow your story to see what may lie ahead. I'm so glad you're on the path you're on, seems like you're really in a good place.
I agree on the MC - I actually felt, that it's a positive he wants to go by himself. He wants to go so bad he'll go ON HIS OWN, that's gotta be good right??
ST Thanks for posting! I have mentioned that a few times, about wanting to help myself too (and the way we interact). Every time he responds that he's the messed up one, not me. Kind of strange... he seemed almost shocked I even WANTED to go. The MC is so future-focused it's almost scary. I think our first session was maybe 20 minutes of "family history" and then it was "Alright well, let's cut to the chase, what's going on NOW?" Part of me thought "but but but don't you want to know why..?" then realized no, she's exactly what I wanted, it was just a shock to find it. I wouldn't say she's focused on saving the M, but she's definitely focused on figuring out our own needs and how to move forward (not dwell).
He was all set to go Thursday then found out he had a work meeting that he really can't get out of (and it's legit, it would be bad if he skipped out early, and he was actually upset about not being able to go this week). He asked me to reschedule but I'm considering just going by myself now... not sure, I'll have to decide tomorrow. Either way I'll set something up next week either for us both or just him, though.
The birthday was really good. My dad actually relaxed a lot and it was just a nice family dinner. Kind of sad right before we left my sis kept asking my stepmom (her mom) "But Mommy can't you just stay one night? It's no big deal, it's just one night, let's have a sleepover." Stepmom kept putting her off, understandably, but it broke my heart. Other than that though it was great. Dad had fun, and stepmom seemed a lot more relaxed than she has in a long time. H was so great too, he helped do the dishes, really jumped into the conversations, played with my sis.. it was fun.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Forgot to mention one other positive that I wanted to journal (and non H-related, aren't you guys proud??). Sis was showing me a fun dance move that she does while jumping on my Dad's bed (yeah yeah, she's probably not supposed to.. ). Anyway when she took me in his room to show me, I saw he sleeps with the teddy bear I got him when he was in the hospital after his heart attack. Something about it made me smile and cry all at once, but all in a good way. It's just a really silly little touristy teddy bear (shirt says "Someone in [my town] loves you!") - but I told him in the hospital to remember there's ALWAYS love in the world, even if not from the one you're hoping. Felt really special that he has it so close by all the time.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I thought sdfg's statements were so true. The more you push, the more he will.
I think that as we try to piece we srart to lose ourselves again a little bit. We start to get a little to connected. Iv'e noticed that abouty myself, then i have to stand back and detach again to keep H on his journey so that he can work on himself and come home from the Darned mothership.
I only could wish that H would go to MC alone or with me. He won't, as i said he hates to talk.
MC's are there to help especially if they are solution oriented. so i don't think it would hurt at all for H to go alone also. just my OP.
JAK
PS:
the next time he asks to text PW just say thats your choice not mine, but please don't do it around me.
Last edited by jak58; 07/31/0712:52 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
We start to get a little to connected. Iv'e noticed that abouty myself, then i have to stand back and detach again to keep H on his journey so that he can work on himself and come home from the Darned mothership.
OMG, this just made me spew coffee out of my nose with mothership comment. Yeah, I SO remember that.....
It occurred to me...what are you doing to GAL? Work on your PMA? Your focus is all on H...and it needs to be on you. I like your idea of treating yourself like an OP; whatever strategy works for you, use it! I used to imagine all the crazy hurtful things H did as red balloons. I'd look at the balloons then cut the string and what those hurtful actions fly away. It worked for me, so if your strategy works for you, go for it!
It's occurred to me that part of why H may be asking you for permission is also to see your reaction...I mean, he's clearly been a big butthead, and I'm sure he knows that. When you react, it's reassurance that you still care to some extent. I agree with JAK about the response if he asks you again...in a calm, non-emotional tone. Then leave the room, get a book, take a bubble bath, listen to music and dance, etc. Doing something else will help you work out that anxious energy.
Take care!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I say go to the meeting by yourself Thursday. I think you could really use it and it will give you an opportunity to share with her all the good things your H has been doing the last few months (before OW stepped in again). More than likely he is going to focus on a lot of bad things during his C so if you are able to share with her the good things I think that would be beneficial.
Also, remember when you did that relaxation class? picturing those bad things put in a box or something? Why don't you go to that again. I think it really helped you detach last time.
I definitely agree to be calm, non-emotional in your responses to H about texting or whatever to OP. Just say, "You already know how I feel about your contact, but I have realized that I have no control over that and I'm not going to let it control my life again. You know my answer, but ultimately, it is your choice to make not mine." and then, like SD said, leave and do something for yourself to control your emotions and get you back on the right path.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
). Anyway when she took me in his room to show me, I saw he sleeps with the teddy bear I got him when he was in the hospital after his heart attack. Something about it made me smile and cry all at once, but all in a good way. It's just a really silly little touristy teddy bear (shirt says "Someone in [my town] loves you!") - but I told him in the hospital to remember there's ALWAYS love in the world, even if not from the one you're hoping. Felt really special that he has it so close by all the time.