About the cooking, I don't know about the other guys, but in my house growing up, the rule was "I'm doing the cooking, you eat what I cook and like it!". It took me a good while to come to grips with the way Mrs. Eddie wanted things to run, which was "If I'm going to go to the trouble of cooking, you can at least help me figure out what to cook." Actually, I didn't start to come to grips with it until I saw post after post on boards like this one full of women annoyed, angered, and plain turned-off by guys that just assumed that the chef was supposed to be in charge of the menu, or really that the diners shouldn't even have to go to the trouble of picking from a menu.
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 07/31/0702:42 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Fearless, no he didn't tend to complain per say....he would just go along...if he did't like it he would mope so that I would know he didn't like the choice I made. His was still a PA behavior.
If he has a preference for dinner or a restaurant then I happily go along with it myself...it's a way for him to take the lead and I'm more than happy to have that happen.
if he did't like it he would mope so that I would know he didn't like the choice I made. His was still a PA behavior.
OH YEAH that was PA. I hated the non-verbal cues (moping, frowning, grunting, etc.) of expressing discontent even MORE than straightforward ways. Of course that IS the very nature of PA, right? Can't DIRECTLY say how they feel or what they want or you wouldn't have gotten there in the first place.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I often do plan the evenings meal, but if I do that...I tend to have a preference for what we eat that night. HAVING to do that every night though gets very old. So when I give him a choice, or asking for a preference or an opinion...I'm really wanting him to help me out.
The rule you spoke of though is common in families...when it comes to the children and dinner time, I know it was in mine. But I would never presume to apply that rule to my husband.
Note to cac: if I balk, push a little more. You might not believe it, but I think that's what I want (at least some of the time.)
And herein lies one of the basic problems of M/F relationships. Somehow, we men are supposed to know when that "some of the time" is. If we ask, we are placating. If we push through the objections, it may very well be what you want. Except when it isn't. Then we annoy you or are too controlling.
I can get a manual for how my computer or TV works. I need a manual for how my wife works.
I'm not sniping at you Mrs. CAC. Just lamenting that you all aren't as logical and straight-forward as us.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
"Just lamenting that you all aren't as logical and straight-forward as us."
Balto, I can say the EXACT same thing in reference to my husband. In my marriage...I am the more logical straight-forward person. This isn't gender-specific.
Somehow, we men are supposed to know when that "some of the time" is.
No you are NOT. The complete explanation if that if you push SOME of the time you will get your way and SOME of the time you won't. I think THAT'S the main point. Not that you should be able to figure out when the "some of the time" is but that you can HANDLE the "some of the time" where an extra push won't work.
By the way men can be frustrating too. At least my XH was frustrating and complicated.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
"Just lamenting that you all aren't as logical and straight-forward as us."
Balto, I can say the EXACT same thing in reference to my husband. In my marriage...I am the more logical straight-forward person. This isn't gender-specific.
I know GEL. I put a little wink eye thing there. That part was in jest.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Note to cac: if I balk, push a little more. You might not believe it, but I think that's what I want (at least some of the time.)
And herein lies one of the basic problems of M/F relationships. Somehow, we men are supposed to know when that "some of the time" is. If we ask, we are placating. If we push through the objections, it may very well be what you want. Except when it isn't. Then we annoy you or are too controlling.
I think, at that point, you're supposed to just accept that she'll be annoyed sometimes and not take it personally. Stay in a good mood anyway, maybe stop pushing, maybe start teasing, but never act like her annoyance or complaining hurts your feelings. Because they shouldn't... her being annoyed isn't a judgement of you as a person, it's just the way she's feeling.
And if you're constantly trying to figure out how to keep her happy, as if she's a capricious tyrant that you're trying to please, you're already going down the wrong track and she won't be happy and (more to the point) neither will you.
Quote:
I can get a manual for how my computer or TV works. I need a manual for how my wife works.
I think I've found one here, but it's kind of long. She is, after all, a lot more complicated than a computer or a TV. Your right brain is a lot better equipped to cope with her than your left brain, if you can fire it up and start using it properly. Most of the time
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Look who’s doing all the complaining on this thread about not getting feedback – the women. I think it is important for women to hear what a man wants to do because it is reassuring to her that he is concerned about her. But the is just the woman’s perspective. Just because a man says he doesn’t care what they do doesn’t mean h doesn’t car. In fact, he cares so much that he is will to let her do what she wants, thinking that he is “sacrificing” for her pleasure. As is evident here, that is not the message received by the woman.
When men are bonded with one another, they will often do the same thing and allow one person’s ideas to set the pace for the group. The next outing someone else’s ideas might be followed. But if there is not a comfortable bond, men will not generally follow what some “stranger” asks. So ladies, be sure you know what it is you are complaining about. If you get to the point that your H says he doesn’t want to follow your choices, that he wants to do what he wants to do and are you coming or not, you might have someone who is leading, or you might have someone who has decided the only way to make himself happy is to just go it alone.
