I could be reading it all wrong, it's just that in the tone of what you wrote, I though it sounded to me that the things you were saying to her would still sound controlling TO HER. You've been acting like you are married (not that that is a bad thing), but she is divorced. So to her any time you stick your oar in the water, it is controlling to her. So, if she's ever going to see you differently, I think you really need to detach. You say being with her sucks. Well, it seems the answer to that is obvious. It also seems to me that the only way to shake her back to reality is to let her live it, and it doesn't sound like you've done that. (In a odd way, even that is controlling). So, if I was giving advice, I'd say you need to get out of the way, and let her fall. Be ready to catch her, but you can only do that if she comes to you. And even than you need to be careful that she isn't just using you to bail her out. Unless it directly hurts the kids, I think you need to let go. She got what she wanted, so she needs to live with it.
