Without fail every night my wife will ask " What should we do for dinner? ". This question is about more than just food in many ways. I take this as a chance to lead or express my preference.
ABSOLUTELY1111 A gazillion and 10 points for you...
my xH would ask me... "so are you going to eat tonight?" Which had nothing to do with what he actually wanted to know... and we would go through this very silly, childish back and forth thing until he found out what I had decided to cook and what time I had decided we would eat.
God, that conversation used to piss me off so bad...
But yes, M, your answer is spot on, in so many ways...
Anyway, I've kind of got the opposite deal with the guy I'm dating. Instead of "What do you want...?", I'm getting "We will...". Okay, I know you guys didn't think the pubic hair thing was territorial but you gotta give it up on the "We will...", right? I'm kind of annoyed. I feel it's rather presumptuous and/or cavalier.
I think you are getting annoyed because you lived so long with a spineless man. My bf does this, too... and at first, it kind of annoyed me too... but, I gotta tell you... wow... what a wonderful thing. Now, if he says 'we will...' and I do have an opinion or preference, I speak up... but in a non-confrontational way. I will stand my ground. Otherwise, I just shut up and go have fun.
Everything in the R seemed to be controlled by me.
But if I did plan something... he'd complain that I hadn't thought of this, or hadn't thought of that...
Yeah I have lived with the same thing with my XH although he was different from your XH in other ways. This was Passive-aggressive (PA) behavior from my XH. The "problem" is that asking the question "What do you want to do this weekend?"isn't necessarily PA. The PA behavior is how the person reacts to the answer.
That's why Mojo wasn't being PA when she asked her H "what do you want to do this weekend" even though my XH (and probably yours) was PA.
I'm pretty easy going and have a broad range of interests so I might ask the question "What do you want to do this weekend" IF I don't have something specific in mind and want to check to see if my partner does. On the other hand if I do have something specific, I might say "Hey, let's go do x,y, or Z" or maybe "I want to do x,y, or z." Then my partner is free to agree or suggest his own idea if he had something in mind. If he has something else in mind, then we figure out which to do. having open communication and having both partners feeling confident about themselves helps this process IMMENSELY.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
What about if you don't know what you want to do, but you want to do [i]something and you're looking for the other person to come up with something that you'll enjoy without having to go to the effort of figuring out just what you would enjoy?
Is that passive-agressive or just lazy? Because we've both been known to do the "I'm not happy right now, and if you really loved me, you'd come up with something that would make me really have fun and be happy" thing.
Sometimes my answer to "what would you like to do" is "hang around here, play on the computer, talk, whip up something to eat at home, and watch some TV". Of course I don't put it precisely like that. Actually I don't put it at all like that, it comes out more like "I dunno". Which is pretty damn passive-aggressive now that I see it in black and white. But really, she only asks the question when there's not a chance in hell she'd like that particular answer. Which means it's time for a little give and take, not holding back and grudgingly going along with anything. Maybe next weekend I'll have a chance to try that out.
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 07/31/0702:07 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I absolutely agree with you. So many things in my marriage are still controlled by me...by default, not because I want the control.
I (just like the rest of you) HATE it when I ask my husband "so what wouldy you like for dinner?" and I get..."I don't care". Often I'll even go so far as to give him two choices...and he still will not pick one. It is irritating to the nth degree. This really was a big issue for us in the past...now not so much because he now knows (because I've told him) how much it irritates me that he won't make simple decisions within our relationship, he would leave them all to me.
When I confronted him about this awhile back his response was "I really don't care, I've been thinking about stuff all day I just want to kick back and relax." To which I replied..."what do you think I have been doing at work all day...finger painting?"
To give him credit...he does much better now about participating within our family and not just going along for the ride...but it took me confronting him about that behavior and pointing out that I have to make decisions all day long too....but I don't get a break from it at home just because I worked all day.
My H will NOW plan dates for us, and get everything arranged too. If we go out to dinner on a whim...he'll voice a preference if he has one...if I offer choices for dinner, he chooses. I have to admit, it really helps.
Sometimes my answer to "what would you like to do" is "hang around here, play on the computer, talk, whip up something to eat at home, and watch some TV". Of course I don't put it precisely like that. Actually I don't put it at all like that, it comes out more like "I dunno". Which is pretty damn passive-aggressive now that I see it in black and white.But really, she only asks the question when there's not a chance in hell she'd like that particular answer. Which means it's time for a little give and take, not holding back and grudgingly going along with anything. Maybe next weekend I'll have a chance to try that out.
Yeah, sounds like a bit of PA to me. There's no rule that says you BOTH cannot be Passive aggressive! In fact I could see how that could complicate things even MORE. BUT here's the key, not being PA does help you be happier, I think. It seems the more I watch people the more it seems easier to figure out the PA behavior appears to make people more unhappy. So the good thing is that at least by stopping your own PA behavior YOU will feel better.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I think you are getting annoyed because you lived so long with a spineless man. My bf does this, too... and at first, it kind of annoyed me too... but, I gotta tell you... wow... what a wonderful thing. Now, if he says 'we will...' and I do have an opinion or preference, I speak up... but in a non-confrontational way. I will stand my ground. Otherwise, I just shut up and go have fun.
Thank you for disagreeing with me because I thought about it and realized that beneath my crack of annoyance is a huge canyon of "lack of trust". Gee, I wonder where that came from? I think I just get confused because I'm more fearful of being dependent than being independent. Well, according to the latest test I took on OkayCupid, I am a member of the Cute League which means that men are going to be inclined to pick me up so I guess that means that I better learn how to tumble so that I can stop worrying about getting dropped on my head to the extent that I feel like I should insist on walking. Practice makes perfect.
L:We will be going to the circus this weekend.
M: Sounds like fun!
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
What about if you don't know what you want to do, but you want to do something and you're looking for the other person to come up with something that you'll enjoy without having to go to the effort of figuring out just what you would enjoy?
I do this. I tend to make pretty much all of the decisions about what we're having for dinner, for example, and once in a while I ask cac because I just don't want to think about it or make the decision myself. More often than not, he says "I don't know" or "I don't care" or "whatever you want."
Also, once in a while, he'll have a suggestion about something to do during the weekend, and I've found that I actually like it when he asserts himself a bit. Of course, if he knew it was something I hated to do then it wouldn't go over too well.
What I'm realizing is that I do like it when he is "in charge." I didn't used to like it when I was much younger because of FOO reasons (I believed that my father controlled my mother and didn't want a man controlling me.) But as I've gotten older, and now after reading Corri's post, I'm realizing that cac could stand to assert himself some more, not only for me, but for himself!
Note to cac: if I balk, push a little more. You might not believe it, but I think that's what I want (at least some of the time.)
I (just like the rest of you) HATE it when I ask my husband "so what wouldy you like for dinner?" and I get..."I don't care". Often I'll even go so far as to give him two choices...and he still will not pick one. It is irritating to the nth degree.
I totally understand that it can feel annoying. BUT you didn't mention if he complains when you make the choice. If he doesn't complain, then at least he is not Passive-aggressive like my XH and possibly Corri's. I don't mean to downplay the annoyingness of it but it is a different issue.
Also I have to plead guilty for that behavior AT TIMES. My XH used to complain if I did not have an opinion on what to do or what to eat at ALL times. There are just times where I really don't care. And in those times I HAPPILY accept whatever someone else chooses.
Oddly enough in those situations where my XH would INSIST that I choose, at least 75% of the time he would disagree and then choose something else. THAT was annoying! (By the way he did start to see that through counseling and has since apologized for that behavior. Part of what drove that behavior was a WANT to be led by others.)
My H will NOW plan dates for us, and get everything arranged too. If we go out to dinner on a whim...he'll voice a preference if he has one...if I offer choices for dinner, he chooses. I have to admit, it really helps.
And if you just accept his choice, then it shows you are not PA either. That has to be a plus for your marriage!!!
Good for him to be willing to change and good for you for making that change easy.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Sometimes my answer to "what would you like to do" is "hang around here, play on the computer, talk, whip up something to eat at home, and watch some TV". Of course I don't put it precisely like that. Actually I don't put it at all like that, it comes out more like "I dunno". Which is pretty damn passive-aggressive now that I see it in black and white.But really, she only asks the question when there's not a chance in hell she'd like that particular answer. Which means it's time for a little give and take, not holding back and grudgingly going along with anything. Maybe next weekend I'll have a chance to try that out.
Yeah, sounds like a bit of PA to me. There's no rule that says you BOTH cannot be Passive aggressive! In fact I could see how that could complicate things even MORE. BUT here's the key, not being PA does help you be happier, I think. It seems the more I watch people the more it seems easier to figure out the PA behavior appears to make people more unhappy. So the good thing is that at least by stopping your own PA behavior YOU will feel better.
Huh. I didn't even see her passive-aggressiveness in this situation. Yes, when "what would you like to do?" means "I want to go do something. Come up with a good plan", that too is passive-agressive. Throwing out my preference anyway should be a good way to pull the text out of that subtext and get some negotiation going. Or maybe start an argument, depending on whether one of us is cranky. Of course when she starts talking like that, it's a good sign she's already not in the best mood and is hoping I'll know how to pull her out of it. Maybe a clearly stated preference, even to stay home, will help pull her out of it. Especially if by "stay home" I don't mean "go in my office, lock the door, and hide from the world". Sometimes I really want to do that, but it doesn't end up making me particularly happy, so it's not a good idea to even throw that out as a preference, right? Especially when it doesn't make anyone else happy either. Better to do something that actually boosts my attitude and everyone else's too.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
