There and Back

[SallyM]

but see, jack, that's where I think you are wrong. you need to not wait for her anymore. its backfiring...you said it yourself, your waiting just empowers her, and weakens you/breaks your heart.

maybe I'm just looking at my own situation. maybe I'm just being bitter about everything. who knows. but I think the waiting is detrimental.

I'm so sorry for what you are going for. was thinking about you last night, actually, and wondering how things were going. its not fair, it sucks that they put us in the positions we are in, but we can't change it, we can just live our own lives. H asked me last week what it was going to take for me to stop loving him. well, I guess I need to figure that out. my problem is, I don't want to. and I guess the only solution is to figure out why I don't want to, and then to figure out how to do it. because the truth of the matter is, he doesn't want me any more. and it makes me feel like a complete loser that he doesn't...that there is something wrong with me. but I'm not a loser, I know I have my foibles, but really, there is NOTHING I have done that is so bad that I deserve how he has treated me. nothing. and nothing I can do will change who he has become. I need to let go. I need to. not pretend to, I need to fully do it. S5 was right last night...daddy doesn't live here anymore.

mkultra, send pursuit of happyness back NOW. I beg you. you can get it from netflix again when/if you are ready for it. I made the same mistake with that movie...I had just got it last spring, and held it until H could watch it with me. finally I did watch it on my own, and wish I never had. not a good one right now. jmho. send it back, get something funny...order something you can lose yourself in. I've found it can be fun renting tv shows I never watched. ever watch gilmore girls? I had never seen it, then took a studio tour out in LA, where we saw a ton of the set. I ended up renting it...oh so funny, oh so good for escapism. I've found myself re-watching it...helps that its about a fun/strong/sexy single mom.

and good for you for cooking. that was the hardest thing for me, cooking real food again. it was getting to be mac-n-cheese/fish sticks/etc for the kids (I didn't eat a whole lot the first month or two or three, so wasn't really eating dinner). now I have made a goal of cooking real food at least 3x a week. if that seems too much, start with once a week and work up when you are ready. I'm doing better, just have to re-adjust portions...the kids aren't huge eaters, and I'm not, and with H not here (he eats a ton), its almost like cooking for one. Or I cook for 2 and have leftovers.