Come to think of it, she seems to like nurturing me. And she likes having sex with me. But not necessarily at the same time.
I've seen her nurture me through sex a few times. Her cow is going to town on me, but her monkey sleeps right through it. I think. She seems to be happy afterwards, but her "high" wears off really quickly when this happens.
I can see how she'd get tired of it if that was the way it was all the time. Actually, I think that was the way it was all the time, and she didn't get all that excited about it, but she was up for it a lot more often than a lot of women would be. That tells me she's either the world's healthiest woman or she's really messed up in a way that exactly fits me.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
You may have told me this before, but since I am so like your ex, what should he have done to meet his own needs, and then, what should he have changed about himself that would have changed you into a very passionate woman? What would have made him less needy in your eyes? Would this have gotten you to a PM?
Hmmmm. In terms of rolls he and I played, I was really okay with what he did and I did. He took care of outside things, I took care of inside things. Cool. I cooked inside, he cooked outside.
The nurturing came in more subtle forms. "What do you want to do this weekend?" And he would wait for me to come up with suggestions, plan the weekend, arrange a babysitter, etc. Slam. I hated that. He'd wait for me to show us a good time. He'd sit there like a dam bump on a log... LOOKING AT ME.
Everything in the R seemed to be controlled by me. It was like the man had no opinion about ANYTHING in his entire body. But if I did plan something... he'd complain that I hadn't thought of this, or hadn't thought of that...
If he wanted to have sex... he'd say to me... "so, are we going to have sex tonight?" Ewh. Yuck.
He'd wait for a hug from me... but never initiate one himself. He'd talk about his day, his work, his things.... at length.... but when it came to me and my day... cursory questions, no listening... he'd have something else to do.
Emotionally.... everything was about him. How was he feeling, how was he doing, what was he thinking, what was he facing... HE needed encouragement, support, a cheerleader, but never, ever thought that those same things would be appreciated the other way. He just, seriously, had no interest in ME. My thoughts, my feelings... beyond just cursory regard to get through a day.
When I was in that car accident in Houston... and I called him at 1 a.m. Houston time, 2 a.m. EST time... and told him that I was in the hospital, I was alive.... not to worry... his first response to me was.... "you're okay? Then why did you call me? You know how important my sleep is."
This is the nurturing of a mother to a child. If you notice... your children don't normally spend a great deal of time getting to know you, ask about you, etc. They love to tell you about what they are doing, they love for you to be present at their functions, consider what they are doing as the be all end all... but that is a typical flow on a one-way channel. They are kids... you know?
I didn't want to be married to a child. I want a man who is interested AND interesting. I want someone for me to be interested in, and for him to be interested BY me. He has his life. I have my life. We have OUR life. But we INTEREST each other. We respect one another for what we do to contribute to the whole... NOT what we think each OWES the other... or why be together kind of thing.
Ewh. Sick. Gross.
CeMar, you KNOW I stepped it up with sex. And still, THAT did not help us... because the emotional connection outside the bedroom, everything I just talked about... was absent.
He was just that self-absorbed.
That's fine. Doesn't make him a bad person... but it does make for an INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT marriage partner. Dam near impossible. Cobra is/was married to the female version of this...
Dunno. If this doesn't make sense to you, please ask... I doubt you will see yourself in this... my xH never did... but I will be happy to try further.
That made me laugh, not at your situation but how common that dynamic is in relationships.
Without fail every night my wife will ask " What should we do for dinner? ". This question is about more than just food in many ways. I take this as a chance to lead or express my preference.
Corri I called him at 1 a.m. Houston time, 2 a.m. EST time... and told him that I was in the hospital, I was alive.... not to worry... his first response to me was.... "you're okay? Then why did you call me? You know how important my sleep is."
Lightbulb moment for me. My H could have been yours with some subtle differences. Very interesting seeing the dynamics written down.
I rarely ask what my H would like for dinner because the answer is always "anything" instant irritation guaranteed LOL.
Cemar if you were like this in your 1st M and have continued this in your 2nd changing your own attitude may well help you get where you want to be.
Actually Corri I think you've hit the nail bang on the head here.If the attitude to sex is present in other aspects of Cemars personality the ME ME ME that comes across here is a big part of the problem.
You've really given ME food for thought here Corri it may not help Cemar but it has helped me so thanks.
DIY she's overseas on business right now so I can't find out the real answer. We live in a downtown apartment surrounded by resturants and generally we eat out or order in and that's what the decision she's asking me to make is about. Where not what.
If she doesn't feel like making something, if I truly want it then I'll make it myself.
I forgot to answer the original question as to why a "Deida guy" would marry. My version.
To constantly gift her with his consciousness. To open her up with his "big heart" and not his "big dick" To fill her with Love not drain her of it. To accept the challenge of the feminine distracting him as a constant.
I would sometimes ask my X this question simply because he was so oppositional and anhedonic that I knew if I suggested something it would usually be rejected so it just seemed easier to determine if there was actually ANYTHING he might want to do.
I'm assuming that what you would have preferred would have been something along the lines of him saying "I'm thinking I'd like to go out for Thai and see the new Simpsons movie. Care to join me?" Which would give you the option of saying "Thai sounds great but I'd rather see Hairspray. How 'bout we have dinner split up for the movies and then make out in the car like teenagers in the movie parking lot?"
Because I'm easy-going, I've been kind of working on thinking more about my preferences along the lines of I think it would be fun to see the Simpsons with you and I think it would be fun to see Hairspray with you but I would prefer Hairspray. Otherwise, I'm always just always saying "Sure, why not?" For instance, when one date asked me which restaurant I'd prefer, I actually said "If I had a preference I'd state it but I don't so you pick." because I wanted to make it clear that I wasn't being spineless just honestly easy-to-please. I'm working on being more that way sexually too.
Anyway, I've kind of got the opposite deal with the guy I'm dating. Instead of "What do you want...?", I'm getting "We will...". Okay, I know you guys didn't think the pubic hair thing was territorial but you gotta give it up on the "We will...", right? I'm kind of annoyed. I feel it's rather presumptuous and/or cavalier.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
