NikkiB #18

[NikB]

Thanks all for checking in.

SD
WOW, your post really hit home. Thank you so much. I've been coming to some of that realization about the power struggle (EVER so slowly)... but it helps to read your thoughts on it. Yes, it's going to be an ongoing fight, I can sure see that.

I caught a glimpse of what it was like to prefer, to choose, but not be so attached - just didn't get enough of it to truly get there all the way, and I need to strive for it again.

That's an awesome love letter idea, thanks!! Actually it's funny you suggested that. Tonight I was feeling that anger and anxiety welling up again and I decided to try a new "as if." I don't know if this will make sense but it might - I'm trying to act "as if" I have an OM (but really the "OP" is me... told you this might not make sense). Anyway as if, I'm getting all the validation I need, hearing all the compliments, someone sees the good in me [and maybe a little blind to the bad stuff]. NOT AT ALL talking about actually finding an OM, but finding the feeling that comes from all those things.

I missed your last MC session info, I will go look at that. You are definitely further along than we are, and I often follow your story to see what may lie ahead. I'm so glad you're on the path you're on, seems like you're really in a good place.

I agree on the MC - I actually felt, that it's a positive he wants to go by himself. He wants to go so bad he'll go ON HIS OWN, that's gotta be good right??

ST
Thanks for posting! I have mentioned that a few times, about wanting to help myself too (and the way we interact). Every time he responds that he's the messed up one, not me. Kind of strange... he seemed almost shocked I even WANTED to go. The MC is so future-focused it's almost scary. I think our first session was maybe 20 minutes of "family history" and then it was "Alright well, let's cut to the chase, what's going on NOW?" Part of me thought "but but but don't you want to know why..?" then realized no, she's exactly what I wanted, it was just a shock to find it. I wouldn't say she's focused on saving the M, but she's definitely focused on figuring out our own needs and how to move forward (not dwell).

He was all set to go Thursday then found out he had a work meeting that he really can't get out of (and it's legit, it would be bad if he skipped out early, and he was actually upset about not being able to go this week). He asked me to reschedule but I'm considering just going by myself now... not sure, I'll have to decide tomorrow. Either way I'll set something up next week either for us both or just him, though.

The birthday was really good. My dad actually relaxed a lot and it was just a nice family dinner. Kind of sad right before we left my sis kept asking my stepmom (her mom) "But Mommy can't you just stay one night? It's no big deal, it's just one night, let's have a sleepover." Stepmom kept putting her off, understandably, but it broke my heart. Other than that though it was great. Dad had fun, and stepmom seemed a lot more relaxed than she has in a long time. H was so great too, he helped do the dishes, really jumped into the conversations, played with my sis.. it was fun.