The bad part of it is that I am not the only one making an effort. She calls me and asks me to get together most of the time. I rarely ever contact her.
It is just when we are together, she just takes. That is what is so draining. Not sure if that is what you experience as well or not.
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
The bad part of it is that I am not the only one making an effort.
But in reality you are the one making the effort....making the effort to be her sounding board for 2+ hours. She is the one that decides whether you get together in the first place and then she unburdens herself to a willing ear. You are making the effort by being available for that....she just has to call, she knows you'll say yes. She knows she could still have you. So far it's about taking what she wants from you...which is someone to listen to her (and that is important for a woman)
I'm not really giving any advice...just pointing that out. As long as life is going well for you, there is no reason you can't make some time for her every once in a while. Seeing as these "dates" haven't been going much of anywhere, perhaps you could determine the pace of the next one. Meet with her for a little bit, but then you cut it short for other unspecified plans (even if it's just housework).
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for the kind words. I have been thinking about them over the past few days and you are totally correct! I will start not giving into her again and see what happens.
As an update, I mentioned to her, or acidentially let it slip the other night that I was looking to buy a house. Friday, I got a call at my office from my XMIL telling me that their neighbor across the street is moving and needs to sell their house quick and it is a good deal. She was wondering if I would be interested although she knew full well it is far from my job and out of my price range.
Thought it was very very odd that 1. She knew I was house hunting, 2. She called even though she had to have know it was more than I could afford or need (3,200 sft and $350K), 3. Did she really think that I would consider living across the street from them?????
Not sure if this is some sort of ploy on her part or not? Not sure what to think other than HUH?????
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
Well, I took JustMe's advice tonight and do feel a bit more in command.
The other night someone left a message for the XW on the machine. I called her and told her that there was a message, that the code has not changed and she could pick up the message when she gets the chance. She called tonight and could not remember the code, although it has not changed in over 14 years!
She proceeds to tell me about her trip with a friend this weekend where they went to a wedding for a Fraternity Brother and a friend of ours. She was very nervous going she says because of everything and they ended up leaving early. She told me who they saw, etc. She then told me somethings that shocked me. She didn't realize the issues surrounding all of the people that we knew from college. She didn't realize how, now 10 years later, they are still in college in a way. And the realizations kept coming.
Not sure why and can't believe that she was that nieve but maybe she is. She tried to get a jab in when she mentioned that they had some travelling soccer players buying them drinks all night. Didn't bother me since I know her and know that she would not do anything with them and her friend is married. Nice try though.
Anyway, ended up telling her that I needed to go and would email the number and name as she asked. She asked me then how my family was. Told her fine.....mentioned that I have been busy with meetings, and had to go. Told her I would talk to her at some point.
I realy have been doing some thinking and I am not sure where she fits into my life.....if she fits into my life anymore. I just can't do it anymore. She is in or she is out. That is it. I can't have this contact me when she wants or whatever. In or out. I am just not sure if that is really what I want or if it is what I need to do.
Ughhhh.....on top of this I am looking to buy a house which is ALWAYS STRESSFUL!
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
I read through your posts and am so curious how you remained friends with your w following the D. This is a link to a post where my w is telling me not to contact her. She is still angry at me. Its a double edged sword. How do I stay in contact with someone who doesn't to talk, but who I honestly feel would feel better if they could get some of their feelings out to me? http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1161993&page=0&fpart=1
Good luck to you and sounds like you are very strong.
I am not quite sure how to answer you. The whole friends thing is something that she wanted! Talk about confusing!
It is very difficult from my side. While I still love her (always will I have a feeling), it is getting more and more difficult to try to have some sort of friendship with her. After a 2.5 or 3 hour dinner, it is difficult not to walk away and ask "Why are we divorced again?"
Just last week, I spoke with her twice. Probably would have gone out to dinner again if not for a funeral that she was attending and a party for work.
At times, I think it would be much much easier to hate each other! Which also leads me to your stitch.
I think in a way that is what yours is doing. Filling everything with hate in order to make it easier. The best thing that I can tell you is to let her go and start a life of your own. She is dealing with a lot of issues that she needs to work out. The only thing that you can do is to give her space and to develop you. Create the life you want, if she wants to try again, then incorporate her into your life again, just as you did when you first met.
That is the best advice I can give. While I am stronger than I was, there are times where I really miss not having her there. But the best thing that I was able to do is to create a life of my own!
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
Well, today is my one year anniversary of my D going final. What a crazy year! Sorry that I have not been on much recently, things have been absolutely crazy in my world.
Wishing everyone the best in their lives and the best for the future!
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
Hey, just a quick update for anyone interested.....
I decided to buy a house this week.....so great with the tax break! My accountant hs been pestering me for about a year now to do so...finalyy took the dive.
On the XW front, could use some suggestions. Two weeks she called me out of the blue. She was wondering what my grandfather was doing since it was coming up to a recent anniversary for my grandmother's death. *Completely Random Question* She thought about it and was wondering. I told her fine and that I had spoken with the that weeekend like I normally do.
She took the next 1.5 hours talking about her job....surprise!.....it sounds like she is getting forced out of her job. He boss' contract was not renewed...she applied for job....they appointed someone else....not good.
Knowing job was not good...and the nice guy I am, decided to send flowers for XW birthday to her office, the day that she left for a two week vacation. what woman doesn't like to receive flowers at the office?
All I got was a text message saying "Thanks for the flowers"....am I expecting to much or reading into too much?
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
I don't know about the flowers. If she is losing her job she must feel low and her self-esteem must have taken a hit since another person was picked. The flowers may have reminded her of a funeral in a way so she may have taken your motive wrong.
It is so hard to communicate at times. Plus flowers are pursuit and we all know about that!
Talking 1.5 hours is a plus - my former W does not want to do that - not b/c of hate but b/c she is still so uneasy around me. Your xW seems to be comfortable enough to share a major life concern with you even though she needed a "non-question" to get the ball rolling. I assumed you you listened without comment? Good.
Maybe a follow up to thank her for sharing? Maybe affirm that you have full confidence that she will get any job she sets her sights on b/c of her ability? An offer to proof her resume? Just a short note to her - no pursuit - as you would any friend.
Just ideas. But she called you and that is good. Your expectations? None. She is testing you. Support her best you can.
Congrats on the house. That is moving forward. She will notice (even though that was not your motive).
