S5 calmly explained how he can use it, 'cause daddy doesn't live here anymore. daddy lives somewhere else.
Morgan, I can totally relate to this. Last Thursday, I went to move my Bed out of our house. One of my best friends helped me move it. He told me he overheard my S7 tell his little neighbor friend that.. "Daddy was taking my Mommy's bed". I laughed at first, but then as I tried to understand it from a 7 year old's perspective, the impact of that statement set in and it saddened me.
It's funny how the honesty and innocence of our kids can clarify so many complicated issues that we ourselves have trouble accepting/understanding.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
its so hard, isn't it? they do lay things out there. and omg, its so sad. I'm so sad.
so I've been doing some thinking and some journaling tonight. I think I need to move on to acceptance. I do. when I look at the concrete...at what he has shown me, not what he tells me, its all there in black and white. and I can DB till the cows come home, but I need to do it, at least the GAL part, without expecting results, like a saved marriage. I need to move on. there will always be that glimmer of hope for me. until things are final, there will. and, for now, I'm still resolved that he will be the one to file and tie it up in a neat little package. I'm not going to talk to him about D until he brings it up, but its time I started living like that is where we are headed...not faking it, not lying to myself, but really heading there.
on june 1st, my H devastated me by choosing something I had asked him not to. I told him he was gone, pick up his stuff, no more chances. I meant it. I wasn't really there yet, but understood I had to be there. my friend helped me compose the e-mail I sent him the next day...I meant every word. this is what I wrote (for the most part, some car seat/logistics stuff is edited out):
we're obviously in different places right now. I'm more resolved, but still, I'm a little nervous about you coming over tomorrow, so figured setting up some guidelines ahead of time would be good.
I need you to say hi and be civil to me, and i will be to you, on the days that you do come over to see/get the kids. I need you to not tell me about what you are doing in your life...I don't want to know. and I need you not to ask me about mine. we need to keep our conversation, if any, about the kids. does this work for you? let me know.
I was ready to live this way, as hard as it was. and I really meant every word of it. at 1:30 am, the morning after sending it to him, he came in the door, woke me up, swept me in his arms and promised me the moon on a silver platter...anything so that it wasn't actually over between us.
well, I finally relented and opened my heart. and it was the wrong thing to do. it was. so here I sit, nearly 2 months later (wow, that was 2 months ago!) and I am all the worse for opening my heart. maybe if I had found db earlier, who knows. and who knows, maybe things can still work out. but what I know, for now, is that I need to do the things in this e-mail. I need to tell him not to ask about my life anymore, I need to keep what conversations we have about the kids. I need to learn to not ask/care about his life anymore.
its going to be hard. but I think I'm finally getting that this is the path I need to take. It hurts too much, the hope. I need to learn to accept the realities. my kids have...they said it tonight, "daddy doesn't live here anymore." I need to get that thru my thick skull. he doesn't. he's gone.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
morgan...you didnt do anything wrong in the phone conversation you had earlier...you cant second guess everything you do and say as it relates to him...you will drive yourself crazy...you do need to GAL and move forward for YOU...not to win him back....focus on your kids and like you said keep your interactions with him about the kids...you are obviously a warm compassionate person so your emotions are natural considering the circumstances..you must try to control your emotions and put in action some of the things you learn here...it is so hard i know but i know you can do it.....take it easy...BT
ME-47 WAW-42 S16 S8 bomb 5/5/06 separated 10/6/06 D 4/18/07
Hey Morgan! You're doing fine. You are Super Mom. You are fun. Your kids are having fun at swim lessons. They will have fun having lunch with Daddy. He is 40 and having a MLC. He is losing his kids, not in a custodial way, but you know what I mean. They will always have you, their rock. Remember I am in the same boat and you are not alone. I did something I am proud of today, I cooked a meal. I have not done that in weeks. I don't know why but we have been living off of eating out. left overs, pizza, and oatmeal. I guess I just wasn't ready before, but today I made a nice meal. Tomorrow it will be spaghetti. Isn't it funny how we deal with sadness. At least you are a good enough mom to make your beautiful kids a meal! I am laughing but since my H and I watch every Netflix movie together, I could not find the strength to watch any movie except one:"Something's Gotta Give". I have watched it probably ten times alone when the kids are asleep. Crazy but it keeps me sane. I haven't told that to anyone. I have saved "Pursuit of Happyness" for four months since the bomb. I cannot bring myself to watch it alone and I cannot admit defeat and send it back. I wanted to watch it with him. Crazy me.
Last edited by mkultra; 07/31/0705:14 AM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I have discovered that every time I open my heart and pour my feelings out I am the one that is hurt again. I have done this at times when she was so far down in the dumps and I was sure she would react. We have had some nice moments here she crys, hugs me and even tells me she is still in love with me. But it seems me making it clear that I'm still waiting with open arms empowers her and leaves me hurt all over again.
I know this was bad DBing, but the woman of my dreams was hurting and I do lover her. It was and is a hard lesson to learn. I hope i have learned that I need to wait for her.
I sent her the final mediation document letter and included the following tect:
_____________________________________
one comment about a change and then....
Otherwise it is fine. Thanks for working together on this and not making it worse than it had to be. I hope this finalized document helps you get closer to where you want to be.
If you ever need anything (not just money) but help, a shoulder to cry on, a person to listen to good news, help carrying furniture :)or anything else in the world – I will “always” be there for you. ____________________________________________________________
but see, jack, that's where I think you are wrong. you need to not wait for her anymore. its backfiring...you said it yourself, your waiting just empowers her, and weakens you/breaks your heart.
maybe I'm just looking at my own situation. maybe I'm just being bitter about everything. who knows. but I think the waiting is detrimental.
I'm so sorry for what you are going for. was thinking about you last night, actually, and wondering how things were going. its not fair, it sucks that they put us in the positions we are in, but we can't change it, we can just live our own lives. H asked me last week what it was going to take for me to stop loving him. well, I guess I need to figure that out. my problem is, I don't want to. and I guess the only solution is to figure out why I don't want to, and then to figure out how to do it. because the truth of the matter is, he doesn't want me any more. and it makes me feel like a complete loser that he doesn't...that there is something wrong with me. but I'm not a loser, I know I have my foibles, but really, there is NOTHING I have done that is so bad that I deserve how he has treated me. nothing. and nothing I can do will change who he has become. I need to let go. I need to. not pretend to, I need to fully do it. S5 was right last night...daddy doesn't live here anymore.
mkultra, send pursuit of happyness back NOW. I beg you. you can get it from netflix again when/if you are ready for it. I made the same mistake with that movie...I had just got it last spring, and held it until H could watch it with me. finally I did watch it on my own, and wish I never had. not a good one right now. jmho. send it back, get something funny...order something you can lose yourself in. I've found it can be fun renting tv shows I never watched. ever watch gilmore girls? I had never seen it, then took a studio tour out in LA, where we saw a ton of the set. I ended up renting it...oh so funny, oh so good for escapism. I've found myself re-watching it...helps that its about a fun/strong/sexy single mom.
and good for you for cooking. that was the hardest thing for me, cooking real food again. it was getting to be mac-n-cheese/fish sticks/etc for the kids (I didn't eat a whole lot the first month or two or three, so wasn't really eating dinner). now I have made a goal of cooking real food at least 3x a week. if that seems too much, start with once a week and work up when you are ready. I'm doing better, just have to re-adjust portions...the kids aren't huge eaters, and I'm not, and with H not here (he eats a ton), its almost like cooking for one. Or I cook for 2 and have leftovers.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
the truth of the matter is, he doesn't want me any more. and it makes me feel like a complete loser that he doesn't...that there is something wrong with me. but I'm not a loser, I know I have my foibles, but really, there is NOTHING I have done that is so bad that I deserve how he has treated me. nothing. and nothing I can do will change who he has become. I need to let go. I need to. not pretend to, I need to fully do it. S5 was right last night...daddy doesn't live here anymore.
I initially questioned myself and did find some behaviors that I needed to address, but nothing that would justify her walking out on me for some butt ugly, mentally challenged, and emotionally disturbed OM. It's just such a step down for her in quality that it makes no sense. It's not just me that realizes this, but a wink and nod behind her back from her girlfriends reinforces my perception of the situation.
No Morgan, it's not you, it's not me, and it's not us who are on this board. It is definitely them. We come here to try and salvage our marriage because we believe in it and are willing to work through the problems. We are trying to understand what went wrong and what part we played in it. They on the other hand, run from it without mercy or explanation in some cases. We can't change them or their new found view of us. We can only try to soften the landing for ourselves and realize that there is nothing wrong with us.
Last edited by Astimegoeson; 07/31/0702:34 PM.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
thanks, astimegoeson. I need to get all of that thru my thick skull. not easy sometimes.
not the best morning. still in a mood and when I took h's car to my therapy appt today, I snooped. yep, I snooped. its been nearly a month since I last did that, and it always bites me in the ass, so not sure why I did it. maybe I'm trying to break from him. who knows. what I do know is that, courtesy of his gps, I now have her home address, and the address of her beach house. I was sorely tempted to copy her house keys (on his keyring, that I take when I take his car), head on over there, and decorate her house. my friend and I decided we should cover it from top to bottom in photocopies of old love letters/cards that H has given me over the years.
ahhh, would be so satisfying.
but I'll show restraint. I didn't copy the keys. I won't go there even without the keys. but oh the fantasy.
I had an okay therapy session...very sad, but okay. I love my therapist, she is so awesome, I know she is going to be a big help in the next few months. I went to the gym after, had a decent w/o. was upbeat when H got home with the kids. nothing more I can do...my post above still stands. I need to let go, for real. I need to realize he has changed, and not for the better, at least not where I am concerned. I need to. its going to be hard, but hopefully I'll come out the other side a stronger, happier person.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
how wrong would it be for me to talk to him? I mean really talk to him. when/if he calls tonight, or when he comes over tomorrow. I think I want to ask him, or rather point out, what he hasn't had the balls to say...that its over. that he's done. I know he is. I know he's back with her. I know he went away with her this weekend...pretty sure I even know where, based on the gps. I know its over. and maybe getting it out in the open is a good thing. It beats another bomb, right? this way its more on my terms, rather than when he serves me or tells me. this waiting around until he asks for a D is really awful...I know its heading there.
I've asked him before if he was done, and he has said no, but I think he really is now. he just can't figure out (or again, doesn't have the balls) to tell me. it will hurt like hell, but hey, its coming anyway, why prolong it?
what do you all think?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I think if you know it's coming, why make him say it. You can just prepare yourself for whenever it comes. Making him say it isn't going to help you in your goal of getting back with him. Prolong it. If you are DBing and GAL, the longer it takes the better you will be when it does happen. That's just me.
