Almost Walked Away Wife

[Gone Dancin']

Well, gee whiz, I'm not telling how old I am anymore. Nobody will talk to me now! lol

Sandi!!! That's not it at all! If I may, I'm guessing that because your posts are almost always quite long, people struggle to find the time to stay on top of your thread. It can be a lot of work, esp if the other fellow DBers are working, raising kids, reading and posting to other DBers, etc. Sometimes journaling here is good for you simply because it's good to vent your feelings and free your mind -- nothing more. It seems like this is something that you do here quite often. Is that correct? I think that sometimes people will read a person's venting and not know what to say to them because there wasn't a specific question or issue that the poster asked to be addressed. When that happens, the reader just tends to move on to the next thread on their list. I think that if you have a specific issue or question you want some feedback on, you should try to be concise with your post. This will get you more posts from others. However, if you need to get something out by all means do it! Whether or not you get responses for it should at that point not be the focus. At that point the journaling is healthy for you because it gets things out for you. It lightens your load, because the best way to reflect on oneself is to study oneself and the issues at hand. Lay it out and dissect it.

Also, do you visit many people's threads? Reciprocating the favor by posting to others is a great way to build those Rs around here and keep them going. However, even when you build the Rs, it is best to try to vary the length of your posts so people don't feel overwhelmed all of the time.

And btw, thanks a bunch for reading my "last stand talk" draft for my W. I just got back into town late last night and haven't been able to get back to you. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me the feedback -- having a WAWs perspective on this was excellent. Thanks again!

GD

[imLIN]

I for one prefer a long post...usually I get a better idea/picture of things...

I also agree that sometimes it is just for us that we journal...and it is good that you are doing this more Sandi...you will find it helps you to put things in perspective and just because you may not get a comment on a particular post doesn't mean that it isn't being read and thought about...and more important it doesn't mean that it isn't helping someone else who might be feeling the same way but just can't put it in to words just yet...

So keep posting, venting, journaling...keep long or short and sweet...whatever works for you...

And I hope that I still have lots of sexual feelings when I am 60...I know I am more sexually interested since I turned 40 then when I was in the midst of raising kids!

Take care....Lin

[sandi2]

Hi everyone. I haven't heard from any of you in a day or so and perhaps I got a little spoiled to the great encouragement I was receiving. Anyway, I have had a bad time of it this week and need your prayers. When the temptation to contact the OM gets to be about more than I can take, I start reading all the posts I can until I get so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open. I have noticed there are several WAW and I have replied to some hoping we could encourage each other. Anyway, what I am asking is this...are there sucess stories from WAW that have been in situations like mine? Not that you friends that have responded have not helped me....you have greatly! It's just that I knew you were probably more familiar with the forums and archieves and would know if any are posted or if you recall anything that you could relate to us WAW that would be helpful.

Most of you are so patient with us....those of you who are LBS. I have read one or two where the pain was still so raw that they could not be too kindly toward the WAS that was seeking advice, and I can understand why. We must be sound so selfish when we post our stitch. However, some of us truly do want to do what we know is right and fair to our H and our families and MR. But, we do have very low moments where we feel so discouraged and are fighting the temptations. The LBS, if I have understood what I've read, have the "loving" feelings toward their S, but we who are WAS don't have those "feelings". I don't mean to sound curel when I make that statement. God knows how I want to have those feelings again. It seems like everything would be so much easier if I did have the feelings! Every day is a struggle for me just to hang in the M and try to keep from going insane. I have no desire for my H....don't want him to touch me....can barely stay under the same roof at times. I know...that sound harsh, but just trying to explain the things we go through. I don't know how it is for some, but for me...just to clean the house and cook, etc. is about more than I can force myself to do because my "heart" isn't in it. I can almost hear some wanting to preach me a sermon at this point...so, I'll stop there.

Those of you who are so good to give us that encouragement, even if you may think we are selfish or underserving at times....thank you....for our family's sake if nothing else.

If anyone has time to reply to me today....the sooner the better...I really could use somebody.

[Not Much Left]

Sandi
We are here. At least I am. I hear you. Us LBS's dont have great advice for you I ashamed to say. When you mention how hard it is to do daily stuff, we certainly understand how hard anything is given the stress levels. That is why we all post here I think. To GAL and just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and DO IT. The same thing goes for your "feelings" toward you H. Feelings are a product of actions, not the other way around. I know I have said that before but I do believe it is true. I dont think you can truly love someone just sitting back and letting each other drift apart or sitting back and waiting for the other person to make you happy, do you?

CVA

[sandi2]

Thanks CVA, you are a good friend and I needed someone to answer me quickly and you did. You are correct in what you said and I needed to be reminded of that fact. I can only imagine how difficult if must be for LBS to pick themselves up and do what needs to be done and also to GAL I know it can't be any harder for us WAS than it is for LBS! I realize that I have always been one that wanted the feeling to go before the actions and it should be the other way around...at least that is the way is has to be in a MR. It is so hard, isn't it? I feel so ashamed and I beat myself up for feeling like I do. I know that I am blessed and I truly want to be the wife my H deserves. I have talked about his lack of motivation in working and other things, but I am just as guilty when it comes to this area of my life...waiting on "feelings" to motivate me when I should "just do it".

I can "just do it" when it comes to housework, etc., better than I can to showing affection to my own H. Isn't that terrible? That is why I won't even get Michelle's book on the sex assignments because I know I can't "just do it"....I've been there and tried it too many times before. Sorry, but when it comes to that intimate part....I do have to feel it or I freeze up and then my H knows I don't feel it and it causes more problems than not doing it at all. He wants me to "desire him" and to want to have sex. If you have any advice about that part...I'll sure listen.

Thanks again for responding so quickly. How have you been doing?

[sandi2]

Thanks GD, yes I do read a lot of the other forums. I have replied, even when I probably should have kept my mouth shut...lol. I realize my posts are long....I talk a lot...lol. In fact, I have spent too much time every night on the computer reading so many of the threads, etc. I know I should be spending more time with my H. I have said it many times that it has been my therapy to read this board and it keeps me from the temptation to contact the OM. I hesitate to even bring that subject up (the OM) because I know it is a painful subject with LBS. However, it is a daily struggle for me and until I can get past that point ....well, I can't pretend it isn't and that everything is rosey. I never discuss it with my H, of course, but you all, here, are my sounding boards and advice givers.

Thanks for taking time to talk to me. Good luck with your stitch.

[Not Much Left]

Hmmm
On the sex thing, I really have come to the conclusion it is so different for men, it is difficult for us to address women's point of view.

Any of the women out there, any thoughts?

But, I will say this, isnt the sex thing LAST on the agenda of "doing" things for him that bring about a good feeling THEN the intimate moments? That is what I think. SOrt of like when my W and I were together, if the day went well, she was always very receptive and vice versa. With me, sex is any time any place (sorry to be blunt!) no matter how the day is going and in fact if it is a bad day, even better!

Just a thought.

[sandi2]

Hey Lin.....thanks. Well I guess I was getting lonesome to hear from you all. Guess I sound like a "whinney butt". Deep down, I'm afraid somebody is going to tell me that and to tell me to shut-up and GAL! But, you that have always come to my rescue have never been anything but so sweet and more than understanding.

As I said, I'm having a hard time this week. As though nobody else does...huh? After I wrote that last post, I felt badly and so selfish. I hate these days that I am so depressed. I know people say to just "snap out of it" and to "count your blessings", etc., etc., etc.,.....I've heard it all. However, when it is more than just feeling the "blahs" or the "blues"....and it is true depression and you have taken medication for years and now trying to go without it....it gets pretty tough. We can have "down" days and then we can be "depressed".....and I am saying this...not to you, but to those who may read this and do not know....depression truly hurts everyone...just like the commerical on TV says. Some may think, "Well, why don't you take meds for it?".....I did for years and it did not help, so now I'm trying to deal without meds. I have to take a lot of other medication for the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. Have I said all this before? I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself.

Oh, here I go with another "long" post...lol. Well, maybe I just need to talk it out. It does help to deal.

[sandi2]

Hey CVA,

Okay, I think I lost ya somewhere along the way. I'm not sure what you mean by putting sex last on the agenda of doing things for H. In my case, it doesn't make the list at all since we have not been intimate in eleven years. Seems almost funny that I would even be worried about it now, doesn't it? But, when I suggested to him that IF we stayd together, it COULD possibly be without ever having sex again. Then.....he informs me that we will NOT live by the "buddy-buddy" system! (That was all in a previous thread....I think) I may have forgotten to put that in...can't remember. I just thought it was all ironic that we have not had sex in over a decade but when he finds out that there is OM in the picture, then he tells me all that. But, guess I'm getting away from our subject.

But, yeah, I agree that men and women are totally different in their feelings throughout the day with how receptive they are toward sex that night. Well, maybe I should just speak from my experience with my own and what I've heard other women say. I think it is just the differences in the gender, but I don't know. It's like if we W know the kids may hear us having sex....it makes us nervous and start shuting down, whereas most H can just ignore it...lol. I think our "mood swings" certainly affect us. Our physical condition....everything. You poor men, it's a wonder you ever get any sex!

[imLIN]

I don't think all W are that way...maybe more the ones that have some issues to begin with...I figured if my kids were intent on listening..OH WELL...they have to know we love each other so I just put a lock on our bedroom door and taught them NEVER to walk in...problem solved!

Sandi...I can tell you why your H probably mentioned he didnt' want to live by the "buddy-buddy" system...because he now KNOWS you are capable of sexual feelings and desires!...before he may have thought it was all dead and he didn't want to make you do something that you couldn't...but now with the EA/OM he knows better and feels that if you stay he should benefit from those feelings...and I agree...

BUT...that is way down on the list...as many have stated...you need to start actions that will lead to feelings...one step at a time...just sitting in the same room to start...there is no time limit...just progress...baby steps...the feelings will follow the actions just like they did with OM...you didn't just start up with him like it was when it ended...you both fed into it...you fanned the flames...and the fire grew...the fire wouldn't have grown if someone didn't fan...right???

I will check in later...gotta go to work!

Take care...Lin