NikkiB #18

[SDFoundGirl]

Nikki...

You've posted on a few of my threads, and I appreciate the feedback. I hope you will take what I'm about to say well.....

You and your H are locked in a power struggle. The more you push against him hanging out/talking to PW, the more he's going to cling to her. It sucks, but it's a simple law of physics. (Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.)

In the early days when I found out about LW, I pushed HARD against her. H clung to her like she was Jesus himself. When I let go...when I stopped pushing...when I detached and focused on ME, that's when he started to let go of her.

We went from, "She's a great person and a great friend and I won't give her up," to "I don't want to give up my M to maintain my friendship with her." It was HARD. BAD. I had to fight myself constantly.

As long as you are locked in a power struggle, you are giving away your power. Because really, he could comply overtly with everything you ask and still be sneaky and pining for her. He could go sleep with her or any other woman at any time. I'm not saying this to be hurtful, but to emphasize the need to love yourself, rely on yourself, and detach. You PREFER him to be in your life, you CHOOSE to love him, but if for whatever reason he left/you couldn't accept his behavior, you'd be just fine without him or any other man.

I'm not saying this is easy. I'm not all the way there yet myself. I still have days where I'm filled with anger for her...but then I choose to refocus my attention on all the good things I learned from this process. I choose to focus on what my H is doing right. I determine how I feel, I determine what I focus on, I decide to love myself first. If I focus on me and take care of me, only then can I do the rest.

Write a love letter to yourself. Outline all the amazing, strong, wonderful things about YOU. Keep it on you at all times, take it out and read it, especially when you're feeling disrespected and powerless.

And remind yourself that YOU CHOOSE. You have the power to leave any time. You have no control over H...frustrating, yes, but true.

Set your boundaries. I'd tell H, "I feel disrespected when you text or talk to PW around me. I'd prefer it if you'd do that elsewhere or at another time out of respect for me. I can't control what you do, but I would appreciate it if you'd respect my needs."

And then let it go. If H asks, "Is it okay if I text her back?" respond with, "I'd prefer it if you'd not mention PW to me or ask my permission. You choose your actions, you know how I feel, and you are responsible for what you choose to do."

Don't know if you read it, but at my last MC session I actually told H I felt lonely and second-rate because he didn't put the same energy into what I was asking for in the R that he did everything else, that I realized the pressures on him, etc., but that I'd stepped up and respected what he'd asked and worked my @ss off. I told him I realized this was either something he'd choose to do or not do, but that at some point if my needs weren't being met, I may have to make a different choice. We seem to be further along than you and your H, but this seemed to sink in to him. He's been all sorts of committed and showing me affection in the ways that I need since then. It's important to note that it wasn't about power or manipulation, just a genuine realization that I had regarding what I wanted from a R.

Good luck to you. Don't worry about him seeing the MC alone; any MC worth anything will take that information with a grain of salt. What if you choose to look at it as a positive? The fact that he's willing to go is HUGE. I credit MC along with DBing for the fairly quick turnaround of my M--6 months.

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Reach for the thought that gives you the better feeling. Don't create stories in your head. Let go and focus on YOU. Detaching is for life, not just for DBing. I love my H madly, but I'm detaching from his actions. It's not always about me....

SD