There and Back

[SallyM]

its so hard, isn't it? they do lay things out there. and omg, its so sad. I'm so sad.

so I've been doing some thinking and some journaling tonight. I think I need to move on to acceptance. I do. when I look at the concrete...at what he has shown me, not what he tells me, its all there in black and white. and I can DB till the cows come home, but I need to do it, at least the GAL part, without expecting results, like a saved marriage. I need to move on. there will always be that glimmer of hope for me. until things are final, there will. and, for now, I'm still resolved that he will be the one to file and tie it up in a neat little package. I'm not going to talk to him about D until he brings it up, but its time I started living like that is where we are headed...not faking it, not lying to myself, but really heading there.

on june 1st, my H devastated me by choosing something I had asked him not to. I told him he was gone, pick up his stuff, no more chances. I meant it. I wasn't really there yet, but understood I had to be there. my friend helped me compose the e-mail I sent him the next day...I meant every word. this is what I wrote (for the most part, some car seat/logistics stuff is edited out):

we're obviously in different places right now. I'm more resolved, but still, I'm a little nervous about you coming over tomorrow, so figured setting up some guidelines ahead of time would be good.

I need you to say hi and be civil to me, and i will be to you, on the days that you do come over to see/get the kids. I need you to not tell me about what you are doing in your life...I don't want to know. and I need you not to ask me about mine. we need to keep our conversation, if any, about the kids.
does this work for you? let me know.

I was ready to live this way, as hard as it was. and I really meant every word of it. at 1:30 am, the morning after sending it to him, he came in the door, woke me up, swept me in his arms and promised me the moon on a silver platter...anything so that it wasn't actually over between us.

well, I finally relented and opened my heart. and it was the wrong thing to do. it was. so here I sit, nearly 2 months later (wow, that was 2 months ago!) and I am all the worse for opening my heart. maybe if I had found db earlier, who knows. and who knows, maybe things can still work out. but what I know, for now, is that I need to do the things in this e-mail. I need to tell him not to ask about my life anymore, I need to keep what conversations we have about the kids. I need to learn to not ask/care about his life anymore.

its going to be hard. but I think I'm finally getting that this is the path I need to take. It hurts too much, the hope. I need to learn to accept the realities. my kids have...they said it tonight, "daddy doesn't live here anymore." I need to get that thru my thick skull. he doesn't. he's gone.