Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Nomopo]

Will, that is an excellent start. And, yes, I meant start. You need to go deeper, especially on the first paragraph. (BTW, that sounds EXACTLY like me and my W. Not kidding. I could have written that. I will get back with some more specific comments on your post later, but gotta get something doen at work.

Nomo

[Willing NJ H]

W and I had a talk today, good outcome for now. We decided to remain living together AS FRIENDS (better than nothing). She said that she wanted to recover the "excellant friendhsip" we had, and stated that it's jurting her deeply that she hurt me. She said that she wants nothing to do with our R, but wants to be able to be comfortable and be friends with me. She agreed to see a marriage counselow with me soon, because she liked that I told her (last night) that it would help us both be more understanding and accepting if we both try and things still don't work. I asked her if she wanted any ground rules to help prevent any further discomfort. She said that if we have a detailed conversation and she asks me to stop or zip it, she'd like me to stop talking because I used to over explain everything and had far too much to say about very simple topics. She agreed to explain her side when this happens, so we can both understand and get past the issue. She also told me that she would terminate all activity outside of us as far as EA and any similar situations. We both agreed that we will probably have to live together for financial reasons for a bit (no matter what we decide), and that we won't be able to develop a healthy friendship if one of us brings an OP into the situation.

One of the things that got me the most, is that she keeps thinking that I want to chase her. I told her that right now, I just want to heal myself and get both of us through this as friends because we will always have to raise our D. I told her that I want to take care of me, and that through counseling "I hope for us to learn to understand one another. I explained that I don't care what the outcome of our relationship is, as much as I would like us to truly know the who the other person is without the distorted images we've created over the years. I noted that I am simply keeping an open mind that we could learn that we are better as friends or that anything else could be possible. I said that i'm not leaning toward anything outcome, other than living past this without hurt feeling or resentment, whether we're together or not.

There was a bit more minor stuff to the convo, but in all it went great. She said that she felt much better. She has been worrying that she was hurting me, and couldn't get past it. She was keeping me at a distance, and refused to let my changes do any good. I can handle being friends for now, it gives me time. Time will help me show her the new me, and now I need to start searching hard for a therapist.

I was on here dbing all last night and this morning, and it helped me tremendously. After talking to her, and combining the two, I feel pretty good right now (talk about a roller coaster!) I went from tremendous pain and confusion (due to learning about W's EA), to being happier than i've been in weeks. I a going to try to keep it as positive as it is right now, and use this to help me build my confidence and to reinforce my efforts with DBing.

[Heimlich]

Hey, man, not perfect, but that's a damn good first step. Enjoy a little peace of mind tonight.

BD

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks Heim, I am completely confused and bewildered; but i'm not gonna question a damn thing! You and NOMO are 90% of the reason I recovered so quickly, THANKS!

[imLIN]

You sound like me...I tend to over analyze and I tend to talk to long for my H...he says I beat a dead horse when really I am just trying to clarify my statements so there are no misunederstandings....

I have finally had to come to the point that he might not understand me but if it isn't a life or death issue...or won't matter a week from now....then I MUST LET IT GO!

We also established the ground rule that if one wants to stop the conversation we will stop...but agree to talk at a later time when both feel more comfortable...sometimes we find we don't need to...sometimes one of us still needs to...

Your doing great!

Take care...Lin

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks Lin, that is exactly what I do. I'll have to try your way a bit and see how she likes it.

[Heimlich]

Willing/Lin,

I do the same thing. Can't. Shut. Up. However, once she finally TOLD me that bothered her, I've been able to stifle myself much more effectively.

It's just she would sit there and not respond, so I felt like I had to keep talking so that she understood. Would have been nice to get an, "I've got it. I can't respond now, but will later." before getting to where we are now. WAS, grrrrrrrrrrr.

BD

[dlt1]

Hi Willing,
Sounds like you have progress going. Baby steps man! I really believe that getting that friendship back will lead to more positives. Ask yourself why you like your W. Not why you love her so much as just why you like her. Build around those things for now. She has given you an opening, stick your foot in the door and hold it open. Your friendship, your love, your actions will just warm her heart.

[Nomopo]

Hi Will. You're doing great! Great Talk. Start by building that friendship.

Nomo

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks guys,

Heim, you hit the nail on the head. The conversation's you describe, are exactly what W and I had. She said that I talked her in circles so that she got confused and didn't care, just wanted me to stop talking. That's why I told her to stop me, and tell me she's got it, shut up, let's finish later, something.

Took D to my grnadmothers to visit today. Family in from Cali, was a nice day. Gotta go to bed, i'll post later.