Hmmmm. In terms of rolls he and I played, I was really okay with what he did and I did. He took care of outside things, I took care of inside things. Cool. I cooked inside, he cooked outside.
The nurturing came in more subtle forms. "What do you want to do this weekend?" And he would wait for me to come up with suggestions, plan the weekend, arrange a babysitter, etc. Slam. I hated that. He'd wait for me to show us a good time. He'd sit there like a dam bump on a log... LOOKING AT ME.
Everything in the R seemed to be controlled by me. It was like the man had no opinion about ANYTHING in his entire body. But if I did plan something... he'd complain that I hadn't thought of this, or hadn't thought of that...
If he wanted to have sex... he'd say to me... "so, are we going to have sex tonight?" Ewh. Yuck.
He'd wait for a hug from me... but never initiate one himself. He'd talk about his day, his work, his things.... at length.... but when it came to me and my day... cursory questions, no listening... he'd have something else to do.
Emotionally.... everything was about him. How was he feeling, how was he doing, what was he thinking, what was he facing... HE needed encouragement, support, a cheerleader, but never, ever thought that those same things would be appreciated the other way. He just, seriously, had no interest in ME. My thoughts, my feelings... beyond just cursory regard to get through a day.
When I was in that car accident in Houston... and I called him at 1 a.m. Houston time, 2 a.m. EST time... and told him that I was in the hospital, I was alive.... not to worry... his first response to me was.... "you're okay? Then why did you call me? You know how important my sleep is."
This is the nurturing of a mother to a child. If you notice... your children don't normally spend a great deal of time getting to know you, ask about you, etc. They love to tell you about what they are doing, they love for you to be present at their functions, consider what they are doing as the be all end all... but that is a typical flow on a one-way channel. They are kids... you know?
I didn't want to be married to a child. I want a man who is interested AND interesting. I want someone for me to be interested in, and for him to be interested BY me. He has his life. I have my life. We have OUR life. But we INTEREST each other. We respect one another for what we do to contribute to the whole... NOT what we think each OWES the other... or why be together kind of thing.
Ewh. Sick. Gross.
CeMar, you KNOW I stepped it up with sex. And still, THAT did not help us... because the emotional connection outside the bedroom, everything I just talked about... was absent.
He was just that self-absorbed.
That's fine. Doesn't make him a bad person... but it does make for an INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT marriage partner. Dam near impossible. Cobra is/was married to the female version of this...
Dunno. If this doesn't make sense to you, please ask... I doubt you will see yourself in this... my xH never did... but I will be happy to try further.
