Okay all, I still need help. I know it's so easy to say MOVE ON but there are just questions I have.
She came over late Saturday afternoon - she let herself in my house so I didn't have a choice to see her or not. Her attitude was mostly a front. She had a slight smile. Acted mostly like nothing was wrong and she was upbeat. She said that she would accept my 30 day relationship rebuilding idea of mine. When I didn't seem like that would work for me she switched to being defensive and seemed to be trying to provoke an argument. She told me she has no new apartment. She told me that she slept with this new guy for the first time when I turned off the phone on Thursday and it was "my fault". She said their entire friendship and her cheating was my fault.
First she said she wanted to keep the laptop and she would continue making payments on it. I said I just wanted it to be over so we went back and forth and she said she would give back the laptop.
Then she starts getting closer while we're talking and eventually tries hinting that she wants sex. It goes as far as her starting to remove my clothing and stuff when I stop it. She tries a little negotation saying "come on, lets just do it one last time..."
I give a louder no and physically pushed her away. That kinda stuff is hard because of course I still kinda sortof want physical things and occasionally now I wonder if I should even just try to salvage some type of physical only relationship as she seems to be suggesting and what would be the positives and negatives of doing so (I would guess the positives would be the sex and continuing to see her; the negatives would be some continue lying, mistrust, and confused feelings, plus maybe depending on the day continuing to see her; I don't know if it would be more positive or negative).
I say something to her about having wasted three years of our lives when she didn't really care about me that got her to stop her persuit totally and wipe her eyes a bit and act a little hurt. That was the only time I really saw her break her shell during the chat then she went back into trying-to-hurt-me mode. We just talked a little more but her answers just don't make sense to me. She once AGAIN brought up that this all would have been different and we would've been forever with marriage. Which just seems so strange to me because deep down inside I don't think she wants that from me anymore. I do think that she did long ago. Like someone said way earlier in this thread, maybe she is just using that at this point because she knows I wont persue it and it'll shut me up?
I said that I had even been considering it and would've tried to work something out and she just gave responses like "Whatever" and "I don't care" a lot. Whenever I would remind her that I think she'd been cheating for months, "I don't even care" or "whatever"... It was a lot different than the discovery of the first affair I mentioned a year ago. There was never an apology at all. There was no period in the end where I was begged to give her a second chance or take her back. She acted more mad at me the entire time and blaming me.
She says she'll give me back the laptop but she adds a twist that I have to give her back every gift shes ever purchased for me. I argued back a bit the difference between loans and gifts but she just said she wanted things back like clothes that shes bought me. She left and I didn't persue any. She stayed outside most of Saturday afternoon with a couple family members talking sortof making herself accessable to me (I think) but I stayed inside and didn't take any bait.
Sunday I didn't do anything to initiate any kind of contact with her. She initiated with me again, but this time I double-locked the door and I didn't answer it. (I actually didn't hear it at the time - I had my iPod on). When I came to the door later, the laptop printer was returned, and every stuffed animal that I'd ever given her was returned in a laundry basket, with a note requesting her dishes, my clothes that were gifts, and a porch swing that she bought me as a gift. I didn't go over there to argue about any of these things. I haven't replied back at all in any form. The fact that her phone is off is making this part easier.
Monday, she is once again at home but every single one of these days she is getting there late. (So shes spending time with the other guy in the morning; shes supposed to get home at 6am, she got there around 12:30pm). She hasn't initiated any contact with me yet, and neither have I. My mom has been spending a lot of time at my house today so that might be a reason.
I have heard her relative 60-70 miles away that shes claiming to go see say that shes been persuing the new guy pretty hot but hes mostly trying to keep her away because he is still living with his girlfriend and new baby. But they are still hooking up obviously.
1) Why does she still want to sleep with me if she is persuing another guy?
2) I know from watching enough court shows I don't have to give gifts back. Gifts are different than loans. Do I try explaining that to her which I guess just leads to more arguing or gives us something new to argue about? Or should I just give them back and ask for things I've given her back (jewelry, etc)? Can anyone think of any positives and negatives to such? It seems to me that would just prolong this breakup. Is that her real goal here for suggesting stuff like this? To keep some kind of dialogue going? I mean, it feels to me crazily, like as much as she wants to persue this other specific guy that we each keep avoiding some final GOODBYE. I tried to do this on the phone the other day and when I got it cutoff, and when I thought she had actually moved, I thought maybe we actually did it. But now I see we still have at least a conversation or two in front of us.
3) I'm a 31 year old guy that obviously doesn't want this large collection of stuffed animals she returned. She's a big fan of them so I'd get her at least a little something every month or so. There are dozens of all shapes and sizes. Do I return these and just tell her if she doesn't want them to give them to a charity or something? Or should I just give them to a charity myself? Or should I just hang on to them for now and continue doing nothing and wait for her to initiate again?
I sortof understand that she is beyond repair, that I am supposed to run, that she is even not fully interested in me, and persuing another guy now, but I'm still sortof interested in her. It's crazy I know.
She told me during that encounter with her on Saturday that I "should have felt lucky to spend 5 days a week with her instead of making this huge over the top issue about 2 days a week that she is gone" and that she has always "been a good girlfriend that would do anything for me". It's just so weird.
When I sarcastically asked her a month or so ago if she and this guy were such good friends why she didn't invite him to her church like she used to me, she answered "because you are my guy and he is just a friend". It was the total perfect answer to shut me up and make me feel reassured at the time. Have I moved to the just a friend column now in her mind?
Out of all of the people that I know, she just seemed so normal and good natured and thoughtful and nice and courteous. I had no doubt that she was being faithful for a large period of our relationship because as I said, for at least 18 or so months when she wasn't working she would be by my side almost constantly or calling or whatever. It doesn't even make sense from the side that I know of her for her to use those lines like the 5 day vs 2 day thing. It doesn't seem as if that is anything like the woman I know would even want. What is happening????
