Newbie ? How public was your spouse's affair?

[ediemarie]

Hi M -

I am so sorry that you have had to join us here. But if you look around and begin to read what is posted here, you will see that there is alot of love and help here.

My H's affair was very public. I found out through reading his email, but his affair with his coworker was known by everyone he worked with. He didn't think they knew, but he found out later that they all did. To make matters worse, we were both pretty involved at our church and everyone there also found out. Mostly because a lot of my family members attend there.

I know first-hand the humiliation you are speaking of. It's humiliation and the idea of failure and this idea that everyone has been standing at your open bedroom door for the duration of your marriage. I even dealt with feelings in which I imagined that people felt like I got what I deserved - not healthy thinking at all.

Please understand that your H's affair was his decision. He DECIDED to make the choices he did. You did not do anything to force it. A proper adult way of dealing with issues in any marriage is to deal with them head on. By running away and beginning a relationship with another person is in essence to run from the problems in your own marriage. That behavior is not acceptable and not a reflection on you. It is difficult to hold your head up high and walk into his place of work, but you can do it. You have done nothing wrong. He DECIDED to do this and you should not feel ashamed. I know that is much easier said than done and it is still something I struggle with from time to time, but it is the truth. You may not be able to walk into that place today, but you should work towards that. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. He did this, not you! If you can find your way to the place where you believe that, you will be well on your way to recovery. You must start with respecting yourself...

hugs