Some journaling (get your popcorn ready -- it's a long one),
On Friday afternoon I picked up by buddy after his flight in from Hawaii. We are best friends and wrestled together through junior high and high school (sometimes even in the same weight class). Early into him being here, we kicked around whether or not I'd be able to go with him to his brother's bachelor party raft trip that weekend. I had originally decided not to go because I had the kids (and I had told my W this), but we decided to call his sister (who lives where we would be going) to see if she would be able to watch the kids so I could go on the trip. She said she could, and we decided we'd head out early the next morning (Sat).
After dinner that night I took S5 to one of his friend's birthday parties for a few hours (D3 went too). It was a great time -- both kids had a blast and it was fun to watch them playing and interacting with so many kids. At one point a couple women commented that I've got "so much patience" in regard to my kids. I laughed and said I think it took about 28 years to acquire the patience for anything. It was nice to hear, and definitely helps to keep me motivated in continually exercising patience.
When we got back home, the my friend and his fiance that I usually hang out with were at the house with my buddy from Hawaii (the 3 of us guys all went to high school and wrestled together). We decided to play a couple games of croquet, and BS'd while doing so. We told them that we were both going on the raft trip, and that my kids would be staying with best friend's sister. We tried to convince our mutual friend to come too, but he declined (he knew that his fiance would be upset -- she's pretty possessive). So after the croquet games, friend and his fiance went home.
Best friend and I (and the kids) left early the next morning. I dropped off my kids with his sister, made plans for picking them up the next afternoon, and headed back to the meeting point for the raft trip. There were 10 of us total, and almost all of them were old friends I haven't seen for several years. It was like a wrestler/friend reunion for me (almost all of us wrestled in high school together). I was the last to arrive, so from there we all went into town (this is rural Idaho we're talking about!) to get some supplies (food, water, beer, etc).
Okay: the backslide.
As we roll into town, someone asks me if I had called my W. I said no, why would you ask? They then said that she had called the ranch (meeting point for the trip) asking for me and then wanted me to call her when I got there. Immediately my stomach starts to fold into itself. We're in a river canyon so there is no cellphone service, and I'm forced to call her from a payphone. I get a few dollars in quarters and call. She is not happy with me at all. Here is more or less the conversation.
Me: "Hey, I'm in Riggins at a payphone and just now found out you called. W: (very irritated but not yelling) "Yeah...I was maybe going to pick up the kids tonight after work, but found out from [friend and his fiance] that you had taken them up north with you and are going on the raft trip afterall. So instead of talking to me about whether or not I wanted them you took them and dropped them off with someone they don't even know." Me: (pause, then w/ sincerity) "I'm sorry. I thought that when we had talked and decided on you picking them up after work on Sunday like you usually do. I know you were considering Saturday night at first, but thought you had changed your mind." W: "I said I wasn't sure yet. We never agreed on Sunday for sure." Me: "Okay, I guess I misunderstood you. I honestly could've swore that was the decision we had come to. I'm really sorry." W: "You should've called me anyway. What if something had happened and I needed to get a hold of you and didn't know where you were? Plus, they're staying with someone that they don't even know. My first reaction was to drive up there and get them (a 4-5 hr drive). I can't even tell you how pissed off I am right now." Me: (still calm and sincere) "You're right, I should've called you. You're absolutely right. I understand where you're coming from and I really am sorry. I just figured that if I was going to be back home by the time you would be picking them up on Sunday it wouldn't be a problem, but now I see how thinking this way was wrong. I just felt bad trying to ask you to find a way to keep them -- since you were working -- so I could go rafting, when I was also going to be gone for the next two weekends too. W: I could've figured something out. [Fiance and my friend] could've watched them, my dad and sisters could've watched them... Me: I know, I should've talked to you first. I was wrong, I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry -- I really am. The kids are okay though. They aren't just staying with some random person -- You know I would never do that. They're staying with [BF's sister], who is completely responsible. She's got 3 kids of her own, doesn't drink or party, etc. They're in really good hands." W: I know who she is. I've met her before and I'm sure the kids are fine. (beginning to cry) It just doesn't change the fact that you had no consideration for me and what I might want to do." Me: "I understand, and I'm sorry that I didn't consider how it would affect you. I should've but I didn't, and I'm really sorry (getting cut off by the payphone telling me to deposit more money, which I do) -- hello, are you there?" W: (still slightly crying) "Yeah...what happened?" Me: "Okay, I had to put in more money because I was about to be cutoff. Sorry." W: "Oh. So when are you planning on being back?" Me: "Around the time you usually come get them on Sunday. Around 7:00 p.m." W: (not crying anymore) "Okay, so I guess I'll see you then." Me: "Okay -- I really am sorry for this." W: "Uh-huh." Me: "Bye." W: "Bye."
Obviously I made a poor choice by not letting her know what my plans were with the kids this weekend so she could put in her 2 cents. I'm 99% sure we really did decide on Sunday for her to pick up the kids though. I think she was using it as an excuse, but she also may have really believed that the decision was still up in the air. Throughout the conversation, I stayed calm and sincere and never once strayed from this. In the past, when W would get upset with me, I would get defensive and even more angry than her, and someone turn things around on her. This was my first real opportunity (not that I was happy to have it) to show my W my 180 and ability to accept responsibility for my mistake and empathy for her feelings. I validated and empathized, and I think my doing this was part of what caused her to begin crying a little (I'm still trying to figure out what caused her to cry) because it helped to dissolve her anger toward me. I know that I did try to explain myself a little, which may not have been a good idea, but it didn't seem to hurt me and I think this is because I still agreed with her that I should've talked to her before making any decisions about the trip.
Resuming trip:
So, after that phone convo I continued on with my weekend. We had an awesome time! Drove up the river a ways, put in, and rafted 4 hrs the first day. Camped out on the beach that night, but drove into town to party for a while (it was "Hot Summer Nights" weekend in town, so lots of action). We all caught up on each other's lives, reminisced on old times, and just really enjoyed ourselves! We got up the next morning (Sunday), ate, and put back in. We rafted for 6 hrs, and when we took out where we left the "pick up" vehicle, someone realized that they had left the keys with his stuff way up the canyon at the initial put in spot. This caused some of us to have to hitch hike to get a ride back up. This took a while, but thankfully someone was able to get a ride. By the time we had gotten all of the vehicles back together and the rafts loaded up on the trailer, we had lost about 2 hrs. This meant that I was going to be late getting home, and wasn't going to get back in time for my W to pick up the kids. Sh!t!!!
We got back to the ranch, and I called W to let her know what had happened. Again, she was not very happy with me, and I apologized for this and again for not calling her in the first place. She said, "Well it happened and there's nothing we can do about it now." I said, "I know, but I still feel bad." She said (with obvious irritation), "It's all right." I replied by saying, "No it's not. I appreciate you saying so but it's not all right." We then decided that she would get the kids Monday after work and that she would call me about the rest of the week's schedule after she thought about what would work best for her.
Looks like I screwed up twice.
I then picked up the kids from my BF's sister and headed back home. Didn't get home until about 9:30 last night and was dead tired. I'm now afraid that my screw ups have ticked off my W enough that any chance of postponing the D with my talk have been squashed.
Going dancing tonight, so won't be on the boards this evening (unless really late), but if you'd like to give me your ideas on my backslides and how they might affect my upcoming talk with W to halt the D, it would be greatly appreciated.
