My ride on the Roller Coaster called WAW Hell

[Nomopo]

Steel, I skimmed your thread so sorry if I missed some stuff. Here are some comments (some are based on earlier posts, so sorry if they are dated):

One of her memorable comments during this conversation was "It's not every time I go out of town!" OH YEA, that makes it sooo much better.

This made me laugh. Been there.

As I explained to a friend, I have managed to take a small piece of what is left of my love for her and lock it up in a steel box so that I will have something left for her to try and work with if she ever comes around and realizes what she is throwing away.

I love it!

I stand in the very precarious position of being the one who filed for divorce but very much not wanting to end up there. I have reconciled myself to the fact that it may very well be where I wind up and I am prepared to go there if she doesn’t come around, although I would much prefer to get through this with my family intact.

Where does this stand? Can you unfile? In some states, you can't do it later (talk to Gone Dancin') without W's agreement, so beware. I saw you mentioned Houston, so maybe Texas. Next time you're here, look me and CVA and ItsKat up.

At that point she asks if I would be willing to go to MC with her when she gets back in town. - I am still reeling, she has not been interested at all up to this point. She explained that while she has been gone she has realized that I am still the one that she wants to talk to, and that "even through all this I have remained her best friend". Of course I am happy but wary all the same. I managed to (I hope) remain calm and detached and said that yes I would be willing to go, and maybe we could get back to where we really were friends.

HUGE Development. What's the latest? Sounds like your current C is good, but be sure. It can make a huge difference. And you should both go. It's couples therapy. The C can see each of you individually at times, as appropriate, but you guys need to see progress quickly to feel better about things. Period.

I want to have a real R & M with her, and I know that trust is part of that, but right now there is NONE. I'm not interested in wasting my time or money if she is still involved with OM. This seems to be a very quick change of heart and I question her motives (did he dump her and she wants to fall back into her old life?). Obviously I don't want to flat out tell her this, so how do I get some sort of check on the truth. I don't want to seem too callous, but I sat there and listened to bold face lies that I knew for a fact were not true. She did it so well that, in a detached bizarre sort of way, I was impressed with how easy it seemed to be for her. The problem is that now I obviously question everything she says or does. I need to protect me first.

No, actually you don't. You put your needs on the back burner for a little while (including your need for trust), and realize that those things will get dealt with in time. Same with letting the A run its course. If she is not completely honest and forthcoming in C, give it time. She's probably humiliated (and rightly so). Don't draw lines in the sand. Don't play the blame game. Don't try to be the righteous one. Focus only on what advances the two of your towards your goal of saving your M and building a great R.

so at the session she needs to be willing to answer any and all questions I have. I also question whether to tell her that if she doesn't answer truthfully then I'm done, and she has no idea what I know. I don't even know what those questions are yet but I feel that if she is willing to agree to stand in front of the fire then she is probably committed to trying to work on the M.

If you need your questions answered, fine. BUT DON'T RUSH IT! Just tell yourself that before you guys are fully healed, that will have to happen. Don't make it a pre-condition. Why does it have to be first? And is that reason more important that saving your Family and building a GREAT R?

I want honest answers to questions and honesty at the sessions or they are a waste of time and money. So, what I meant by "I'm done" is that if she lies to me or the counselor I'm done with the counseling session.

Not necessarily 100% true. Trust the C. He's the expert (supposdly), not you. In time. Be patient. Hopefully she will be honest, but by drawing lines in the sand you may kill a really good chance to get what you really want. Don't be so rigid. Be flexible, and patient. Did I say that already? All that really matters is your ultimate goal. Not these little goals or ideas of how it has to happen. Exorcise your solutions blockers. Start with a Beginner's mind.

I see no point in going if it is not an honest attempt, and until it is I won't be played for a sucker again.

I think I see now. It's your pride that is more important that saving your M/Family.

I don't have a problem going to C. I just don't know how to reassure myself that I can believe anything she says.

Look, my W has definitely lied in C. She's not under oath. But we're still making progress. Why would I throw that away just because she isn't comfortable "confessing all her sins" yet (so to speak)?

Have you been 100% honest with your W? Does she know about your posts here? Has your mind or eye ever wandered? Have you told her that? I, fro example, have confided in a friend at work, and my W doesn't know it, and would be upset so I don't plan to tell her (ever). When she told a friend, I got upset. I was being hypocritical.

She jokingly said that we could spend alot less and possibly get as much or more benefit having a margarita with a friend who is a psychologist.

I know you know this, but a good C is worth so much more. You need one trained in couples therapy. You can find an IMAGO therapist through a locator at http://www.imagotherapy.com. Mine is great, and she also trained with Michele on DB/DR and SBT.

Right about the time that I was going to let go and help unpack the truck, she squeezed tighter and just held on for another minute. WOW I forgot how good that felt.

that was the first time she has initiated sex in about 1 1/2 years. Double WOW.

Understatement.

She explained that she was looking into options to possibly quit her traveling job and find something here that would allow her to be at home with the kids and work on the M. She would have to continue with current job through end of year but would like to have something else after that.(ok WOW doesn't cover it)

Frankly, I am incredibly jealous (but really happy for you).

She agreed and said that she knows we have some big trust issues. (you THINK?)

I told you you could deal with trust later (and maybe sooner). I doubt she'll lie to you, and if she does probably because she is afraid, not trying to deceive you.

Well I know I'm not supposed to believe anything they say and less than 50% of what they do, but this seemed very honest and genuine.[/quote]

This rule applies to the negatives, the alien talk. But do be prepared for pull backs.

Occaisionally she reached over and held my hand, at one point she adjusted her seating and leaned against me and put her head on my shoulder for a period. (WHO is this woman! I'm starting to like her, I hope she stays )

Ok, this is not fair. The rest of us deserve some of this great stuff.

Ok, on the ups and downs and pull back stuff rom the day together, like the shower/towel incident, and this:

Saturday night both kids were going to sleep at friends houses. When W originally told me about this I thought she seemed disappointed when I reminded her that I had to work that night. (helping out a friend who owns a bar) So, I asked if she was originally planning on trying to do something together when she set up the kids away. She said no she wasn't tryig to set up anything "romantic". I have to admit I was disappointed, shouldn't have asked.

Do you know about the castle picnic analogy? Don't follow her when she retreats back to the castle and knock on the door. Just stay at your fun picnic. She'll be back.

The good note out of this is that one of our friends who has been around through all of this pulled me to the side. She informed me that W is really getting "excited" (her words) about us again. I have to admit it was nice to hear, although my response was that "it is really difficult to tell".

Great stuff, but I wish you hadn't made the comment back. No biggie, but don't dampen her enthusiasm, even if you want to stay calm.

Friend is also a LBS (which is interesting since she and W have become friends despite being on opposite sides of the fence) so she reminded me of how far of a journey it is for W to get to where she is from where she was.

Excellent advice!

so that we can talk about them like we did with the "towel incident" since that seemed to work really well. (I really don't know what to say!)

Great stuff. She is looking for solutions. Do you keep a solutions journal? You should. And she'd be impressed.

Later at another store she hugged me and said "You know... I do still Love you". I was caught off guard enough that I had no response. I just leaned over and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead while still hugging her. Maybe bad, maybe good but it was the honest response.

You lucky dog.

Wow! You're doing great. When does MC start?
Nomo