NikkiB #18

[NikB]

ST and SD - hi, thanks!!

ST
You are absolutely right that I need to detach. I am really afraid that if/when I do, I won't come back, though. I kinda remember this fear from before, but it seems different now. Maybe it always seems different in the middle of it though. The house-sitting fell through which really bummed me out. I was thinking of posting something on craigslist offering to house-sit and see what happens... could be a good "free" vacation.

You make a good point about not wanting to hurt anyone in the "breakup." I guess I care so little about her, I want him to not care, either... but doesn't work that way. (damn it, if he was a womanizing jerk this would be easy for him right? me too though, wouldn't love him..). Anyway..just some ramblings.

Had a decent day, my dad's BD is tomorrow so I made his traditional birthday pie, and got his gift. Also drove around for a bit just for fun. (and, almost like I was on auto-pilot actually drove around some apartment complexes.... it was WEIRD, didn't feel like "me" doing it but obviously it was). Tonight H and I polished/waxed my car, which was pretty fun (it was part of our original plans this weekend, that's why I had it washed yesterday). It looks so good!! And since I'm pretty sure he "gives" in acts of service, that meant a lot to me, too.

SD
Thanks. I am trying hard to refocus on me, but need to work harder. It's like I focus on "me" and realize how disrespectful this treatment is, get focused on H being disrespectful, and it spirals the wrong way.

GALing is pretty good I think. I've gone out with friends a few times, keeping up with nails done, pretty flowers on the table just for me... and keeping up with my IC, goals just for me, etc. Although Friday I was kinda mad, I cancelled my plans at H's request and then it turned out all messed up... probably need to keep those plans more often even if they do "interfere" I guess.

My goals... I need to really think about them again, they have changed a LOT I think. They used to be closer to "Happy M with H" and now they are closer to respecting myself, feeling valued, etc... so yeah, I do need to rethink how each action works too.

Thanks again SD. I need to catch up on you!!

------------------
Some journaling...

Would you guys believe this? Halfway through this afternoon I thought "Well, one 180 would be inviting PW and her BF over for dinner." I actually considered it. I wanted to see 1. if he exists and 2. if the dynamic between her and H really has changed.

Again..weird. Like driving through apartments in a daze but considering if I'd want to live there. I wanted to knock on my head and say "HEY! Can I have my brain back, please???" Felt like an alien myself today, I guess.

Sorry to sound kinda down, it was actually a pretty decent day overall, just a really, really weird one.

Look forward to a normal day sometime soon.

Tomorrow won't be it... dad's BD and stepmom (WAS) BD gift to him is cooking him dinner and swimming together at home. Yikes... hope it goes OK though.

[kml]

Would you guys believe this? Halfway through this afternoon I thought "Well, one 180 would be inviting PW and her BF over for dinner." I actually considered it. I wanted to see 1. if he exists and 2. if the dynamic between her and H really has changed.

Oh, HECK no!!!!!!Are you kidding?????
Look, I don't care if she's undergone some miraculous transformation and become Mother Teresa. The issue here is your H putting his "friendship" with her ahead of your marriage. Period.

Ellie

[NikB]

Thanks Ellie. I should have followed that up with the fact that the logical side of my brain kicked in and responded with what you just said - "HECK NO." It was just one among many crazy thoughts that went through my head yesterday. I definitely recognize what the real issue is when I'm thinking normally (or even close to it).

[indybyathread]

Good job we still have that logical side to save us from the emotional sometimes. I had to laugh at this because I have actually considered doing the same. I have thought of asking H to invite his EA and her husband and kids over for a cook out. We got together with them a few times as families back before the bomb dropped. My brain took over, thank goodness!

[Reincarnated]

That is a 180, alright. I thought keeping friends close and enemies closer was a good idea, too...but that bit me in the a$$. Be careful.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

ya, I can totally understand why you would want to try it (invite OW&BF over), but what you would learn, would definitely not be worth the consequences you'd pay from doing it.

I know you don't want to detach because you think you might not want him back. I had the same feelings. But how can we not have those feelings? We've practically lost ourselves before the bomb so it's like we were oblivious to our own needs or desires so when the bomb happens it wakes us up to what WE want and when our WAS has been so aweful to us, it makes us feel like "why would I want HIM back?" But really know that if you guys get thru this...or I should say WHEN...things will be better. this whole thing is a learning experience and your R will be better for it...better than it was before. And you've got to know that if you tried to start all over again with someone new, well, more than likely they have not been thru this learning experience and problems could happen and you could be going thru a sitch all over again.

I know that you love your H, you wouldn't be in such turmoil over the hurt he is giving you. You wouldn't have done all that you have, if you didn't truely love him. It's okay to have feelings that you don't want to be together. For goodness sakes, he's not treating you how he should right now, so of course your going to have thoughts of doubt. Now let's say the whole sitch was over, he wanted you forever and the OW was out of the picture. You guys are committing to the R in a way you hadn't been before. Would you still want him as your H? I'm thinking yes. But just realize that everyone who is M, doesn't want to be M to their spouse every minute of their lives.

praying for a great week for you! Give your dad some good wishes for his bday, and I hope he doesn't go overboard with the mushiness/neediness to your stepmom. You have a good time too

[*KS*Chick*]

popping in - I used to be UA....

I can't believe he's still talking to her. Period.

Hope you have a better day Nikki!

[NikB]

Thanks so much for posting.

Indy
Funny (and yes NOT funny, of course) that you had that happen too. Same thing happened with us except we don't have kids - but yeah, her and her H and kids over swimming and to BBQ. Actually H backed way off from her last spring/early summer and I saw how upset it made him so I (stupidly!) said "Well maybe I could try to be friends with her again.." he was thrilled, of course, and suddenly she was around ALL the time. And well, we all know where that went.

I'm not actually dumb enough to make that mistake again, but crazy that it even crossed my mind huh?

Donna
Oh I know... I remember giving you the same advice when the car show thing came up.

I have a really, really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach lately about this whole thing, but I still hope I'm wrong.

ST
As always right on - thanks for the advice and perspective.

I was just looking back at the calendar, my posts, and my mindset and I realized something, I'm mentally just about where I was last summer at this time. Angry, confused, hurt, pissed off at H and confronting him (rather than calmly discussing) way too often. I have backslid sooo much both in regards to H and especially in regards to taking care of myself, and need to snap out of it.

I completely agree - right now, if I were to start clean with someone new, I KNOW I would make all the same mistakes. I haven't learned HOW to be in an open, honest, direct, authentic R/M yet, and I still completely don't get the boundaries thing. Doesn't mean I know how to fix it yet, but I know that those are huge issues for me. So, back to focusing on fixing me, instead of focusing on being angry or hurt or scared or whatever else.

Thanks for the good wishes for my Dad, I'll definitely pass them on. Hopefully it'll be fun. I thought it was really touching that my stepmom offered to cook for him, hope he can just enjoy it.

A good positive too, H actually wants to go. I remember a number of times last year he was making all these off the wall excuses to skip out on family events. I got really mad about it a few times and basically "demanded" that he go to my dad's BD last year. This time I told him it was coming up, said he was invited if he'd like to come, but said (and meant it) that it was fine if he didn't want to go too. He's brought it up several times that he wanted to go, confirming the time, etc. So I'm happy for that.

I just heard from the MC and she had to push our appt back to Thursday. Uuugh. I was already really anxious about it being tomorrow and now have to wait 2 more days. Hopefully I can get my head back into a good place by then though. The anxiety is really overwhelming again today.

Also - any thoughts on if it makes sense to just let H go by himself? I ask again because we talked about it over the weekend - a very direct, clear conversation for a change, and we had agreed to both go to the first session. I called H just now to make sure Thurs would work for him and he said again "I'm just going by myself, right?" Since he seems to be SO insistent on going by himself I'm leaning towards agreeing to that. Any major reasons NOT to do this that anyone can think of? I would like us to go together at some point, but I'm ok with him talking through some things on his own first if that's what he wants to do. Thoughts??

Thanks again all.

[NikB]

KS/UA - hi!! Thanks for posting. Lots of anxiety today but hoping to shake it soon... working on that now.

I need to catch up on you!

[NikB]

Just so this doesn't get buried... was hoping for some feedback on this part of my last post:

About the MC - any thoughts on if it makes sense to just let H go by himself? I ask again because we talked about it over the weekend - a very direct, clear conversation for a change, and we had agreed to both go to the first session. I called H just now to make sure Thurs would work for him and he said again "I'm just going by myself, right?" Since he seems to be SO insistent on going by himself I'm leaning towards agreeing to that. Any major reasons NOT to do this that anyone can think of? I would like us to go together at some point, but I'm ok with him talking through some things on his own first if that's what he wants to do. Thoughts??