Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Nomopo]

Thanks guys, reading your posts this morning I was bawling my eyes out, but your words actually relieved a lot of the pain! After reading NOMO and Heim, I actually felt a slight sense of calm and was just upset, no pain. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

You're welcome, and we're glad it helped! (H, ok if I speak for you on that one? ) Will, the pain wil come and go. It's the rollercoaster. But you actually can control the rollercoaster. You own it. It takes a while, but you can make this much better for yourself. You have to work hard to manage your emotions and those wild thoughts.

I know this will change day to day, but every step forward is welcome in my book.

It's all about moving forward. And you are.

Something is telling me that if I have details, not of sex acts, but of when, where and how far the OM R went, I can heal that sitch better in my mind.

I don't know. I've thought the same thing. But for me, I'm not going to get those details unless and until she is re-invested in saving the M.

but I don't know if she told me the truth about it. Unfortunately, i'm like a human lie detector, and when my gut's off I am generally right.

Assume she is lying. Now what's your next best step? What gets you to your goals. Not confronting her. Moving on and focusing on what you control is your next best move, even if your worst fears are true.

it has me thinking there was more. Again, I know I have to assume the worst and get over it, but venting that to you guys just now helped me let go of a bit more pain.

Oh, you got it. Vent away my friend.

I feel that talking to someone who truly knows and understands lifts the sorrow. Saying exactly what i'm thinking gets it out so I can let it go.

Amen and amen.

What I meant by time, is I have to work daily. If it creeps into my head for even a second, I may get myself or one of the other guys killed. I am very active, and generally very tactical. (Probably going to our proactive gang unit and SWAT team in a year or so if that gives a better idea.) This has already cost me going to a class that would help me with a sergeants exam later this year.

Ok, step up and do the best you can at work. By the way, taking care of business (GALing in a way) will likely help your sitch.

She easily cuts all emotion, and thinks it's totally over. She's never wanted this, never felt right about me, married me because i'd be a good dad and H, and thought it would be enought (according to her.)

That's the alien talking right now. Try hard to ignore it and not let it get you down. You need your PMA.

To clarify, I know this is something to worry about in the future and not right now, but I feel I have to find a way to start planning in case it happens.

Planning is fine.

My main concern with this, is I would love to talk to someone! No one knows DB or DR, they don't understand that this is possible. The people who do know, are looking at W as being immature and selfish. I need the support, but don't want to justify why I am trying, I don't want to try to explain DBing to them, etc. I told my brother-in-law (my sisters H) about the OM and pic, as he's the only rational person right now. He said I should cut my losses and get out. When I told him a bit about DB, and that I want to get out because of the pain but it's not what I really want for me and not what's best for D, he agreed and said to follow my heart. He told me to do whatever I need to do to get throught this, and to feel I've done everything possible. He's a good guy, and ok to talk to, but generally he'll just agree with me unless he thinks I needs a kick in the ass to snap me out of something. If I rely on the people I want to, they will probably dislike W and tell me to get out as the don't know DB.

If your have someone realy close, maybe your BIL, he can pick it up just from talking to you. Maybe he'll even read the book to support you. Just a thought. Also, give it time and eventually you may meet someone on here close to your home. I've met several people face to face. It is nice. And you can always join us on one of our DB events!

Believe it or not, I don't know you guys at all and trust you without a problem. I read your posts all of the time, just don't always reply if I don't think I have something valuable to say. I don't trust many people (don't even like most people), but you guys are a big exception. I feel like we are similar, and like you are genuine. Thanks for all the help!

I believe it, and right back at you!

I have this covered as of last night, I not only believe that this might be over, but believe that it is over.

Instead of over, try likely over. I use to say I have a 5-10% chance of saving my M. Don't say "no chance." You need hope. We all do.

I never even knew we had a problem and my W never talked to me about her wants, needs or problems.

How much do you really understand what got you into this mess. About your role in it, I mean? Do you understand W's positions? Why she pulled away? You need to get to that point for this R or your next. The learnig experience is powerful.

GAL is hard right now. If she's not working when i'm off, shes not always home or available either. I can't get back into the shape that I want to (and thay makes me feel attractive), because I always have D by myself or have to work. I love my time with D, and she isn't old enogh to be around while I work-out. I have no one to babysit briefly, because the available people watch her while we're working. (I have the same problem with going out.)

Keep looking for solutions.

Onward and upward,
Nomo