coping with abstinence???

[jackw]

yes they are and that is the way it has been for 15 months. She wants out, but she doesn't want me out of her life.

[StupidRomeo2]

It is this way 90% of the time since the day she left (June 06) but none of it brings her a step closer to me...

Now why does that sound so familiar to me? wait, my STBXW has been doing the exact same thing since the day she left.

When I pull back hard and not talk to her for several days I always get an email with our D's name in the subject but mostly its her trying to do small talk. On the other hand she's adamant that I f'd up and there's no way in heck she's every coming back to me. I just don't get it.

[StupidRomeo2]

Lucky you Jack! I don't even know where to meet women. I go to the gym most are younger or just not my type. I get the looks when I'm driving but then as soon as they see the child seat in the back they probably think I'm a sleaze ball womanizer, sigh.

[SallyM]

hey, some of us with childseats are looking, too, you know! or might be in the not so distant future. yeah, I know my mom mobile isn't the sexiest around, but don't write all us moms off because of it.

I don't meet guys at the gym, either. well, I take that back, I do, but they are just friend potentials. of course, I mostly go to the gym when the kids room is open, so most guys are working.

jack, I'm sorry to hear about the filing. isn't there a waiting period in MA? when I talked to a lawyer, divorce has to wait 6 months and a typical one is more like 14 months long...at least that's how I remember our conversation going (don't have my notes in front of me, and its been a few months since our conversation). so maybe there is still hope? I don't mean to prolong the agony for you, but thinking maybe? just maybe?

[imLIN]

jackw...sounds all to familiar except that my H didn't get upset when I began talking to an OM...he just asked his religion and whether he was a good man or not...like I would go out with a jerk.....

it didn't seem to phase him in the least...and this was after he had been gone for well over a year and D had been filed for the second time...

He told me he would have gone through with it all and been my friend for life because he didn't feel he deserved forgiveness and that he didn't deserve to interfere with my happiness and moving on...

BUT...*notice that is a big BUT*...when I delayed the divorce...quit with OM...and just let things be with myself because I realized that I wasn't really really ready to move on...it was few months and he moved back to town....and few months more and we started "dating"...the rest is now history...

So you W might be thinking she has really lost you...she made her attempt to get rid of the OW by telling her that you still loved your W...maybe if you stopped seeing anyone...gave it time...she might...but that really is up to you...for me it was worth it...maybe for you it isn't...

I also know many are afraid that their returning S won't change like they want...and initially it does seem very one-sided...but in all of this...with my changes...it has effected changes in H...and we are doing VERY well...it has been nearly 3 post bomb...2 1/2 years post PA...so I think we are fully on track now...but it took time...and being a lone...

Hope this gives a little insight that maybe you didn't have...take it for what it is worth to you...

[SallyM]

imLIN, glad you have found your path. funny, H is chomping at the bit for me to find someone. at least he has told me that in the past. feels it would either relieve his guilt about the affair, or else lessen his guilt in leaving. its a kick in the gut for me, that my H wouldn't mind me with another man.

[jackw]

imLIN,

Wow, you have given me a lot to think about. I did break things off with the OW and was hoping it would lead to something.

I guess I need to realize that it might not be overnight.

Morgan - sorry to hijack your thread. You H might say that, my W always did, but when it happened she went crazy. you could drop some subtle hints and give him reasons to question what is up...

[SallyM]

I don't know, jack, I think he really wouldn't care. the only thing I came close to was back in april when I told him I had talked to my ex boyfriend (an old college one who was very, very special to me). he did NOT enjoy that. which was fun, but honestly I'm so not a game player that I would only say it if it was true.

[jackw]

I didn’t say to lie or make something up, but you can me mysterious. Up to you, we all have to make our own choices as only we know our sitch.

[SallyM]

gotcha. yeah, unfortunately I'm not very good at mystery...its hard for me, when asked something directly, to not be fairly specific. something I need to work on.

its funny, when he was asking to switch up visitation last week, I asked what was up (just curious, knee jerk) and he said he was golfing with someone. no more than that. but if I did the same thing, he would ask, "who?" If I evaded and said a friend or whatever, he would push. the only reason I didn't ask, is because I didn't want the answer.

so how do I become a woman of mystery? (serious here). I've gotten better about not letting him goad me into telling him about my IC sessions. Now I need to figure out how to be that woman of mystery.