Trudging up hill

[ediemarie]

Phew - what a crazy Saturday night and Sunday! I'll tell you all about that in a minute...

Delia - thank you thank you for stopping by! Great suggestions for an on-the couch kinda evening! And thank you for taking the time to stop by to offer suggestions for GALing. I'm definitely in a better place today and would love to hear what you have to say - when you get a chance, if you want. thanks!

H - you are right! He was just trying to get his head on straight and I think his little escapade worked - for the time being.

LS - LOL - THat made me smile.

Here's what happened:
Saturday night around 9 pm H walks in the door. Let me set the stage for you so you get the full picture. I'm sitting on the couch, laptop on reading some posts here, METS game on the TV (I NEVER have the game on when he's not around, but I was missing him, so the game was on) I'm wearing huge oversized sweats, my hair in a crazy ponytail, glasses on (i always wear contacts) and I'm eating a bag of cheetos - orange fingers included...what a sight! So he walks in and our conversation went like this:

H: hello
M: hello
H: did you get my message
M: no. (and I really didn't - he left it on my cell phone, not the home phone)
H: I had car trouble
M: silence
H: I had to take a cab back from X (20 miles from our house) and left the car there at a service station
M: silence
H: I was trying to go to X (4 hours from our home) to talk to Y (one of the people I had recommended he talk to, to gain a perspective) about what's going on with me and the car broke down on the way. I had it serviced and decided I should just come home. But before I could make it here, it broke down again.
M: silence. H walked away and went into the bedroom.

I know - it was a bad exchange on my part. I wanted to be nice. I wanted to say kind things. I just could not bring myself to do it. I was so upset and his arrival at home was so unexpected. I wasn't prepared to be affirming.

H goes to bed. A little while later I do too, in the same bed. You could probably have fit 3 additional people right inbetween us in our bed - we were both staying close to our edges.

Sunday:
I get up, H gets up. I get ready for church. I ask H if he wants to come. H says he's thinking about it. (Translates to, I want to and now that you asked I know it's ok to come with you)
No other conversation takes place until after church

On the way home:
H: I got your message the other night.
M: silence
H: I was on the way to see Y because I thought he would be able to help me.
M: silence
H: Would you like to get some lunch?
M: I don't have money for lunch and I'm not really hungry. (I don't know why I wasn't able to say yes. I just wasn't - i gotta work on that...PRIDE is bad!)
H: oh. ok. I know I took a lot of money out of the account the other night. I have money for lunch. And I'm going to put the money back.
M: Silence

The rest of the conversation from there is a little fuzzy - by then we were home and an argument ensued in the kitchen in which this is the jist:
- H feels as though he cannot be honest with his emotions/feelings with me because I always "blow up" or get mad at what his feelings/emotions are. (well when H's feeling is to leave, what response am I supposed to have?)
- H does not feel that we need full blown MC because we don't really have any issues - but he does think we need help with communicating (ya, think?)
- I suggested that perhaps I need counseling alone to learn better communication techniques - clearly what I am accustomed to is not working and I really don't like it. My family is a family of volatile communicators and I don't like that. I have gotten a lot better in the last 2 years of our marriage but clearly have a ways to go. I would love to learn to communicate better - i think it would help me in all aspects of my life.
- For H to admit that we have a communication issue is huge! I suggested that we go to Retrouvaille (someone on some post here mentioned it - and I checked it out - it looks good to me)
- H spent some of the afternoon reading info on the Marriage Builders site - that is something he has NEVER done.
- H said again that he cannot go back to work in the fall at the school because OW is there
- H is still confused about his feelings for OW. I guess he still thinks of her a lot but he says he has not contacted her. He knows what he did (EA/PA)is inexcusable and he doesn't want to do that again. But he's struggling with the feelings he has for her.

What I learned about me:
- I have some huge pride issues
- I need to find a way to be affirming and loving and kind even when I don't feel like it
- I need to provide an enviornment in which H feels comfortable to share things with me. I know I'm capable of doing this, because I have had success with it. I just need to figure out how to do it all the time.

We did end up going to lunch yesterday and we spent most of the day together. It was a good day over all. I'm really starting to understand that he is committed to this M and he just needs time/space to fix his mess. I need to GAL so that he can fix what he needs to fix without me hovering and without me worrying. That should be interesting!