Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Nomopo]

You're welcome Will (can I call you that?). A few more thoughts:

The things I can't get out of my mind are as follows:

It takes time, but you will get better.

I need my head in the game, period. I need work to support my life and my D. I end up inadvertantly thinking about my sitch, and my mind is far from being alert at work. I can't allow myself to become a victim, I can't get hurt over this.

Amen. You take care of yourself for you and your D (and your W). When those thoughts creep in on the job (and off?), just will yourself past them. Visualize a red stop sign in your mind, and then get re-focused. This works for me when I think to do it.

I don't know if I'll want to / or be strong enough to continue DBing if we truly split. If we sell the house, one of us gets a new house, we divorce, etc., I don't know if I will keep this up. It hurts, but living together helps keep hope alive. If it goes as far as a divorce type situation, I think i'll feel it's gone too far and give up. I'll want to heal (to avoid getting hurt at work, live my life, take care of D, etc.) and feel like i've passed my point of no return. I know i'm not thinking rationally right now, but i've had these feelings, and tonight made them stronger.

You will make these decisions later. You don't need to answer these questions now. But, first off DBing is good for you whether you are trying to save your M or not. It's good for you individually and for any future Rs. As far as when to stop trying to save the M, for me it's probably after a D is final. I thought S was going to be unbearable, but it's not. Do not assume that a requested S means a D is inevitable. It's not. Many success sotries around here involved a separation.

I overthink most things, and philosophize a lot. I have the picture of the unknown guy next to my wife with no shirt in my head and wonder about the circumstances.

I am like this too, and have visualized awful things involving my W and OM. Again, it happens, but you can make it pass. Don't torture yourself. One way is to assume the worst and move on. BTW, my W telling OM she loved (loves?) him was worse than anything physical I imagined.

I know I have to get it out of my head, but time isn't on my side to wait for it to happen. I have to work, and it will cloud my mind much more than anything else.

I don't follow your comment about time. Time is on your side for saving your M. Do you mean time lets your mind wander?

I want answers to questions about that pic, and know I have no control and need to forget it. I can if I see progress, if things keep up the way they are, I don't think i'll so well at ignoring it. I'll try my hardest, but I know me pretty well. This is killing me (as it has a lot of you), i'm my own worst enemy right now with my romantic attitude and feeling that I was so secure in my marriage.

You are your own worst enemy right now. Your emotions can take on a life of their own. You can control them but it is hard. Recoignizing the problem is the start, and you've done that.

I assume she was flirting with that guy wit no shirt. Probably even "thinking" about him. Accept it. Assume the worst. And realize you have no control so worrying about it does you ZERO good. Now, what can you do to help yourself and your chances?

I'm not trying to have people repeat advice, and I do take in everything i'm told. These items have been sticking points, and I don't know how to handle them. I'm trying to act as if, GAL, and no control her. I just don't feel like I have enough let in me with my job, life, family and D.

You can do it. You are stronger than you think/realize. Look, this is fresh. In a few weeks (i'm guessing two to four) you will be amazed at how far you have come and how much better you are doing/feel. Trust me. Give it a chance. You ABSOLUTELY CAN DO THIS WILL. You are very strong. I sense it.

I feel like I am lying to our friends and family, my co-workers don't know why my moods and work style is changing so often, and I feel like DBing isn't doing what I thought it would.

It's none of their business unless you want to tell them.

I know it's great, but I expected different results. I'm expecting too much and acting too fast, i'm very irrational, and I know it's normal.

DB definitely works. It wil make you a better person, it will make your journey easier (not easy), and it will give you the best (only?) shot to save your M. But it doesn take time and patience and practice. You're still a newbie. Trust it and us and give it a chance to work. Why not? What have you got to lose?

But I on't know how to ignore or forget, when I have no one to really talk to in person, and no one who's solidly in my corner. This is what a husband and wife are supposed to due for each other.

You're right and that is so hard. I said that to myself (and even my W) several times. That this is the hardest thing I have ever faced, and normally I'd be talking to her about it. Can you confide in anyone? A family member, a friend? Beware that if they don't know DR/DB, they will likely not understand what you are doing.

I've been crying a lot tonight since she's sleeping and it's got me worn out.

Been there, done that. So sorry. It gets better with time, I promise.

I'll be posting tomorrow.

Excellent. And take care on the job my friend. And thanks for doing the job.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... and that stpe is like walking on hot coals right now.

I like it!

Nomo