Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks a ton guys, Nomo you are (as always) a huge help. I've read alllll of your comments, and will several more times to keep me learning/ hoping.

The things I can't get out of my mind are as follows:

1: I work in a bad area, and deal with some very dangerous people. An off duty cop just got shot in my area the other day, and guns are rampant. I need my head in the game, period. I need work to support my life and my D. I end up inadvertantly thinking about my sitch, and my mind is far from being alert at work. I can't allow myself to become a victim, I can't get hurt over this.

2: I don't know if I'll want to / or be strong enough to continue DBing if we truly split. If we sell the house, one of us gets a new house, we divorce, etc., I don't know if I will keep this up. It hurts, but living together helps keep hope alive. If it goes as far as a divorce type situation, I think i'll feel it's gone too far and give up. I'll want to heal (to avoid getting hurt at work, live my life, take care of D, etc.) and feel like i've passed my point of no return. I know i'm not thinking rationally right now, but i've had these feelings, and tonight made them stronger.

3: I overthink most things, and philosophize a lot. I have the picture of the unknown guy next to my wife with no shirt in my head and wonder about the circumstances. I know I have to get it out of my head, but time isn't on my side to wait for it to happen. I have to work, and it will cloud my mind much more than anything else. I want answers to questions about that pic, and know I have no control and need to forget it. I can if I see progress, if things keep up the way they are, I don't think i'll so well at ignoring it. I'll try my hardest, but I know me pretty well. This is killing me (as it has a lot of you), i'm my own worst enemy right now with my romantic attitude and feeling that I was so secure in my marriage.

I'm not trying to have people repeat advice, and I do take in everything i'm told. These items have been sticking points, and I don't know how to handle them. I'm trying to act as if, GAL, and no control her. I just don't feel like I have enough let in me with my job, life, family and D. I feel like I am lying to our friends and family, my co-workers don't know why my moods and work style is changing so often, and I feel like DBing isn't doing what I thought it would. I know it's great, but I expected different results. I'm expecting too much and acting too fast, i'm very irrational, and I know it's normal. But I on't know how to ignore or forget, when I have no one to really talk to in person, and no one who's solidly in my corner. This is what a husband and wife are supposed to due for each other.

Thanks again, i'm going to try to sleep. I've been crying a lot tonight since she's sleeping and it's got me worn out. I'll be posting tomorrow.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... and that stpe is like walking on hot coals right now.