ST You are absolutely right that I need to detach. I am really afraid that if/when I do, I won't come back, though. I kinda remember this fear from before, but it seems different now. Maybe it always seems different in the middle of it though. The house-sitting fell through which really bummed me out. I was thinking of posting something on craigslist offering to house-sit and see what happens... could be a good "free" vacation.
You make a good point about not wanting to hurt anyone in the "breakup." I guess I care so little about her, I want him to not care, either... but doesn't work that way. (damn it, if he was a womanizing jerk this would be easy for him right? me too though, wouldn't love him..). Anyway..just some ramblings.
Had a decent day, my dad's BD is tomorrow so I made his traditional birthday pie, and got his gift. Also drove around for a bit just for fun. (and, almost like I was on auto-pilot actually drove around some apartment complexes.... it was WEIRD, didn't feel like "me" doing it but obviously it was). Tonight H and I polished/waxed my car, which was pretty fun (it was part of our original plans this weekend, that's why I had it washed yesterday). It looks so good!! And since I'm pretty sure he "gives" in acts of service, that meant a lot to me, too.
SD Thanks. I am trying hard to refocus on me, but need to work harder. It's like I focus on "me" and realize how disrespectful this treatment is, get focused on H being disrespectful, and it spirals the wrong way.
GALing is pretty good I think. I've gone out with friends a few times, keeping up with nails done, pretty flowers on the table just for me... and keeping up with my IC, goals just for me, etc. Although Friday I was kinda mad, I cancelled my plans at H's request and then it turned out all messed up... probably need to keep those plans more often even if they do "interfere" I guess.
My goals... I need to really think about them again, they have changed a LOT I think. They used to be closer to "Happy M with H" and now they are closer to respecting myself, feeling valued, etc... so yeah, I do need to rethink how each action works too.
Thanks again SD. I need to catch up on you!!
------------------ Some journaling...
Would you guys believe this? Halfway through this afternoon I thought "Well, one 180 would be inviting PW and her BF over for dinner." I actually considered it. I wanted to see 1. if he exists and 2. if the dynamic between her and H really has changed.
Again..weird. Like driving through apartments in a daze but considering if I'd want to live there. I wanted to knock on my head and say "HEY! Can I have my brain back, please???" Felt like an alien myself today, I guess.
Sorry to sound kinda down, it was actually a pretty decent day overall, just a really, really weird one.
Look forward to a normal day sometime soon.
Tomorrow won't be it... dad's BD and stepmom (WAS) BD gift to him is cooking him dinner and swimming together at home. Yikes... hope it goes OK though.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
