Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Nomopo]

Hi there! Well, I was planning to go back and read your thread (parts of it again just to refresh my memory), but I just read your last post and have some thoughts so let me give it a shot.

Well, new bomb dropped today and I may have set-back a lot of my personal progress.

Don't worry about whether anything you did today was a setback. It's out there, so learn from it but then move on. Don't beat yourself up. I believe that it is the rare case where a mistake we make is fatal. And I didn't get any sense reading your post that anything was that bad.

I asked if she could be honest with me, and she said that she has been having an emotional affair, but not with him. A male co-worker had been going through a divorce, and they started talking and supporting one another. They have met for dinner, but she says it hasn't gone farther. As I mentioned before, I noticed something for a bit now and am a cop so I pick-up on people trying to be deceiving, I'm just sorry that I was correct.

Well, I am sorry about this. Believe me, I know exactly how much it hurts. One very small positive though - sounds like she came clean about having an EA when she didn't need to. That is something. Who knows if she is being fully honest about it. You can't be sure ever, I guess, and you need to try hard not to worry about it.

I will tell you that my emotions raged out of control for about 4 weeks after I learned of my W's EA. I have said before that I felt like I was hit in the head with a ball ping hammer. Disoriented and crushed, really. You need to accept that you will feel all these emotions for a while. I spent a lot of time revisiting our past, and figuring out how this new discovery played into episodes in the past. You cannot move out of this emotional stage at the flip of a switch, but the faster you do, the better. You will start to feel better. The pain will numb. You will start to think more with your head and less with your heart. While you know you are hurting and grieving, be cautious with anything you say or do. Really implement that 48-hour rule. Ok? Again, I am sorry for your pain. I can only say I have been there, and it gets a lot better. The pain isn't gone (probably never is), but it is SO MUCH better and I absolutely can handle/live with it.

We talked, she agreed not to see him or speak to him in any way unrelated to work until we decide what to do, and apologized.

Sounds like our deal too (my sitch, that is). You will most likely still have trust issues, so try not to obsess and agonize over it. You have to accept that you can't control her. She will still make her own choices, and if she has feelings for OM she will not likely be able to just shut those off with the flip of a switch. Accept it. Try to focus on you and not what she is doing. You can influence your W and your sitch, but the way to do it is by letting her go (meaning not trying to control her) while focusing on you!

She said that we were friends

Meaning W and OM or W and you? Just curious.

and she's sorry for hurting me. She knew that what she was doing was so wrong, and is glad I found out because she needed to stop it.

This is good. Small positive, but don't get your hopes up that she is about to start "doing the right thing." Just focus on what you control. You.

It feels and sounds like S__T, but I think she's telling the truth.

I think my W is telling me the truth too, but I have doubts a lot. It's natural. Be prepared for those sick feelings of doubt to come in. And try to put them out of your mind as quickly and best as you can.

We talked about us, she said that she hadn't paid attention to me much lately because she ignored me to find happiness elsewhere. She said that she doesn't feel we ever had what it takes, and hasn't tried to fix things or wanted to try.

Yep, my W said that sort of stuff too. It sucks. I am sorry. My W said I am not her type, she was never really attracted to me, and there is no hope. She currently is not trying. All I can say is "believe nothing they say and only half of what they do." I am sure she really fees that way but (1) I suspect she has conflicting feelings too and (2) things can change (but it takes time - longer than we want). You have to manage your emotions and be really patient. We are both in this for a very long haul.

I explained to her that the comments about other men and her ex bothered me because she discounts me, and I feel more disrespected and betrayed than mistreated by it. She said she didn't mean it to come across that way, and again apologized.

I am sure you wanted to get this out, and that is fine. I did similar stuff. But honestly, the more you can not focus on and try to talk to her about what you are feeling and your needs the better because she can't help you with that right now, and it likely makes her feel bad (she doesn't want to hurt you) and pushes her further away. It reminds her of what is lacking. No R talks for a while, ok? That just puts negative associations of you two in her mind. She needs to start building positives interactions/associations between you two into her mind - even if they are about small mundane things. Make sense?

I told her that I felt betrayed about the affair, more because she didn't trust in our friendship and exhaust all marrital resources for our D's sake before dishonestly going outside of the marriage as if the grass were greener.

Ok, again, you got this out, but I played the we owe it to our kids card and I don't think it helped. It's out there now, so fine, but don't bring it up any more. It's pressure and an attempt to control. It's normal for you to want to do that. I did. But it won't work, and can make it worse (and can make healing your sitch take longer). She has to come around on her own, in her own time.

She said that she knows the grass isn't greener, and the the OM has caused many of his marriage issues.

Well, this is really good.

She said it just felt good talking to him, and the spark and new attention was attractive.

See if you can learn from this what she is getting/seeking from OM that she wasn't getting from you. As you focus on yourself, and become the man you want to be, will it incorporate these things she is looking for and finds lacking in the old you?

I broke several DB rules, and talked and repeated myself, etc.; But eventually caught myself and had a slightly more accomplishing conversation.

Excellent recovery!

I told her that I knew she didn't like me much right now, and didn't love me, but that we owed it to our daughter to exhaust all resources.

Ok, you played the "for the kids" card, so she knows that, but don't bring it up again. If she tries only for that reason, her heart may not be in it, and it probably won't work. If she tries down the road because she wants to, your chances will be better.

I explained that I would like all outside realationships of any kind terminated, until we make a final decision, and said that it would take a while to do it right. She was reluctant and defensive about trying to fix our marriage at first thiking, I was trying to get her to do what I wanted.

You do have to recognize and accept that this was an attempt to control her. As hard as it is, you can't control her.

I explained that DBing may show us a way to get everything we both want, and preserve our family while making us happy. I said that it has a better chance if she stops comparing to the past and does it with an open mind, but that DBing at all will help some. I also told her that i'm also doing it to know that we both did everything, and that if we divorce, we'll both know we tried and have much less resentment and a better chance at getting along for D's sake. She said "I want to know what's in this book that has you so convinced."

I generally advise against getting WASs to read DR. (By the way, DR is a much better rewrite/update of DB. Do you have it? I'd get it.) I doubt your WAW is in the right frame of mind for DB/DR to work with her, and you also run the risk that she will view your efforts and actions as contrived and manipulative. Personally, I wouldn't bring it up again and I'd hope she'd lets it go. I got my W to agree to listen to some pre-DB R tapes, and she did about 3 of 12, but her heart wasn't in it and she never finished them.

She said she didn't want a free, college type life; but wanted a secure, happy and passionate relationship. She felt she didn't want and/or couldn't have it with me.

Don't put too much stock in this. Yes, she believes it, but this can change. It will take time, but this can change. Let the comments slide off your back. Focus on what you can control. Think LONG-TERM!

She agreed to read DBing, and after we both complete it, to either speak to a DB coach or a counselor of my choice. That is the only positive thing about this whole encounter.

Well, it wasn't the only positive. She knows OM has M issues and the grass isn't greener. And there are others - she felt bad, she fessed up, etc. Again, I wouldn't push the book. And I don't think her talking to a DB coach will help. The DR/DB books and coaching are for you. They are designed for LBSs, in my opinion.

But can you get her to see a MC? That would be huge. Especially a good one - pro-M, solutions-based, goal-oriented. Maybe with some IMAGO training too. If she will, you need to really do your research to find a good one. Let's discuss it further if you get to that point, ok? A good T can help a lot; a bad T can hurt a lot.

I broke the rules, am all f'ed up in the head again, but am glad that I know the truth (i think). I believe that the E.A. will stop until we decide to split or not.

I wouldn't sweat the rules. It is what it is. Not too bad. Just start moving forward again. EA probably will stop, but may not. Don't sweat it. Focus on you, not her for now.

She's reading DBing right now, and we are going to see what happens. I feel very negative, and my gut tells me that she is going to patronize this until she can get out. (Though I hope i'm wrong).

My gut is the same, which is why I wouldn't push the book. Don't try to get her to see the light and learn things until SHE decides to reinvest and work on things (which will likely be weeks or months down the road). Accept the likely long-term reality of your sitch.

I would like to get my hands on OM, but it's not worth my family or my job. He's exploiting the situation, and has been through this before so he knows the results of his actions. I know there's noting I can do, but you guys are helping me keep calm and keep my mind straight.

I so hear you. I still envision kicking OM's a$$. Let it go. You're right. It's not worth it. He's not worth it. I think there is about a 0% chance your W ends up with him long-term.

I'm ok I guess, just stunned and in a huge amount of pain. I'm mad as hell, shaking, want to fight, etc.... but I know it won't help me.

I feel your pain. If it helps at all, you're normal. These feeling are 100% normal. Sorry. It gets better. Really it does. Give it some time. Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat right, etc.

I hope to god that she DB's and we work, but I don't know how to trust her right now. How do I get through the next few hours, days, weeks, months... knowing shes working with this piece of S__t. AHHHH....

My sitch exactly. My W and OM share a secretary - both are lawyers. You just have to try to trust her (and that doesn't always work), and then you have to put it out of your mind. Try thought stopping. Don't let your mind go there any more than you absolutely have to. You can save your M, but the key is focusing on yourself. Go read that long post I copied on to my thread this morning. About the Special As If Attitude. I think it may help you. It has helped (and is helping) me.

If you have any ideas on making this news about the EA easier, please let me know.

Accept your emotions as natural. Realize it will take time. Realize that you will be happy and have a great life (and that you are a great person) no matter what happens with your M or your W. Focus on you. And also, importantly, try to forgive your W. See Michele's article on Forgiveness on the home page. It's good!

Good luck,
Nomo

PS - what part of Jersey? I went to school outside Philly.