Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Willing NJ H]

Heimlich, lol thanks for the laugh. (NJ is tha only state not allowed to carry tasers )

K.C. was good, but not a real "performer." You really have to like his music to like the show (which I do.) Tim McGraw is an awesome concert. Ton of energy and an all out party!

Hd dinner with my mom and D tonight. Helped me get my mind off of things a bit, but not much. Just hoping someone has a method for getting back to the comfort zone I was feeling about two weeks ago. Now i'm wondering what she wants, and if there will be a OM since we are separated or as part of her testing the waters and finding herself. Again, I know I can't do a thing about it, and can't worry about it, but it happens from time to time. I'm still fairly new to this, and am looking for little tricks to help it go smoother for me. Feeling like my life is shattered lately, and I can't start over beause maybe i'll get lucky and she'll come back to me.

Thanks again, look forward to additional advice. Talk to ya tomorrow. Time for bed.

[Gina]

Hey Willing ~ just popping in. skimmed your thread real quick. Interestting suff... I am exhausted right now and heading to bed but I will be back tommorow morning to fully read and post comments! :-)

[dlt1]

Hey Willing,
I feel for you. Wish I had something enlightening to say right now. But I think hearing the same advice always helps:
Act As If - keep those actions looking good with W
GAL - we have a restaurant/sports bar that allows kids and they eat free on Sundays. My W and I would watch football there, but the crowd was a lot of Dad's and kids. Maybe you have something similar where you can hang out with other Dad's and your D??
Keep focused on who you want to be for you and your D. That's #1.

[Matt-14]

Willing,

We all have bad days and you seem to be doing pretty well. Try not to dwell on the negative or unknown. It does no good. I know it's hard not to though.

I believe anything she is doing is just a phase that will play out eventually. So hang in there and keep working on improving you. I want to see you looking more like Peyton Manning.

Matt

[Gina]

I went to a KC concert a few weeks ago. It was good. Was Uncle Kracker a surprise guest at the one you were at? He was for the one I went to.

I think you did the right thing at the concert when dealing with your wife and her distance etc. Acting as if, although hard for you shows her you are going to have a good time regardless. When my H acts as if (and I think he does it subconcioulsy) it really irritates me and makes me want to be w him more. I know our sitch's are the reverse but that is the effect it has on me and your W seems to feel similar to me so maybe it will have the same effect on her. She may get angry about the way you are acting because it is not how she expected you to be. Just let her be with that emotion and let her feel it. It may work in your favor.

I think a couple of things about her comment about her ex-boyfriend. First, she is testing you to see how you are going to react. My suggestion is don't react with anger etc. Continue to act as if and let the comment roll of your back. Since your W in the past seems to have felt that you did not care I am not sure my suggestion would be to not react at all for your sitch. If I were to say something like this to my H and he acted like he did not care I would be angry. So if she says something again maybe acknowledge it in a calm way. I am not sure exactly what you could say but I know I would want some emotion out of him, not a lot, just enough to show me it bothered him some. You know your W the best so you might have an idea of what the best thing to say or do in this sitch but I think some sort of appropriate acknowldgement would be okay.

As far as him treating her bad etc. I don't believe she sees that right now. To give you an example, my ex-boyfriend was/is a alcoholic. He drank all the time and was a mean drunk. Getting out of that R was one of the best things that ever happened to me. However, sometimes when I think about it I don't see it that way. I remember the good points of him and how well he treated me when he was not drinking and how he adored me. All the things I don't feel my H does. See what I mean? She is looking for a escape from the sitch and remembering him provides her with that. Does it mean she will ever act on feelings she may be having? I don't know. I do know in my sitch that I wouldn't because eventually I do remember and feel the pain of what it was like to be with him and would never put myself in that position again if the opportunity arose.

On another note, I don't think KC is that cute...so maybe you have nothing to worry about...LOL!!

Your feelings of anger, resentment, hurt, ect. are all completely normal. I feel them all on a daily basis. Detatching does help you to feel better but there is always going to be ups and downs. I will go weeks feeling great and then back to feeling crappy and powerless just like I did when the whole sitch started. I hate feeling that way (an am there right now) so I totally relate to where you are coming from. My suggestion backs up everyone else, focus on you, detach, GAL, and act as if. Oh yeah and be consistent (have I said that enough yet...haha)!

Overall, I think she is scared to trust the changes you have made and trust that they are here to stay. She did not expect this and it may be frightening for her to even consider opening herself back up to you because of the chance that she could get hurt again. I think that is where some of the mood changes are coming from. I would just keep doing what you are doing because she has noticed that and has commented positively on it!

Hang in there you are doing great!

[Gina]

I want to see you looking more like Peyton Manning.

Uh oh! A little Peyton and Kenny rivarly? This could be dangerous...lol!!

[Nomopo]

Hi there. Have now marked your thread and will try to catch up later, when I have a little more time. Sorry I can't at the moment. Thanks for popping in on my thread.

Nomo

[Willing NJ H]

Well, new bomb dropped today and I may have set-back a lot of my personal progress. She was away with her mom at a wedding for the weekend, and got home today while I was at work. I got home, did my DBing with her as I should, and told her "I made plans to hang out with Ron and Steph for today, if you want to join you can, if not it's ok." (Ron is her cousin and one of my good high school friends.) She decided to go, and we grabbed dinner with our D on the way.

We both ordered upgraded PDA cell phones recently . Her's has been in for a week or so, and mine isn't here. I asked her to show me how to use it, so I would know how to use mine, and she did. I was going through the options without a 2nd thought, since I trusted her, and found a pic of her with a guy with his shirt off???????? I stayed quiet and didn't let her know I saw it, and had a gut ripping pain fill me. I was so hurt, and thought about how to bring it up. Just then my sister called me, and she did something with the phone while I talked to her. When I hung up, I asked her if I could still play with the phone, and she had deleted the pics! I nicely asked, is there something I should know, I saw the pic. She replied "Nothing happened with him, it was at a friends party and we were all goofin off. He spilled a beer on himself and we were all messing with him as he cleaned it." I asked if she could be honest with me, and she said that she has been having an emotional affair, but not with him. A male co-worker had been going through a divorce, and they started talking and supporting one another. They have met for dinner, but she says it hasn't gone farther. As I mentioned before, I noticed something for a bit now and am a cop so I pick-up on people trying to be deceiving, I'm just sorry that I was correct. We talked, she agreed not to see him or speak to him in any way unrelated to work until we decide what to do, and apologized. She said that we were friends, and she's sorry for hurting me. She knew that what she was doing was so wrong, and is glad I found out because she needed to stop it. It feels and sounds like S__T, but I think she's telling the truth.

We talked about us, she said that she hadn't paid attention to me much lately because she ignored me to find happiness elsewhere. She said that she doesn't feel we ever had what it takes, and hasn't tried to fix things or wanted to try. I explained to her that the comments about other men and her ex bothered me because she discounts me, and I feel more disrespected and betrayed than mistreated by it. She said she didn't mean it to come across that way, and again apologized. I told her that I felt betrayed about the affair, more because she didn't trust in our friendship and exhaust all marrital resources for our D's sake before dishonestly going outside of the marriage as if the grass were greener. She said that she knows the grass isn't greener, and the the OM has caused many of his marriage issues. She said it just felt good talking to him, and the spark and new attention was attractive.

I broke several DB rules, and talked and repeated myself, etc.; But eventually caught myself and had a slightly more accomplishing conversation. I told her that I knew she didn't like me much right now, and didn't love me, but that we owed it to our daughter to exhaust all resources. I explained that I would like all outside realationships of any kind terminated, until we make a final decision, and said that it would take a while to do it right. She was reluctant and defensive about trying to fix our marriage at first thiking, I was trying to get her to do what I wanted. I explained that my intention was to try everything for our D's sake, and that I don't want to be with her right now either. I explained that DBing may show us a way to get everything we both want, and preserve our family while making us happy. I said that it has a better chance if she stops comparing to the past and does it with an open mind, but that DBing at all will help some. I also told her that i'm also doing it to know that we both did everything, and that if we divorce, we'll both know we tried and have much less resentment and a better chance at getting along for D's sake. She said "I want to know what's in this book that has you so convinced." She told me how horrible she felt for the E.A., and said that's what she meant when she said she felt bad for acting like a teenager. She said she didn't want a free, college type life; but wanted a secure, happy and passionate relationship. She felt she didn't want and/or couldn't have it with me. She agreed to read DBing, and after we both complete it, to either speak to a DB coach or a counselor of my choice. That is the only positive thing about this whole encounter.

I broke the rules, am all f'ed up in the head again, but am glad that I know the truth (i think). I believe that the E.A. will stop until we decide to split or not. She's reading DBing right now, and we are going to see what happens. I feel very negative, and my gut tells me that she is going to patronize this until she can get out. (Though I hope i'm wrong). I would like to get my hands on OM, but it's not worth my family or my job. He's exploiting the situation, and has been through this before so he knows the results of his actions. I know there's noting I can do, but you guys are helping me keep calm and keep my mind straight.

I am generally a gentle giant. I speak my mind with friends and won't be walked on; but I have a lot of patience and give a lot of slack to people. Sitch's like this are generally a time when I may lose my cool and put someone in their place, but as long as she keeps her word, i'll be fine. If she doesn't, I won't stoop that low and ruin my job, but I would've dealt with OM physically had it not been for you guys.

I'm ok I guess, just stunned and in a huge amount of pain. I'm mad as hell, shaking, want to fight, etc.... but I know it won't help me. I hope to god that she DB's and we work, but I don't know how to trust her right now. How do I get through the next few hours, days, weeks, months... knowing shes working with this piece of S__t. AHHHH....

Well, this is an awesome place to vent, and I feel like pounded poo. I am counting on your replies and reinforcement; thanks ahead of time. You guys are great, hopefully this will be the last bomb thats dropped. If you have any ideas on making this news about the EA easier, please let me know.

[Atlas]

willing,

man that is rough about the pda phone pic's. i can only imagine, oh wait i snooped w's phone one night. not good. how i handle it is i stay out of her communication lines, i don't want to see it i don't want to know it. why, well i don't want to face it such that she is upset and agrees out of guilt. i want the women that is committed and tells me to clear the air and make things right.

sorry your hurting, keep db'ing and i don't think you were out of line, considering the sitch. just keep db'ing and do all you can. your a cop, good work, appreciate that. i don't think i could do that, i'd be suspended for something so fast, haha. i could never handle the control that comes along with that. it just looks like too much fun. i can only imagine when you get the real idiots, but probably happens every day.

[Heimlich]

Willing,

There's nothing any of us can say to make you feel better about the EA. For me, the fact that my W was more comfortable opening up to another man was as painful as the fact that she screwed him. However, I can say that you can and will get over it. You'll never forget and it'll take a while to process the pain, but it will pass.

Go for a walk, run, lift. Get some of those hormones out.

She said a lot of hurtful things and it sounds like she doesn't really know her own mind or what she really wants. However, she has agreed to read the book. Maybe not proper "DBing" from the standpoint of those of us with spouses ready to leave, but if she reads it and is committed to trying -- ride that out. Take her at face value. Don't prejudge that she's just humoring you. If she is, you'll discover that in the end. If she isn't, if you hold her at arms length/don't trust her, it could turn into a self-fulfilling prophesy. Either way, you're doing the best you can. Even if she walks now, YOU'VE done what you could to save the M. You've changed. You've become more open. If she refuses to see that and react positively to them, that's HER decision. Not yours.

It's amazing that our spouses decided to ignore us and find happiness elsewhere, without ever checking with us to see if we could be happy together.

Hang in there. It'll get better.

BD