Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Willing NJ H]

Well, new bomb dropped today and I may have set-back a lot of my personal progress. She was away with her mom at a wedding for the weekend, and got home today while I was at work. I got home, did my DBing with her as I should, and told her "I made plans to hang out with Ron and Steph for today, if you want to join you can, if not it's ok." (Ron is her cousin and one of my good high school friends.) She decided to go, and we grabbed dinner with our D on the way.

We both ordered upgraded PDA cell phones recently . Her's has been in for a week or so, and mine isn't here. I asked her to show me how to use it, so I would know how to use mine, and she did. I was going through the options without a 2nd thought, since I trusted her, and found a pic of her with a guy with his shirt off???????? I stayed quiet and didn't let her know I saw it, and had a gut ripping pain fill me. I was so hurt, and thought about how to bring it up. Just then my sister called me, and she did something with the phone while I talked to her. When I hung up, I asked her if I could still play with the phone, and she had deleted the pics! I nicely asked, is there something I should know, I saw the pic. She replied "Nothing happened with him, it was at a friends party and we were all goofin off. He spilled a beer on himself and we were all messing with him as he cleaned it." I asked if she could be honest with me, and she said that she has been having an emotional affair, but not with him. A male co-worker had been going through a divorce, and they started talking and supporting one another. They have met for dinner, but she says it hasn't gone farther. As I mentioned before, I noticed something for a bit now and am a cop so I pick-up on people trying to be deceiving, I'm just sorry that I was correct. We talked, she agreed not to see him or speak to him in any way unrelated to work until we decide what to do, and apologized. She said that we were friends, and she's sorry for hurting me. She knew that what she was doing was so wrong, and is glad I found out because she needed to stop it. It feels and sounds like S__T, but I think she's telling the truth.

We talked about us, she said that she hadn't paid attention to me much lately because she ignored me to find happiness elsewhere. She said that she doesn't feel we ever had what it takes, and hasn't tried to fix things or wanted to try. I explained to her that the comments about other men and her ex bothered me because she discounts me, and I feel more disrespected and betrayed than mistreated by it. She said she didn't mean it to come across that way, and again apologized. I told her that I felt betrayed about the affair, more because she didn't trust in our friendship and exhaust all marrital resources for our D's sake before dishonestly going outside of the marriage as if the grass were greener. She said that she knows the grass isn't greener, and the the OM has caused many of his marriage issues. She said it just felt good talking to him, and the spark and new attention was attractive.

I broke several DB rules, and talked and repeated myself, etc.; But eventually caught myself and had a slightly more accomplishing conversation. I told her that I knew she didn't like me much right now, and didn't love me, but that we owed it to our daughter to exhaust all resources. I explained that I would like all outside realationships of any kind terminated, until we make a final decision, and said that it would take a while to do it right. She was reluctant and defensive about trying to fix our marriage at first thiking, I was trying to get her to do what I wanted. I explained that my intention was to try everything for our D's sake, and that I don't want to be with her right now either. I explained that DBing may show us a way to get everything we both want, and preserve our family while making us happy. I said that it has a better chance if she stops comparing to the past and does it with an open mind, but that DBing at all will help some. I also told her that i'm also doing it to know that we both did everything, and that if we divorce, we'll both know we tried and have much less resentment and a better chance at getting along for D's sake. She said "I want to know what's in this book that has you so convinced." She told me how horrible she felt for the E.A., and said that's what she meant when she said she felt bad for acting like a teenager. She said she didn't want a free, college type life; but wanted a secure, happy and passionate relationship. She felt she didn't want and/or couldn't have it with me. She agreed to read DBing, and after we both complete it, to either speak to a DB coach or a counselor of my choice. That is the only positive thing about this whole encounter.

I broke the rules, am all f'ed up in the head again, but am glad that I know the truth (i think). I believe that the E.A. will stop until we decide to split or not. She's reading DBing right now, and we are going to see what happens. I feel very negative, and my gut tells me that she is going to patronize this until she can get out. (Though I hope i'm wrong). I would like to get my hands on OM, but it's not worth my family or my job. He's exploiting the situation, and has been through this before so he knows the results of his actions. I know there's noting I can do, but you guys are helping me keep calm and keep my mind straight.

I am generally a gentle giant. I speak my mind with friends and won't be walked on; but I have a lot of patience and give a lot of slack to people. Sitch's like this are generally a time when I may lose my cool and put someone in their place, but as long as she keeps her word, i'll be fine. If she doesn't, I won't stoop that low and ruin my job, but I would've dealt with OM physically had it not been for you guys.

I'm ok I guess, just stunned and in a huge amount of pain. I'm mad as hell, shaking, want to fight, etc.... but I know it won't help me. I hope to god that she DB's and we work, but I don't know how to trust her right now. How do I get through the next few hours, days, weeks, months... knowing shes working with this piece of S__t. AHHHH....

Well, this is an awesome place to vent, and I feel like pounded poo. I am counting on your replies and reinforcement; thanks ahead of time. You guys are great, hopefully this will be the last bomb thats dropped. If you have any ideas on making this news about the EA easier, please let me know.