showed up with her coffee, she was grateful. asked about my weekend with s, and what we did. had a pretty good conversation, we were planning on getting out as a fam, but the boy was tired so we put him down. then the r talk started, she had a lot to get off her chest.
it's tough to db with a therapist, she sees it all but i think it doesn't really matter. see started out with that she knows in order to make things work she can't look backwards and has to think forward, but that she had unanswered questions from the past and she wanted to bounce them off me. then the list started, on my hell she has the memory of an elephant, things i forgot i had done, it was rough, class a1 ahole here. all i did was listen, mirror, validate and empathize. at one point we're holding hands and crying together. pretty rough. she wanted an explanation and wouldn't take i'm working on myself for an anwer.
i told her that i was not a good husband, that i learned to treat a marriage from the way i grew up, i thought this is how it worked. talked about how that lead to my control. then i told her about my c session, about how i listed what i was attracted to when we were dating. told her it was her feminist, independant leadership, that she stood for things and wasn't afraid to speak her mind, and this made me love her. then we married and all i wanted to do was please you, so i handled everything to show my love, like my father does for my mother. but that just killed your spirit of being a women who walks tall.
she started crying, you did those things out of love? not to control me? i told her i thought by taking control, not necessarily of her but of our lives i wanted her to relax and live life. then she jumps in with her therapy side, so you thought you were pleasing me, i'm complaining and had to seem ungrateful to you, well this explains a lot of why we are where we are.
then she said she ran into a mutual friend and the friend told w about my sorority night at the ballgame. had a good time that night, just women to talk too. she seemed to want to know more and i told her that they only talked to me, nothing is going on, i'm not dating, nothing. then she said she just wanted me to be happy, and i told her either way i would be happy because i would know it is what she wants.
friend also told w that a few women have asked her about me, w wanted to know if i would see other women if we got a d. told her that she would always have a special place in my heart, but i'm no monk.
she seems really disturbed by this idea of me seeing other people, but she is dating freely and admitted to it. which is odd, the other night it was inappropriate, now it isn't. everything with her right now is ok then not. i guess i just have to be the constant, win or lose, the constant.
well the whole time, outside of if we d would i date, it is now called the seperation, no mention of divorce. except she did tell me that she was so scared at first that i would take s from her. i told her no matter what i'm not fighting, i'm not repeating her mother and father, or any other d we have seen. i don't have the desire, energy and just can't fight her anymore about anything.
this is really the short version, there was 4 hours of this and these are the points i really noticed. but overall the tone was very good outside of about 45 minutes. very upbeat, positive outlook on her part and mine. no d talk in the sense of do you want this, or will you fight that, just the hypothetical's, would you remarry, etc.
at the end she said, do you want to know what to do to win me back. said i would love a map. she said keep treating me decently. i asked for a temperture gage on that. she said you have been so, so, so, so, so decent. gave me a hug and told me to just keep it up. typically at this point i run, don't want to get back to upset mode. so i threw out that i need to leave. she said i would really like us all to go get something to eat. then we drove around all afternoon lost, looking for her restaurant, finally went 15 miles the other way to go to another one. the whole drive we are laughing telling each other jokes, holding hands at one point. that was nice.
then she brought up the car thing again, i just listened. therapist stoped by again, she said don't just validate me, i'm actually asking your advice on this. so i gave it and she said thanks, i think your right. all i said was that it is her car, she could do whatever she wanted to do with it, but i wouldn't get a car payment for now.
we got takeout and took it back to her place. had lunch, put s down for another nap.
she is also coming over to the house tomorrow to do some work. she hasn't done that in a while. great sign, because i don't think she has felt comfortable there for a while.
