I would just let the birthday pass, and let him wonder why you didn't remember it. After all, you might be just too busy GAL to even think of it.
But the nice thing to do is send a Happy Birthday, just like you would an old friend. With the same expectations.
Mickey
I disagree.
Remember, these men are not in their right minds and they have a tendency to forget many things and are under an enormous amount of guilt. I believe it is important to keep up the way we always have and that means if we were always acknowledging birthdays, then send a card. Do not change just because they are in MLC.
It is also important for them to know that we still exist because when all is said and done and the LBS sticks it out, they will be thankful that we were there standing by. They know who the strong person is right now (not them but the LBS!) and they need a reassurance every once in awhile even though they may not need us right now.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
The other way to have/establish contact in my opinion begins with the kids. If there are issues that he should know about, then by all means let him know what is going on.
And keep him updated about once a week (or whatever you feel is proper) about the issue.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Thanks Steelersfan. I am going to send just a card with a brief Happy Bday note. I guess I am feeling really negative about sending him anything about DD. He never replies. I think I could tell him that she is in the hospital and he wouldn't reply. I told him about her being diagnoised with ADD. nothing. Over the year I sent pictures by mail and email, nothing. How long can he expect to not saying anything and just get to know? I am not against him knowing or telling him anything but at the same time I should get a nod that he received it at least. How hard is it to say "got it, thanks?" I expect a child to do that. Why not him? He doesn't even fully support her financially. Yes, I guess I am feeling angry but I don't expect much. I have never expected much from him. Maybe that is where I went wrong. He stopped opening the car door for me. I didn't say anything. When I saw him go around and the car door for the woman he took to the theater, I realize that I was allowing him to disrespect me and that took away from him too. I think men need to feel "knightly" and protective. I don't know how to do that now with him in no contact. I asked him for help, nothing. I don't know how to get him to respond!
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
You are in a tough situation and certainly one that I have never been in. I am sorry he is not communicating at all!
I do think at times, the reason for the no contact is the guilt but there comes a time when they do eventually get in contact with someone, esp. the kids.
This is a difficult situation and I certainly understand where you are coming from.
I would be interested to hear what others have to say with regard to contact when one hears nothing from their husband.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I do agree with Steelers on a lot of points she made...but you have attempted contact...and when you receive nothing, what else can you do. That's where I believe your situation is much tougher and a little different here.
My ex is very similar...but would have contact with us if I would allow it. I don't think it is appropriate now since he has married ow. My kids were from a previous marriage. He has been confused in the past about what he wants and it just caused more problems for us. Another story.
Their 'no contact' makes us feel as if we meant nothing. But I believe your ex has some issues he has to work through. My kid's real father is similar in a lot of ways. He attempts contact now, but is still a bully to me so I can't find any common 'middle ground' to work with. We have been divorced for 12 years now.
I think you are on the right path in understanding just how important YOU are. You are realizing that you quite possibly weren't treated well in the situations that you shared in your posts. It seems your ex had some unsavory friends...LOL. Is it possible that you 'married down' and he just was not worthy of someone like you...JMO. Forgive me if I'm way off base.
Actually you aren't far off base Mickey about the M thing. Everyone of my friends said I need to find someone who treats me better. H was capable of being a wonderful person. He showed me that when we were dating but I guess it was too hard to maintain. That doesn't mean I am "giving up", just realizing what I need so I can have it and not putting up with less in future situations. He must be terribly broken/ashamed to dropped contact with even his parents and DD.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
H's bday is Monday. He will be 49. I just sent a card with a dreamcatcher on the cover, the legend on the inside and words like "wishing you a happy year, Happy Birthday". I just signed my first name. <sigh>
I feel like I am moving backwards. It hit me that it will be 2 years of birthdays since I have seen him. I wish I could know for sure that it was MLC and not just him "moving on". He still doesn't talk to parents or DD. What a miserable life in my mind. How can you live like that?
The other thing is being a parent. I know the kids will hate you sometimes for what you do. Right now DD wants to work during the school year. This won't be bad if the place she works at closed at a decent hour but they are open till 10:00 pm and then they have to clean, which usually takes 1 hour, by the time she gets home it's almost midnight (and I have to drive her around). She wants to continue crew and has weight lifting at 6:30 am so I put my foot down and said no. Now she is sulking and not speaking to me and all the other things to make me feel like an ogre. I tried explaining that even working only Fri/Sat means she will miss out of alot of stuff and suggested she find a job that closes at an early hour and is closer to home for about 10-15 hours. No go, she wants this job! <sigh> GAHHEHHEHEH -
singing "no body loves me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms....."
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
I am so sorry about your beloved doggie. I too had to do that in April with my "Rosie" who was 15. It hurts so much. With all that we have been through those babies stood by us. They are so much a part of the family, it's so hard.
