Is verycrazy piecing or just crazy?

[25yearsmlc]

VC,
Well the good news is that I found your thread.....but let's do a quick review.

You had a very nice vacation and he showed affection and you didn't argue. Umm, I give that 10 points POSITIVES....Then you snooped and came up with AMBIGUOS evidence he's still seeing her. Which would mean he is still confused but not leaving you....well? As for still lying, well are you sure it means dishonesty for him to not share every single memory of her with you? I mean, aren't there some things you'll never want to know? I visited our rental home in Alaska last week to prepare for the move and found some old Visa bills. As soon as I saw the dates (mind you, I don't even know if he did anything with OW or if there was one, etc, but I suspect a few dinners....) I said, "Hey, I don't want to find these things anymore so throw them away or keep them in the tax file or whatever. I don't need to see this crap." He said, wth? are you talking about? and I explained: "H, I don't know what you did or with whom when you first left. I just know that it hurts to wonder and I don't want anymore reminders. Would you?" He HUGGED me then, and turned the bills downface....wth?

I'll post more later if I can figure out how to start my own thing. Guess I've lost my old threads or cannot find them here b/c of my computer ignorance. you know, a good 180 for me would be to learn how to work this thing...

Let me see if can re-cap your sitch without even knowing it. You want to stay M and he seems to, or at least he hasn't said the D word....all I can suggest is that you stay in the moment and build on it. Last week when walking with h, I felt a bad memory resurface and had to repress it. I realized that other than some rare requests for reassurance, all I can really do now is let go of the past, in front of him at least. He wants a fresh start (his words) and has said some fun, romantic things. I've resisted and had to slap myself for that. We were shopping for a new bed up there and he said "it's like we're newlyweds" and why the hell didn't I just enjoy that? Because I'm still mad and afraid. But he has to know I won't hold this over his head forever or we can't start over and that will be my fault, kwim?

A year ago I went to Palm Springs for a business trip with him and the girls. I recall thinking that the memory might be the last one of the girls with their dad so I vowed not to bring up anything negative and to try hard to focus on the moment, and his positives. He is interesting, and he teaches the girls a lot about science, and geography and history,etc. So I just tried for those four days to enjoy him and whatever we could salvage of our friendship, etc. I think because I knew I wasn't "letting him off" but was just temporarily putting my justified anger aside, it worked. Really well. And now, I try to keep doing that, for a day or a week at a time. And the more of those "moments" I build with him, the easier it gets to let go of those bad memories...and the easier it is for him to trust the "new me"....is it fair? who knows? It is helping my sitch and that's all I can offer you at the moment.

Miraculously, d10 is "EXCITED TO BE MOVING" to Alaska....who knew? My main pain right now, honestly, is "losing" my d18 to college an hour from here. I have to keep that separate from other issues b/c it's unfair to blame h for her going to college. But d10's excitement, I hope, won't fade when she sees how the winter is...but again, maybe she'll LOVE ice skating....

Let me know how you're doing and why you have to worry about whether your h is still THINKING of her....I mean, he may mourn the "sacrifice" and that sucks for your ego and all. But then, he did pick you and the marriage. So, what about that?
j-