One link at a time

[BeingMe]

Yeah, I also like to live each day to it's fullest, if I'm in the right frame of mind. Nowadays, I am usually in a reflective mood, and pondering on things (this, after my mild freak session last week, and working up to it in the preceding weeks, and finally finding that detached calmness again, and self control).

I am just trying to figure out what I should do with the rest of my life. Maybe, it's because I am turning 50 this year, and it's made me realise that I am probably more than two thirds of the way through my life (a lot less, if I follow my parents, but spot on if I live to my grandmother's age, and I am aiming for the latter, of course). I am considering what legacy I want to leave my children? What do I want them to remember about me?

So, have been writing down some goals, and things I want to learn, and achieve while still physically able to. This is why I have applied for the 6 month civilian post in Afghanistan (assisting the military as admin assistant). I feel I need to prove that I can still do a job like that, and able to be independent and away from my family (particularly my H) and still thrive. Could this be a MLC? More a mid-life transition, I think. I want to transition as smoothly as possible from one aspect of my life to the next. I probably won't get the job, but I feel the need to assert my independence (not necessarily, by divorcing my H, which I don't want) by being able to do things for myself. Grief! Even my D14 takes things away from me and does it for me, 'cause she thinks I'm so frail (like opening a jar or whatever, although maybe it's just her showing that she is strong and dependable). So confusing! My S20 and my H won't show me how to use the lawnmower 'cause they will do it ... I have never mowed or whacked a lawn in my whole life (when I garden, I use manual tools, then leave the lawn to my H, S20 or a contractor - utterly ridiculous when I think how independent and self-reliant I was before meeting my H). This is not acceptable anymore. It was fine when I had no time, and was busy with a full-time job, housework, and the children, but I have plenty of time now. My H is even uncomfortable with my using his tools, like his drill, 'cause he thinks I will mess the job, or break the tool (he doesn't say so in so many words, but he is fast to do the job, when I say I will do it).

Lots of goals to write down, and ponder on, and achieving. So, I will take a breath and just jump in!