Not so fast!

[indybyathread]

I handled another situation today better than I would have in the past. I stupidly brought up the fact that, if he does get his own place, taking his senile cat out of my house would be the one bonus for me. He said, that's not the only thing, you'll have all that extra time without the kids to worry about. I said, every other weekend I guess but... He said he'd have them two nights during the week too. I said, not on school nights. He said, why not, he would take them to school in the morning.

I freaked out inside, not sure why. Lots of fearful ideas wrapped up in that one: fear for my son's ability to stay on track as he begins middle school, fear of being unable to control their environment, fear of being alone... Anyway, I started lecturing him on the responsibilities that he would have to take on for that to happen. I said that I was not looking for an argument but that he had to understand that I was only going to be further inconvenienced by this and, although I understood that things were going to have to change, that I would not accept any scenario that made life for our son more difficult. He agreed, the good student and I the domineering teacher walked away feeling like crap.

HERE'S THE GOOD PART: I took some time to think this over and realized that I handled my fear by going into control mode. I asked to speak with him and said that I was sorry for doing that. I said that nothing had to be decided right now and that, if he will make sure that he stays connected and on top of what is happening at school, it won't really matter where our son does his homework. I apologized for the lecture. He gave me a hug.

NOW THE BAD PART: I snooped. Couldn't control myself. I read his texts from this weekend. They were all to his EA and very sweet and very much acting like he was miserable here. Can't wait to see her tonight. Want to kill him! Want to kill her! I think they are getting closer and closer to a PA. I wish he would just do it and get it over with! Now I have to feel like crap again for doing the snooping in the first place and for learning exactly what I didn't want to know!

One step forward, two giant steps back!