Newcomer in Pain

[25yearsmlc]

Larry,

Your sitch is not that unusual. My friend left her 60 y/o h for another man (that was 2 relationships ago, btw) about 18 months ago and b/c her h had his business from home, he stayed with the kids and she moved out. She IS around a lot, to her credit. She also finally figured out that having her "new special friend" around the kids was uncool. She was just clueless and btw, I knew she was going to leave him and had good reasons at the time. Since then, I've seen him change a lot. Yesterday at a basketball game my daughter and theirs plays at, she (the wife) told me she misses her h, b/c he is her best friend...wth?? Who knows? She also said she feels like she has a lot to go to confession for (that came out of nowhere...)...

I know her H is "acting younger" and getting his gray hair back to its' old color and he is in good shape for his age. Plays with the kids, etc. They are all fairly friendly to each other in public, but I don't know where it'll lead. Just that it's better and she does acknowledge his value to her. My "guess" is that as money matters materalize and her Rs with the OM evaporate, she may well return.

As a mom, there is NOTHING stronger in me than maternal concern for the kids. Be as interactive with them as possible. She will notice this. It will matter. Spend time with them and when she's not around, know that the kids will tell her how much fun they had with you. NO woman is unmoved by seeing the father of her children loving them. To me, seeing my h play with the kids is almost like foreplay. He was always just toooo busy with work.

Your wife's OM (IF it's an affair, IF IF IF...) well, he has no children and has never married......sorry, but can I gloat with glee for just one minute??....YAHOO!! There. I'm better. It's just that childless men in their late 30's, have NO idea what round the clock child care is like.....ummmm, talk about a mood killer. Not to mention what your wife will think when the kids get on his nerves, or God forbid, he tries to correct or discipline them.....yikes!! Hey, there's a silver lining to each gray cloud.

Most A's last 6 months...your wife is caught up in her "real love" and if your sex life has been lacking a bit, she may feel it's her last chance at being physcally intimate...
So for awhile, she is recapturing her youth, grabbing the last vestiges of passion in her life, etc. But oops....With the kids and the whole caboodle, I doubt it'll last that long.

Now, IF YOU can do anything to improve on the intimacy end of things (sorry to be blunt, but if sex has become an issue, as it will with ALL men someday, there is Viagra and stuff like that. IF it were me, even without a M problem, I'd want lots of it...just not ready to throw in THAT towel yet, thank you very much). Heck, I want my h to order some now JUST IN CASE "we" need it someday and it goes off the market later....(half kidding, just half...)

What changes are YOU making in your life to GAL? That is the only thing you control, and your time with the kids---make that a huge priority. Do Not concede anything about child custody, anything....get a L asap and if there's dirty work to be done, let the L do it, not you. Don't worry, I thnk you have a little time. Just be with those kids, upbeat, physically active in some visibly different way. Do you need to color your hair? dress more "updated"? Stuff like that. And be "going places too."
You know, meeting interesting people, doing exciting things, going to fascinating places. Can you take a vacation alone for a few short days, or a longer one WITH the kids and not her? I went to an extreme but wth? Our 25th anniversary was coming and I was NOT going to hanging around hoping for roses.....so the kids and I planned a trip to Italy, and even the planning was so enjoyable. We took the trip and have such great memories and I learned how much fun I could have as a single woman. Nothing there reminded me of H and the kids learned that WE could be a family without H, and have a great time without him too...later on I learned how much it bugged him. It was only a few months later his attitude about what HE was willing to change, started to shine through....so I guess, time will tell. Either way, the trip was the best thing I've done for myself, maybe ever. That and dBing. I know we'd be divorced without this place and even if somehow, I end up divorced anyhow, I'm so much better prepared as a s partner.

Good luck, you are new to this and it takes more time and patience than you know you have. I'm moving in 2 weeks to JOIN my h, with our d10 3000 miles away. She is officially excited, and our older two will both be in college this fall. I've been throught the ringer the past 2 years but I know that I can make it without h, if I have to. I just prefer to see what a new, fresh M with him will bring. Long story. But I find peace knowing I've given it my best shot, HE is a lucky man and if I can succeed in letting this go, and he can, and he can demonstrate the importance his family has vs. his job, then maybe this is what it took.

At some point though, I think the detaching from everything my h was doing, helped me and him. I started making MY plans for life without hm, not having to consider His career and wants, and just mine. Maybe teach a year in Italy, with d10 and the older kids in college could visit. They were all up for it. Boy did that bug him. But what could he say? He knew I'd get custody since He left....hello??
I also, truly began to see the positives of my uninvited freedom. I was forced to. And there are positives...and then perhaps is when H began to see the costs of his choices, the down side of being soooo freeeeee and soooo without his chiildren or best friend. I was a good confidante, but I was far away, thanks to HIS choices...

It ain't over Larry. Come here and vent and don't show her your anger. Every time you challenge her choices, you force her to defend them, instead of really looking at them. Are you open to a reconcilition? Assuming yes, then Keep the road home paved and smooth and stop the recriminations... it does not mean be a doormat. Just maintain your dignity, and don't lose your temper in front of her. much much easier said than done. But if I had spewed out all the anger at my H's selfishness that I felt and that he probably did deserve, I doubt we'd be in reconciliation. But at times, I felt this was Mother Teresa stuff.

Read up on Faithisbelieving's thread sometime. Or Was2sad, or FaithfulH, and many many others. They have been through a lot and has maintained strength and honor throughout. It's inspiring and as a woman, helps me to know there are men like that out there. You'll meet them here.

BTW, is your wife showing any other weird signs, like suddenly dressing younger, listening to younger music, etc? The more of that, the more likely she's in her mid-life crisis phase....some of this matters, some of it is just good to try and wrap your brain around. Also, no matter what she's in, she will revise your marital history A LOT....don't get sucked in. Just read (Divorce Remedy was better in my opinion, more suggestions applicable, fyi) and use those answers of "Sorry you feel that way about it. I recall it differently" NOT to disagree in general, but sometimes their delusions do go too far and gentle reminders that you were actually present do help, My h seemed honest when he recalled things that just were not accurate. I feel like he was insane for over a year with periodic episodes of the old him. Now he's more like he was, but VERY interested in our day to day lives b/c he misses us. He craves us being together again. Sadly, thanks to his past 2 years away. he has missed our d18's last 2 years at home, never to be returned. She and I are close, but she'll never feel quite the same about her dad. But then, all I can do is encourage whatever they can re-build b/c in the end, it isn't about what HE deserves, it's about what's best for our children.
(( hugs )) ((sigh for the idiot spouses who leave without exhausting every other avenue and still put themselves first...)

SO many good guys on these boards will help you. You are in the right place. If you don't pray to GOd or your higher power, or whatever, as I didn't much before all this, you may want to start. I "used" my prayers to stay calm before any contact with h to prevent my spewing to him about his selfishness.....it also helped me to keep from letting the anger and pain consume ME and ruin MY life. And I began to GAL...no matter what else happens, GAL is a good thing. Set some goals, little ones for now. And start your list of things you'd like to do if you weren't freaking out about your wife with another man....and then start doing some of them.
j-