Newcomer in Pain

[NikB]

Larry - Ahh pretty area (San Juan Capistrano). Too bad you aren't closer, I was thinking you and my dad are in such similar sitches and might have fun GALing a bit together (or at least commiserating).

GAL actually helps with regaining that balance. Sometimes you have to "fake it til you make it," but it does help.

Detaching is by far the hardest thing. It's more about detaching emotionally than physical distance, so just keep at it even with your office being there.

Yeah my H moved back after 3 months, although in hindsight it was a mistake and too soon. We're back on the rollercoaster now. I still have a lot of hope for us, but wish we'd taken more time apart and detached more fully (I know how crazy that sounds when you're so early in your own sitch).

You're really right to expect it to take a long time, glad you have that in mind already.

[GainingStrength]

Nikki

So, how much time should you have been separated, and why would more detachment have been good? (I'm still a novice at dbing.) Tnx for your help.

P.S., what is the exact meaning of "piecing"? Is it piecing your marriage back together? And what does PW mean? I couldn't find it in the list of abbreviations. (You can see I'm a real newbie)

[NikB]

Hey Larry,

Thanks for emailing! Hopefully you'll hear from my dad soon, still having to coax him (he's pretty shy).

How much time? I don't really know. Enough for H to know he wanted to recommit, and me to know I wanted him. Not sure what that might've been. Then again, I see that people go through this after reconciling no matter how long it seems like - so maybe I'm wrong. I definitely think it's a mistake to chase something you're committed to unless the other person says they are for sure, though.

Detachment.. I'm slowly learning that you should ALWAYS be detached in a healthy R - even in a healthy M. Sure you're more considerate of each other as a couple when you are acting as a couple, but you should always be self-sufficient, too (again.. still learning that so don't think I have it mastered!). I feel like it's developing a state of mind where you're fine no matter what - the person in your life is a bonus, but you're good with or without them.

Piecing is basically "putting our marriage back together one piece at a time." I haven't been here long enough to know but my guess is it used to be "reconciling" and someone realized it was a helluva lot more complicated than that.

PW is a kinda "personal" abbreviation so don't feel bad! "OW" is the generic for "other woman." Many of us have variations on it.. i.e. SDFoundGirl has "LW" which is "LetterWoman," the woman her H was writing love letters to but never (as far as anyone knows) had a full out affair with. Mine is "PW" for "Problematic Woman." Reason being I'm fairly certain she's just a skanky woman who happens to work with H and is messing with his head, but I don't think she's a true OW in terms of him dating her. Might's well be, but Oldtimer suggested long ago I call her PW instead of OW and it kinda stuck.

[indybyathread]

Nikki,

I like PW. Think I might steal that if you don't mind! Certainly seems to fit the interloper in my sitch.

[GainingStrength]

Nikki - Tnx for the info. That must be some skanky evil woman.

I'm feeling a little low because I just saw my W off. She's going to "a birthday party in LA with a lot of people", including the OM, in a limo. I agreed to stay at the house with my 8-year old D (S is with his grandparents) while the W goes out. Of course the bad thing is I'm baby sitting for my W while she's on a date. The good thing is I was cheerful, didn't interrogate and told her to have a good time. Also, I get to have a date with my daughter. I do wish my W didn't find it necessary to wear the Nordstrom dress I gave her for her 40th birthday. Anyway, I'm hanging in there, still DBing.

[sandi2]

Hi, I can kind of identify with your W. Do you think she may be having MLC? You said you had a problem turning 60 and I noticed her age....plus now she is interested in a man younger than her. Has she given you any other reasons except you have not filled her emotional needs? It seems there should be more to all of this.

I have gone through similar sit and my husband is 4 years older than me. Whenever I looked at him, it reminded me that we were not so young anymore and it was hard for me to cope. It was very flattering when younger men would come on to me. I was vulnerable to their lies and flirtation.

How old was she when you married her?

[GainingStrength]

Sandi - Yes, I think MLC has something to do with it. Also, she is scared of me getting older. She was 24 when we got married.

[NikB]

Indy - sure thing! It works for me.

Larry - yeah she's pretty nasty. In some ways it makes it easier because she's such a predator and I've seen her do this so many times.. I think I'd have a harder time if she was some really great, good hearted person, if that makes any sense. (then again.. those people are rarely involved with married people unless they don't know)

Sorry you're feeling down, that's tough. Sounds like you had a great attitude though. Good job!! My dad and I did "date nights" all the time when I was growing up and we still do, sometimes. It's a great tradition you're starting (or continuing).

[ItsKat]

*little highjack here*
Nikki- for a while I thought PW in your sitch meant Poodle Woman!

Larry- Sorry last night was rough for you, but just know you are doing the right thing. Nikki makes a great point about starting/continuing traditions with you kids.

[NikB]

Poodle woman works too...