NikkiB #18

[NikB]

Thanks all for your posts. Lots to think about there.

Donna
I know, it just blows me away.. H is so adament about people treating him (and me) with respect, but it all goes out the window when this PW is around. He is still checking into other jobs, so I'm hoping!!

Please don't beat yourself up too much. I feel like an idiot for soo much of what went on too, but it really isn't our fault. We were naive, but not idiots.

Thanks for the offer to call! I'll journal more in a minute, ended up not going much of anywhere.

Dave
Hmmm.. interesting thought. I'm still holding out to see what MC brings, but I will keep that idea in mind. I think it would be better to tell him what I'm doing rather than wait for him to notice (seems a little, as OT would say, 'indirect' otherwise).. but I'll think about that.

Sunny
haha... notes on what NOT to do I hope? I'm kidding... doing some things well and some not so well.. sure is tougher than I thought though. Good point, there is NO reason for me to deal with her. The only reason would be to make things better for H (removing the 'conflict') and I know from eperience that's not gonna work for me at all.

Indy
Yeah, if I do that it would need to be calmly. We already have a decent split on chores, so I'd have to really think that through. About the only different thing would probably be laundry.

Thegoodfight
I hadn't even thought that about the boyfriend thing being a ploy. What's so weird is I don't even think she wants an R with my H, she just wants to keep messing with him. She has a whole 'harem' (or whatever the male word would be) of men she keeps around her, and she seriously seems to enjoy just messing with them and keeping the drama going. H even recognized this last year, told me at one point he was afraid of becoming "one of her friends" because they are all lonely and D'd and miserable. I mentioned this just post bomb and he doesn't remember saying this at all, says he would never say that about her.

I think you may be right, I'm really torn between putting the pressure on as Dave/Indy suggest, vs. making being with me the better alternative (while staying true to myself, of course). Agreed, I don't think he's processed it all.

As to your questions... hmmm... as for shying away from affection I'm not sure I can answer that. 95% of the time I really crave the affection and am glad to get it. The other times that I don't want it are when I am really hurt or angry - and it wouldn't be a mystery to H at all, it happens when I am so upset that I'm definitely not hiding it. Same kinda goes for doing things on my own, I just need to get away to clear my head when I'm really hurt or mad. I very much enjoy doing things with my H most of the time, though (when he's acting like his normal self).

I haven't gotten an ILY in awhile. Got some sincere ones during the 6 weeks or so where things were good and he wasn't contacting her, but then things kinda changed. I was still saying them, but getting a very non-emotional "love you too" back, or worse, "You shouldn't love me." Made it pretty clear to me that it was bothering him to hear it so I stopped saying it. I would absolutely love to hear it again. So I don't know that I can help with that part of your question too much. As to saying that you are being "weird" she's probably sensing some distance between you two, and is commenting on that. I can often "feel" that something is off but can't put my finger on what it is or why... so she's probably doing the same. Just a guess though.

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Some journaling...

Had an OK day yesterday. I wanted to make it better but I was sooo tired I just couldn't. It was also kind of funny, I hung out here til H and his friend got home and then went out to get my car washed/waxed (wanted some time to myself). Planned to also do a little shopping, maybe go hang out at the park - just get out awhile. Not 10 minutes after I left, H called to tell me his friend's W was coming over to hang out with me. Huh??? I really like her and all that but I just thought that was odd. H knew I planned to go out in the afternoon so it almost felt like a way to control me or something (although I realize that could be completely off base). May have been H being nice too... inviting a friend over for me to hang out with since he was working in the garage all day. Who knows. He wanted to know how soon I'd be home so I could have lunch with them. I told him I had JUST left and had things to do but I'd be home in awhile. I finished getting my car done, did some grocery shopping..didn't hurry back but still came back sooner than I intended.

Hung out with our friends all afternoon and they ended up staying until almost midnight, so my plans to get out last night didn't really materialize. Had fun visiting, though.

Finally got enough sleep, so today is looking much brighter!!