NikkiB #18

[NikB]

Couple more snippets I remembered from last night that I just have to vent about, and then gonna go try and do something to get my mind off all this. (or maybe find a nice park to take a nap in, I am exhausted).

The text convo between H and PW was gross. I didn't read any of it but I asked H what it was about - probably shouldn't have but I was sitting here feeling so stupid and I at least wanted to know if they're sitting there talking about me "behind my back" so to speak. He didn't tell me all of it (probably most of it) but did tell me that "She knew you were in the room and asked if you were ok with us texting." (again.. WTF???)

When I got pissed and went and laid on the couch he apparently texted her "She found out it was you" and got no reply back. THAT was the comment he had to clarify later - told me "She already feels like dirt because you don't like her, so I shouldn't have said that. It probably upset her." That was when he asked "permission" to text her back - which wasn't really a question anyway - so he texted her later "Sorry I shouldn't have said that. Still friends?" She immediately texts back "Friends." (which H oddly tells me is "shorthand" - for what?? I have no idea.) Yuck, just yuck.

Also while we were talking H brought up that "She thought now that she has her boyfriend maybe we could all hang out again, and you two would be ok." (or something to that effect). He phrased it as coming from her but I am fairly sure he was testing the waters to see my response. I said "He!! no, I finally got away from that. I spent all last year letting her tear me down. I don't hang out with people who are that disrespectful to me repeatedly." [in hindsight what a funny comment given H's total lack of respect towards me right now huh?? ] H said "Well she sometimes comes across that way but she doesn't mean to. I try to see the good in people." Yeah... whatever.

I desparately wanted to follow up with "If having an H AND boyfriend before didn't stop her from whoring around why would having a NEW boyfriend be any different?" But I didn't. My guess is the answer would've been "Well this guy's not married so he's really her boyfriend." (he said something to that effect before). But again.. didn't go there.

Ok...

Enough thinking, talking, and dwelling on that worthless piece of trash. Thanks for letting me vent.

[NikB]

Just in case this one locks up, here's my next thread:

NikkiB #19

Thank you all again. I don't know what I'd do without all of your help and support.

[Reincarnated]

Nikki--
I don't get how any H thinks we can be friends with the PW. They have to be out of their minds. My H has continually brought up how I wasn't nice to her, excluded her because of all the kids she has, etc.
One of the convos we had about this woman (last summer?) was, how can you be friends with someone who so clearly doesn't like me? I even had her over to my house to talk to her about it. I was an idiot.

No, there is nothing wrong with you drawing this line. I was really hoping that he was going to follow up on that other job he was looking at...

At some point, he is going to realize that he either wants to be friends with this woman, OR be happily married to you. It is not going to work both ways.

Are you going to find a place to stay tonight? Call if you need to...

[C_K]

Nikki

I wish I had some decent advice for you. I guarantee that one day your H will realise what an idiot he is because deep down he is a good guy but his behaviour in this is intollerable.
I think there is only one suggestion I can make and thats to send him to the naughty corner.
This is entirely my opinion and if you choose to do it will be very hard but you need to "act as if" but also withdraw priveliges. You will need to detach some doing this and it may get ugly for a bit .
Stop being his wife , treat him like a lodger , dont do his washing or other stuff you might do. When he calls you on this , and he will , tell him while he has inappropriate contact with OW then he clearly does not value you as his wife and you are no longer prepared to act as his wife in the circumstances.

Anyway just an idea and its a bit radical , would take determination as well and is not without risk .

Dave

[SunnySeason]

Hi Nikki,

I've been following along & have to agree w/Dave.

Just a comment about something you said;

I finally got away from that. I spent all last year letting her tear me down. I don't hang out with people who are that disrespectful to me repeatedly." [in hindsight what a funny comment given H's total lack of respect towards me right now huh??

The difference is that it appears your H still has remnants of alien behavior & you have to deal with it b/c you want to be married to him. That other clueless, classless, misdirected piece of work only serves to undermine your M & you don't need to hang out with her.

I know you'll figure out the best way to proceed. I've been following much of how you have so far & taking notes.

Sunny

[indybyathread]

Gotta say I like Dave's idea too. Let him know calmly that you feel yourself getting angry when you do things for him in the role of wife (under present circumstances) and, to prevent yourself from becoming increasingly resentful, you are going to ask him to take care of his own household needs. You could even suggest that you split up certain chores or sections of the house. You don't have to make it about him and his behaviors unless he asks why you don't feel like being in that role anymore.

[thegoodfight]

Nikki,

Also I wanted to mention, that I read he stopped with her for 6 weeks and is now talking more. Chances are this Boyfriend of hers is a ploy to lure him back, only he can figure that out, but it is clear this is a desperate move by her.

I don't justify him falling back into the routine at all. You have needs that aren't being met, but unless you re focus and start giving reasons verbal and noverbal as to why what you guys have is so much better than the other, than I fear he will slip.

Mostly because I don't believe he has processed this very well and needs some time. Let me also say it appears you have given alot to make it work and I do admire the efforts you put forth.

Let me ask a question, since I am kind of in the same boat as your hubby minus the fact I don't communicate at all with the former OW. Why is it the LBS shy's away from affection and seems to be more interested in doing their own thing than doing things together?

Last how do you break it. For instance I say I love you to my W. she will say it back, if I say I miss you she will say it back. If I don't say it within a couple of conversations, she comments "you seem weird today?" Then she says not mean just weird, she is referring to me not calling or showing verbal affection. What do you make of that?

[NikB]

Thanks all for your posts. Lots to think about there.

Donna
I know, it just blows me away.. H is so adament about people treating him (and me) with respect, but it all goes out the window when this PW is around. He is still checking into other jobs, so I'm hoping!!

Please don't beat yourself up too much. I feel like an idiot for soo much of what went on too, but it really isn't our fault. We were naive, but not idiots.

Thanks for the offer to call! I'll journal more in a minute, ended up not going much of anywhere.

Dave
Hmmm.. interesting thought. I'm still holding out to see what MC brings, but I will keep that idea in mind. I think it would be better to tell him what I'm doing rather than wait for him to notice (seems a little, as OT would say, 'indirect' otherwise).. but I'll think about that.

Sunny
haha... notes on what NOT to do I hope? I'm kidding... doing some things well and some not so well.. sure is tougher than I thought though. Good point, there is NO reason for me to deal with her. The only reason would be to make things better for H (removing the 'conflict') and I know from eperience that's not gonna work for me at all.

Indy
Yeah, if I do that it would need to be calmly. We already have a decent split on chores, so I'd have to really think that through. About the only different thing would probably be laundry.

Thegoodfight
I hadn't even thought that about the boyfriend thing being a ploy. What's so weird is I don't even think she wants an R with my H, she just wants to keep messing with him. She has a whole 'harem' (or whatever the male word would be) of men she keeps around her, and she seriously seems to enjoy just messing with them and keeping the drama going. H even recognized this last year, told me at one point he was afraid of becoming "one of her friends" because they are all lonely and D'd and miserable. I mentioned this just post bomb and he doesn't remember saying this at all, says he would never say that about her.

I think you may be right, I'm really torn between putting the pressure on as Dave/Indy suggest, vs. making being with me the better alternative (while staying true to myself, of course). Agreed, I don't think he's processed it all.

As to your questions... hmmm... as for shying away from affection I'm not sure I can answer that. 95% of the time I really crave the affection and am glad to get it. The other times that I don't want it are when I am really hurt or angry - and it wouldn't be a mystery to H at all, it happens when I am so upset that I'm definitely not hiding it. Same kinda goes for doing things on my own, I just need to get away to clear my head when I'm really hurt or mad. I very much enjoy doing things with my H most of the time, though (when he's acting like his normal self).

I haven't gotten an ILY in awhile. Got some sincere ones during the 6 weeks or so where things were good and he wasn't contacting her, but then things kinda changed. I was still saying them, but getting a very non-emotional "love you too" back, or worse, "You shouldn't love me." Made it pretty clear to me that it was bothering him to hear it so I stopped saying it. I would absolutely love to hear it again. So I don't know that I can help with that part of your question too much. As to saying that you are being "weird" she's probably sensing some distance between you two, and is commenting on that. I can often "feel" that something is off but can't put my finger on what it is or why... so she's probably doing the same. Just a guess though.

----------------
Some journaling...

Had an OK day yesterday. I wanted to make it better but I was sooo tired I just couldn't. It was also kind of funny, I hung out here til H and his friend got home and then went out to get my car washed/waxed (wanted some time to myself). Planned to also do a little shopping, maybe go hang out at the park - just get out awhile. Not 10 minutes after I left, H called to tell me his friend's W was coming over to hang out with me. Huh??? I really like her and all that but I just thought that was odd. H knew I planned to go out in the afternoon so it almost felt like a way to control me or something (although I realize that could be completely off base). May have been H being nice too... inviting a friend over for me to hang out with since he was working in the garage all day. Who knows. He wanted to know how soon I'd be home so I could have lunch with them. I told him I had JUST left and had things to do but I'd be home in awhile. I finished getting my car done, did some grocery shopping..didn't hurry back but still came back sooner than I intended.

Hung out with our friends all afternoon and they ended up staying until almost midnight, so my plans to get out last night didn't really materialize. Had fun visiting, though.

Finally got enough sleep, so today is looking much brighter!!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I'm really sorry for the stressful weekend.

I really think that although it seemed horrible, you still had H saying he wanted to work on it. That is still a good thing. Plus the fact that he wants to go to C. He's got a problem, and for him to admit that he has a problem and is willing to go to a C about it is still a big step. I'm sure the reason he keeps saying he's not good enough is because of his guilt. Who knows what has happened. Maybe nothing. I think being prepared for that- when you are ready- would be a wise thing to do.

Nikki, I know this is really tough, but you really need to detach again. And please don't move out of the house. If you need to, have a little vacation. you don't even need to tell H your staying in town. What happened to that house sitting? Can you still do that?

I don't know if this will help or not, but think about how difficult it probably was for H to try and "break up" with you in the first place. I mean, if it was easy, it would have been quick, but it was a long drawn out sitch going on last year. Well, now he's "suppose" to "break up" with someone else. I'm sure part of him wants to, but between his "addiction" and guilt of hurting her too is just something he is avoiding. I know it's not an excuse, but we have to realize that it is not an easy thing for them to do.

Focus on taking care of yourself this week. Take a break from all the thinking. hope to hear a good post next.

[SuperDad]

Nikki,
Sorry to see that things aren't going easier for you. I can only say that it appears that you may need to refocus on YOU! How is your GALing going?

Also, have you been asking yourself "what will bring me closer to my goals?" when dealing with these issues? I find this to be a very helpful thought process. Sometimes, you will also realize that your goals need to be revised for your changing sitch.

Hope this gets you thinking about ways to break out of this stalemate.

SD