Limboland part 4

[bookpusher]

That last post seemed very childish. I am struggling with something and I am not sure what. Does that make sense? H is very much no contact. I want to do something that makes him contact me - good or bad, temper tantrum or guilt producing. This is not right and I know it but I feel like he is gone, I miss him and may never talk to him again. It seems like everyone else here has some contact. Nothing from him since Mother's Day. <sigh>


I have been thinking over my M and what the scenes that always stuck in my head. These are ones that I should have handled differently. Maybe writing them down will erase them.

*time not long after M, I just planted tomatoes. H and best friend are walking past them. BF says "BP do you know what those tomatoes are for?". I say "sauces, pastes". He turns to H and says "She does know!". What am I an idiot???? I think and feel put on the spot.

I should have said "Yes, I do know. Why do you feel I am not intelligent enough to know?"


*Redoing kitchen. Everything needs to come out..sink, carpet (yes, we bought house with carpet in kitchen), etc. H decides to go to work and I end up doing it all by myself. I am proud that I can do the heavy stuff but....

I should have said "H, when can you take off so WE can do the job"

*H throws party and takes tons of pictures (summer before he left). I am in none except when it is a group picture and he couldn't avoid me. Tons of other pics of the other women there. I said nothing.

I should have said "I feel like you are avoiding taking pics of me, yet you are photoing all the other women there. Why?"


*I paint the ceiling of the kitchen and walls. H brings friend over and H's friend proceeds to criticize the job I did on the ceiling, H says nothing. It wasn't a bad job but you could see a few streaks when you looked closely, in the sunlight. I joked along with them but felt very hurt that H wasn't sticking up for me.

I should have said "I am feeling very critized here. Why are you feeling the need to tear down my work?"

I guess what I need to discover on this part of my journey, is that I am worth something. I shouldn't take criticism and just lie there or joke along. What I do is valuable, even if it not perfect. I always bought one of the least expensive meals if we went out and seldom bought new clothes for me, relying on bday money from dad for money for them. I don't want to be a mememeememe person but I want to discover a balance. When it is alright to buy new shoes or dress or treat myself to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. DD has to come first a lot but sometimes, it is ok to say "you will have to wait while I do this."