PS: why and how is your husband not "letting you"? come back? is the house in both of your names, or just his? was it bought before, or after, you were married?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I would simply go home. I would not even tell him, I would just do it. If he wants out of the marriage, let him move out. It is your house too, unless it is in his name only, so you are free to live there. If you wait, that may not be the case-depending on your state's laws. I do not know exactly how he is preventing you from doing a 180. You do have to speak with him about certain things, but that should not prevent you from doing a 180. I do not know if there are other factors that you may have left out, but nothing should prevent you from doing it. Do not let your husband take all the power in the relationship. You can do it!!
Don't lose hope! More than anything, it may help to recognize that nothing your husband is saying right now is written in stone. Yes, he sounds sure of himself, it all sounds so final, he doesn't want to work on anything, it's all over.... but remember that he was in love with you when he married you, and love doesn't go away so easily. If he were totally easy in his mind, he wouldn't have to yell.
If he's fighting with you on the phone, you can always 180 by avoiding his calls. You've got it right: he won't give you a chance to redeem yourself, because he wants a fight. I think that you might have better luck if you let him simmer down before you talk to him again. I don't think that you'll be ready to deal with his anger until you are yourself a little calmer. Time is what you need. The hardest part always seems to be gathering enough patience to work your way through this.
As unhappy as you are--does he sound any happier? He's probably saying hurtful things, but there's a good chance he regrets them, or will regret them. Try not to dwell on what he's saying--and better yet, don't give him an opportunity to say it.
You CAN change his mind, but you can't expect to do it quickly or to see instant results.
Right now, you can work on you. Try to do things that will calm some of the anxiety--exercise--or skim through some of the other threads here--read the success stories--journal your thoughts.
Delia gave very good advice. It is extremely difficult to deal with this type of situation. When you talk to him be as brief as possible. I have been telling my children to answer the phone when they are around and my husband calls-thank God for caller id. Sometimes there is something I need to discuss, but when I need to I get to the point and then get off the phone as quickly as possible. I do not know if he is taking this as me being bitchy or moving on or whatever, but for right now it is all I can do. He knows the way I feel and that I will welcome him if he changes his mind, so I think it is futile to tell him again and again. I cannot change his mind, only he can. But I can act in a way that causes him to rethink his decision and change his mind. Does it absolutely suck? Yes. Is it painful? Yes. But it is all I can do right now. You can do it to. I think a 180 seems like one of the scariest things we can do, but there comes a time when it is all we can do to save ourselves. Good luck!
After a rough start this weekend, I was finally able to start my version of a 180. I have seen some positive results, baby steps right, I have to remember that! I have not called him, we have been in contact by email though. I hope to have more fight free, stress free days with him. As for everyone who wants to know my whole story, there are alot of things that got us where we are, mine and his fault, I know this and so does he. I really dont feel the need to post it all. I want to focus on the positive right now. I can tell you that letting me come home means, I wanted him to want me to come home, but I now know that begging him wasnt working. So thats my progress so far, I still have alot of work ahead of me and I really appreciate everyones words of encouragement!
You don't beg, you just do! Your home is your daughter's home too. What do they have to say about being taken away from there? Or, did you leave them behind?
As for the 180 ... good for you in trying! But, you don't need to allow your H to goad you into an argument if you don't want to. If he starts yelling, calmly tell him that you will not argue with him, and walk away. If he sends you nasty email, don't respond. It's all a matter of choice - you choose and control your own behaviour. It's a lesson I had to learn in my own life, so I know how you feel, and how difficult it is to change.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Focusing on the positive is exactly what you should be doing. You won't always be able to manage it, so do it when you can.
If you're E-mailing your husband, I'd even try to keep your E-mails brief and upbeat, very positive.
You don't see the problems in your marriage as being all H's fault, or all your fault either, and that's a good place to start. Hope you're checking into the recommended books!
I this is a hard road...I am checking your earlier posts...I too am trying to reconcile. Some days are great and others miserable. I don't know if anyone has told you this...but try to take some time out for yourself to think. That is what I am trying to do now...
Shiloh
Married 8/2000 EA 11/2007 Divorced 4/2007 No Children
I love my ex-husband...but i dont know how to get our life back....
As hard as it may seem filing is not the end. It is only filing. And the WAH statement is not true. Do you know what the divorce law is in your state? Where I am there is a 120 day cooling off period for starters where nothing happens after filing. Plus the filing can be canceled or postponed. This is a long process and you can practice DB techniques. With kids and property issues this can take a long time.
He may have just wanted to lash out and take action. For some they want to do something, show you it is real. Is it real? Did you get a petiton or where served? Would it help if you moved home? Did he take you leaving as you were done? Does he see your family as interfering?
This is the 3rd time my H has moved out. The first in dec/jan 03/04 he was back in 6 weeks. The next in spring of 05, gone 10 weeks. This round harder, left May 1st 07, and wants to file. Never got this close before. I have seen my own therapist thru this and we have gone joint counseling and I just found out thru our insurance, he is back to the therapist he had alone, and we saw joint. I am telling you this as not all spouses who leave don't come back. Not wishing this move in, move out on anyone. Just saying that because they leave they won't come back. Mine was depressed, some MLC, unhappy etc. I have done all the don't and all the do's. On advice of my therapist we may file jointly pro se. Keep him away from a lawyer. Then we will have 4 months for him to hopefully reconsider and miss me. I am afraid, but nothing else to lose at this point. You have things you can do. Read DR and Hang in there this is really hard!
