Light on the horizon

[BeingMe]

Good grief, Phoenix, that was such a small vent, that it was barely noticeable. Go to my thread to see what real venting is all about! Hahaha!!!

Yeah, I got that your W was rather defensive and martyr-like way back when .... I hope she overcomes it 'cause it can be passed down to the children. Life is just too short to be constantly trying to defend yourself against those who mean you no harm, and constantly reminding everyone of how much you have sacrificed, and how hard you work. Oy, makes me tired just thinking about it.

Okay, I'm being a little mean. It's late, and I need some sleep. The weekend awaits my undivided attention. Actually, I'm up because my D14 and I just watched an awesome movie, Miss Potter. So cute, and sweet, and the perfect movie to watch before going to bed.

Take care.

[WCW]

hhmm, someone who likes to be praised for what they do followed with liking someone else to do it for them. Ha! maybe that's me!

Just rambling here...does your W get enough pamper time? time for just her to do what she wants? with a 'big' family and her FT job is she feeling used and abused by having to do it all? I know that's not true and you do a bunch around the place but what is her perception? Surprise her with a gift certificate for a massage or a pedicure or do a wholehog spa thingy. Would she use it and appreciate it?

I do sense more restlessness and 'got to see some change' in you Phoenix. You've come a long way here, you know it won't snap your fingers and happen overnight. Patience my friend.

[Phoenix_spark]

Your both right in a lot of ways. W, as you can guess, likes to be both high in expectations and the best at things. So, Ks tend to be, "well what's the use, it won't be good enough". Also, they pick up real good on the martyr thing and can wear it as good as her. So essentially Ks usually won't do much, but are "wounded" if you call them out on it.

Mommy time? Let's see, sports twice a week with girls from church. Scrapbooking once a week. Lunch and parties with co-workers, check. Trips to Costco by herself, check. Mommy and Daddy trips away to baseball games, check. Participating in plays and chiors, check. But then she complains about being too busy and not enough sleep. Go figure.

For her BD we have bought her manicures/pedicures. However what she came back with was not usually age appropriate, so I stopped that. She is the best dressed in the family, only D16 comes close, but still well past her. Never in my life did I ever think I would have to debate in my mind if I should talk to my wife about age appropriate or modest enough clothes. Needless to say D16s clothes push the edge more than it should.

Just the other day D5 kind of caught me off guard. She came over, hoped up on my lap and said "Daddy, I love you the most, even more than Mommy". Even though I was glad to hear that I was very concerned about how I should respond to that. The best I could come back with was, "Daddy loves all his family very much", then gave her a big hug. I really don't want my kids to have to choose and I don't want to put down on W. I felt joy and sadness in that event.

Any how girls, I have tried to be very good to my W over the years. How anyone could feel short changed after all I have done for her, is beyond me. Like yourself WCW, I do see some good responses sometimes, but I'm very tired of being treated like something that has been "settle for". I miss the things that W use to do for me when we were dating because she wanted to be with me or missed me when I wasn't there. Now it's more like if she could just figure out how to get my paycheck and get rid of me things would be just fine for her. Unfortunately, in this day and time, that's pretty much standard practice. We have a guy at work who has M and D so many times we tell him he would have been better off just buying his girlfriends a house and moving on, since that is usually how it ends.

Perhaps I wouldn't be so bent about this, but W was seeing OM, had OM working on our house, while we were buying and moving into our house. Now a days W says that were never moving out of this house, she is never moving again. So, what do you think her plan was. Even though OM seems out of the picture, I don't think W has any intension of ever moving. So let's see, where does that put me. In some ways I am struggling daily to keep a desire to have a close R with kids. With what W has looming over my head in the cards, why bother. I'll pay for them, just never enjoy them.

Recently I was at some friends house and the W made a good observation. She said that her impression of me is that," I give it all now and will do anything for W and Ks. However, your not the type to stick around once it's over." I had to admit, she was right. All my R with GFs growing up, I was into the R till it was over. Then, I would walk away and never really look back. I was not a patch it up type of guy. There was never an "on again, off again" R.

She said that she had said that to my W. "If you plan on calling it quits with PS, don't plan on him being there facilitate your choice, he will move on". So needless to say, somedays I don't have a problem with things being a little rough on W. She thinks it's tough now, just wait till you go for D.

Now that I've thrown that out there, let me say this. I do still love W and I'll do what I can to make her happy. But I don't know how long I can let her beat me down. As you all know it's tough being in a spot, not knowing if W is your friend or enemy. With some of the garbage that goes on in this world, I'm surprised when I wake up some morning next to W without something buried in my heart or head.

Just had to lay it out there a bit so I can get to sleep. Sorry my DB friends have to hear these trials. On a positive note, I'm going with S14 on a camping trip. One week of no DB trials, should be good. Hopefully the house and family will be intact when I get home, no surprise paperwork.

Wish me luck.

[BeingMe]

Sorry my DB friends have to hear these trials.

This is why we are here .... to support each other, listen, and where you can vent in a safe environment.

There is no point in having an on again, off again R, so I would agree that once it is over, that that is how it should remain when it's just bf/gf stuff. However, when there are many years invested in a M, with children, then I also see no harm in revisiting the possibilities of reconciliation, even after D. IMO!

Sounds like your W lives a full, and interesting life, so one has to wonder why the affairs, why the dissatisfaction??? Perhaps she is too much the princess, too spoilt, or just not seeing all her blessings and having gratitude in her heart??? Maybe, she does need a D, for her to ultimately see what is right there in front of her face. Maybe, she does need to lose it all, to know what she has. But, I guess that's God's perogative to teach her the lesson, while you, the LBS, should choose to do the right by your M vows, and your children.

It is a difficult thing, this piecing, isn't it, Phoenix!? One does have to be patient, but I often wonder if I will be on my deathbed still being patient (excuse the unintended pun), and how I would feel then, if my H never truly came back all the way into the M. I guess we will know when it's the right time to walk away, when patience will not win the war, only the odd battle.

We had some interesting lessons today at church ... on the holy ghost, revelation, and missionary work. They all seemed to work into my pondering on my M, the general direction of my life, and so on. Lots of food for thought.

Take care.

[NikB]

Wow PS...

I do see some good responses sometimes, but I'm very tired of being treated like something that has been "settled for".

Took the words / thoughts right out of my mouth.

Sorry that you're having a rough time.

[Phoenix_spark]

Yes, I tend to think long and hard, then get it off my chest. Doing better today. Beingme, I hope it doesn't take a D for W to wake up and know what she had. But, unless there is a change in heart, she seems to be set on that path. I thought from previous Rs that she wouldn't head in that path, but obviously the lesson wasn't learned.

Aw yes, ain't it grand.

[Phoenix_spark]

Huge GAL next week. :-)

[WCW]

Phoenix, I read this when you posted and it just didn't work for me to respond then, but a few things here still don't feel right even after a few days have passed and after the week I have had I won't be very good to sugarcoat this.

So, Ks tend to be, "well what's the use, it won't be good enough".

That's a bad thing for kids to be living with, IMO they need to try to do their best and not just sit in a heap and whine about not being good enough. They'd have my boot up their butt, and my support to encourage them to live and learn and try.

then she complains about being too busy and not enough sleep.

How do you respond?

However what she came back with was not usually age appropriate, so I stopped that.

Ok dad, I'll just rebel in some other manner. How do I look in an EA/PA?

Daddy, I love you the most,

Out of the mouths of babes, ya just gotta love 'em!

Like yourself WCW, I do see some good responses sometimes, but I'm very tired of being treated like something that has been "settle for".

We all reach a limit, we all get tired and need a rest. Sometimes when I rejuvenate I feel a stronger resolve to hang on longer to what I think can still be made into a 'wonderful life with H'. Sometimes I go the other direction and get stronger about me being able to handle myself when H does decide to get gone for good. What that keeps telling me is that I shouldn't push myself in either direction if I am still swinging that hard. Are you still swinging hard? You seem discouraged since you went to those couples meetings, did you expect more than you got?

[Phoenix_spark]

As far as the meetings, yes, I thought that at least things would get rolling in a more resolved direction. What happened is that there is a friend from the class holding W feet to the fire to do the right thing. However, the promptings are not as consistent, or do I feel getting to the root of some of the issues.

Anyhow, I'll be off the radar for most of this week, good luck. Hopefully I'll come back with a ton of resolve. D5 was not very happy when she heard Dad was going away for a week, she doesn't understand that time frame. She thought it was "forever" and she was not consolable. We had to count out the days and help her understand till she did.

Hope the horse sitch is better.

[cat03]

Hey PS, I see you are still fighting the good fight, yours is out in the open, mine just exploded like a festering wound.

ha! and i thought i was done piecing!